I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Friday, December 30, 2005

*Insert Rain Related Cliche Here*

Sometimes I think one of the side effects of being a woman with manic depression is feeling like it’s “That Time Of The Month” everyday. It’s hard enough dealing with the regular ups and downs of womanhood, but the sporadic depression, irritability, and mood swings.

Little things make me sad enough to cry, a character dies on a television show, or in a book, or, lately, a cartoon animal bites the dust and I start bawling. It bothers me, I’d like to have a normal stable mood for once in my life. I’ve been holding most of it back by eating sweets, but that’s only made me put on 5 pounds. Fuu~

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The History Channel

The History Channel started “Armageddon Week” the day after Christmas…

I question the logic in their timing.

Monday, December 26, 2005

The magic is gone...

If I were a child still, today would have been a day for basking in the glow of Christmas, new toys to play with, new clothes to wear, and at least a week until school started again. But, since I’m an adult, today is just Monday, instead of new clothes, there’s laundry to do, instead of new toys there’re dishes to wash and meals to cook.

The holidays have lost their magic, it’s miserable. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even my birthday this year passed without fanfare, without as much of a squeak. It’s disappointing that now the days that brought me so much joy when I was a child are just another day out of the year now.  I suppose that its probably just part of getting older, of being an adult, but it’s depressing.

I haven’t been doing too well with keeping my pre-New Year’s Resolutions, sadly enough. My weight is hovering between 220 and 222, which is sort of upsetting, I need to get it down to 210 again, or 200, then lower. But there’s a load of dishes in the kitchen, a load of laundry in the laundry room, and a load of brownies waiting for me to eat them. I don’t know. I did a lap on the treadmill, but losing weight just seems overwhelming. There’re calories in everything you eat, and everything tasty has more than the healthy stuff. It’s not that don’t like healthy food, or that I don’t want to lose weight…it’s that the weight of being bi-polar, broke, and just generally sad and despondent is heavier than it’s ever been.

It’s December 26th, and the government still hasn’t seen fit to get back to me about my Social Security/Disability case, even though it’s nearly 30 days after the period of time they told me to expect an answer. I still do not have Medicaid because I’ve been shuffled around to 3 different case-workers this year alone, and because they lost my paperwork for several months, and because they’re forcing me to go to yet another doctors appointment to re-evaluate my mental status, even though I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder since I was 13 years old.

But, New Years Resolutions and incompetent government officials aside…Christmas is gone and it was a meager one indeed this year. From Grandma and Grandpa, a 50 dollar check, which was spent on Ramen noodles, Japanese snacks, lunch at Arby’s, and groceries. From Mom, a soft leopard print blanket, which came with a tiny leopard plushie. I’m sure I’ll get enough from my father’s side of the family to finally fix my PC, but that’s it. I shouldn’t complain, but I’m tired of being so destitute. I am thankful that we can afford the necessities, but it’s human nature to want more. I’ve got a huge list of things that I would have liked to get for Christmas, and sadly, most of them are just necessary things for the house. A new microwave to replace the broken one, a vacuum, a humidifier, a water filter…

All in good time, I hope, all in good time…

Friday, December 23, 2005

Oh I'm such a pathetic sap sometimes...

So today, low on groceries, my mom took me to Kroger, for food, prilosec, cat litter, and another peek at the young man who makes sushi. We have dubbed him “Sushi Boy”. He’s asian, whether he’s Japanese or Chinese is anybodies guess; he’s my height, dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin (sort of a caramel color).

Needless to say, I’ve got a fantastic crush on him. Even if he doesn’t have perfect skin, even if he’s got a little scraggly goatee, I’m completely smitten.

You’d think after how many times I’ve attempted the “dating thing” I’d know by now that attraction is natures way of laughing at you…

We’ll just have to see, my mom says he looks interested, but, I don’t trust her judgment on everything…

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.

There comes a time when you’ve been angry and sad for so long, than you just stop feeling it. One disappointment after another tends to turn a person numb.

This morning I woke up at 5:55, realized I wouldn’t be able to sleep any longer, so I got up to do my normal morning things. Breakfast, oatmeal because my milk smells sour, no coffee, because the caffeine tends to make me panicky, and a sit down in front of my PC, mostly to check Flickr and my email.

I turn on my laptop, and low and behold, something else has gone wrong with my life. Nothing connects to the internet, I start Firefox and get stuck with the Comcast page, prompting me to install their self-install kit and “Get started on the internet”. The problem with this is, I already did this yesterday when I reinstalled windows on this piece of shit laptop. So, understandably pissed off, I call Comcast, only to have them tell me that they have “put a hold on my modem” because I have a $64.61 “delinquent” balance. In layman’s terms “Until you pay up with the money you still don’t have, you can no longer use “our” modem”.

I should be screaming mad, especially because I told my mom over a week ago that they had given me a “Courtesy Call” to tell me I had a delinquent balance. But in all honesty, I’m too sick of being outraged and upset to even feel anything.

So I cleaned the kitchen. And here I am now. Bemoaning my fate. There’s really only so many times I can complain about how the American Government is giving me the short end of the stick. Even though it’s passed the 30-90 day deadline the judge said his decision would be made in, I have not gotten a single word of response. I’m not surprised, and I’m not hopeful. If I get an answer, it will probably be after the Christmas holidays, that everyone, including the employees of the government who are supposed to be helping me, will enjoy. All except for me. That’s right, no Christmas this year, because we don’t even have the money to keep our utilities turned on.

I should be crying, I should be screaming, I should be miserable.

I can’t care anymore. I can’t even feel it anymore. Disappointment and letdowns have become such a big part of my life that they’re just everyday occurrences, like the sun rising, or the hours passing.

Anyway, I got the money from my dad paid the overdue balance and everything is hunky dory again.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Period Snickerdoodles.

Much like a mother bird, I began nesting at 3am. Dragging pillows, blankets, and other comfortable items from my bedroom to make a comfortable little nest on my living room couch.

I woke up much, much earlier than I had intended to this morning, at 1:30am, instead of 5 or 6 like I had anticipated. Though it’s often impossible for me to fall asleep, I tend to sleep longer than I actually should, so going to bed at 5 or 6pm would normally leave me awaking at 4-6am, instead of exactly 8 hours since I had gone to sleep. Bah!

So I rolled out of bed, built my nest, had a bit of brownie (those were a lifesaver) and promptly started my period. Every month I ask myself the same thing. Why, after so many years of innovation and evolution, do human females still need to deal with the horrific phenomenon that is menstruation? Cramps, bloating, weight gain from giving into the cravings for salt and sweets, and last but certainly not least, 2-5 days of bleeding from the most delicate and private part of your body. The only real innovations that have been created to help women cope with this terrible monthly misery are painkillers and “feminine hygiene products”.

Now I’m sure your average childbearing female will see their period as merely a small price to pay for the miracle of childbirth, but what about the women who either want no children, or unable to have them? Personally I hope to never have children, as I do not want to pass on the faulty genetic traits that I have (bi-polar disorder, social anxiety, scoliosis, bad eyesight, bad teeth, etc, etc.). My mother had a Tubal Ligation some time ago after having 5 miscarriages, and she is no longer physically able to have a child. Yet both of us suffer through the pain and annoyance of the female curse.

Que Sera. Life goes on, and I’ve got a kitchen full of dishes and snickerdoodles with burnt sugar on the bottom. I followed the directions to a tee and yet they came out all funny. They didn’t flatten the way they were supposed to, and the sugar on the bottom of the cookies went all dark brown and black.

That of course, didn’t stop me from eating 6 of them. Damn cookie, so tempting in their sugary burnt-ness. Making my diet today consist of more applesauce brownies, 5-6 partially burnt snickerdoodles, a cup o’ramen, and a lean cuisine pizza. And now I’m hungry again. How boring, eat, blog, sleep.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Rant on weight and random applesauce.

An infomercial for yet another weight loss gimmick has a woman claiming “I went from a size 10 to a size 0, and I’ve NEVER been a size 0” but that statement prompts all sorts of questions from me.

For starters, what’s wrong with being a size 10?

In all honesty, I don’t think anything is. I’m overweight, and I’m perfectly aware of this, and I wear a size 18. According to my old dietician, I could weigh 150 pounds and be perfectly healthy.

This Website has a lot of good points about dieting and American women.

  • The average American woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 pounds.
  • The average American model is 5'11" tall and weighs 117 pounds.
  • Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women.
  • Four out of five American women say they're dissatisfied with the way they look.
  • On any given day, almost half of the women in the United States are on a diet.
  • Almost half of American children between first and third grades say they want to be thinner.
  • Four out of five ten-year-old children are afraid of being fat.
  • On any given day, one in four men are on a diet.
  • Half of our nine and ten-year-old girls say that being on a diet makes them feel better about themselves.
  • More than one out of three "normal dieters" progress to pathological dieting. One fourth of those will suffer from partial or full syndrome eating disorders.
  • Americans spend over forty billion dollars a year on dieting and diet related products.
  • Between five and ten million women and girls in the United States struggle with eating disorders and borderline conditions.
  • One million boys and men struggle with eating disorders and borderline conditions.
  • The number of people with eating disorders and borderline conditions is triple the number of people living with AIDS (664,921 people are living with AIDS).
  • Eating disorders affect at least three times as many people as schizophrenia does (2.2 million people are living with schizophrenia).

What the hell is wrong with our society when children in the first grade think they should be thinner? Why can’t women just understand that our bodies are plumper and rounder than men, and that striving to be the size of a fashion model is self-destructive and foolish! Look at a Botticelli painting, the women are round, plump, and healthy, and they were the epitome of beauty at the time. When did we decide that women were no longer allowed to be what we are, curvaceous goddesses with pear shaped hips, sweet bellies, and round bottoms...

I blame two sources for the insecurity in body image in women. Firstly, the media, constant parades models in front of us, models so thin that their hips and collarbones jut out like broken glass, models with no real curves of their own, so they have to use silicone. The media puts these in front of us, and calls them “the ideal woman” and all of a sudden every little girl in America is looking at her hips, butt, and boobs, and saying “Wait a minute, these aren’t supposed to be there, these are fat, I’m fat, I’m ugly!” and the fact that little boys grow up seeing these models, and think that women aren’t supposed to have curves. It’s very frustrating.

I’m obese I’ll admit it. I’ll even tell you how much I weigh; I’m 5’3 and 220 pounds. I started a weight loss program in November of 2004, and lost a total of 45 pounds before I got sick of it. It was disgusting to have to measure and weigh my food every day, and to choke down the powdered “supplements” that they forced on me. To make it worse, the amount of money we wasted there was criminal. It will never be worth it to me to make myself suffer that much to lose weight. I was ill all the time, too much food, to little food, too much bland food, too much crappy disgusting powdered supplements... I will lose the weight in time. With eating healthily and exercising, not gimmicks and drugs.

On a completely unrelated note, I made brownies today, substituted the required 1/3 of a cup of oil with 1/3 of a cup of applesauce. They're yummy and soft, and taste nothing like apples. And they're also much less fattening than they would have been, as one tablespoon on oil adds 14 grams of fat to the entire recipe, where as applesauce only adds a negligible amount of calories.

Early New Years Resolutions, or, Yet Another New Beginning

To be perfectly honest, I find blogging to be somewhat self-important. It seems conceited and foolish to think that anyone wants to read about the boring things that make the life of another person. Yet I’ve done it for years. When I was younger, and new to the internet, I had a “Livejournal”, like many people do. I learned after a year or two there that majority of people who have their journals public there are by far mostly attention seeking, childish, and emotionally unstable. Of course there are people all over the world like that, it’s just easier to see when they’re all laid out in front of you like sacrificial lambs. People lie, they hide their true feelings and affections, they play games, just to garner the affections of people doing the same thing. I left “Livejournal” for yet another “journal” site. “Deadjournal” served me well in the respect that I never made any friends there, or tried to. I dealt with no other people, so I never had to deal with the types that I found on other journal sites.

Now, if “Deadjournal” has served me so well, why am I starting over yet again, this time with a “Blog”? It seems to me when one writes enough in a journal, or a blog, after a while you lose the point. I stopped writing, only did it once or twice a month at best, which is not what I had intended to do. I’m not sure that starting over at a new place will keep me writing anymore than it has done in the past, but I really would like to write, for myself.

The reason I’m starting this blog is to record my life, no matter how banal or commonplace it is, so I don’t forget things that happen that were important to me. I have a terrible memory, and no matter how much has happened over a year, I will always forget a great deal of it, which leaves me to have the same things repeat themselves without my understanding. If I am to learn lessons from things that have happened in the past, I have to remember them.

Lastly, I want to keep track of the progress I make in bettering myself. I have a list of resolutions for this New Year, and I’d like to keep record of how well I keep them.

My Resolutions for the very end of 2005 and the whole of 2006

  1. Continue to lose weight, however slowly, by…
    1. Exercising more often, 3 to 5 times a week.
    2. Cooking for myself more often, instead of eating frozen or pre-prepared food.
    3. Trying not to overeat, this includes eating an excess of my “favorite” foods, such as chocolate, black licorice, and salty things.

  1. Read more often. I have a good mind, and I’m wasting it by spending hours in front of the television and PC. I can’t give myself a definitive goal when it comes to this, but one book a month would be a good start.

  1. Stop putting chores off until the last moment. This includes doing my dishes the day they are dirtied, doing laundry every other day or so when it needs to be done, cleaning the bathroom at least once a week, and vacuuming in the same frequency when I get a vacuum.

  1. Plant a garden in my small back yard, and water it daily.

  1. Lastly, write more often, this includes mere journal entries, as well as poetry and short story writing, which I have been neglecting for a long time now.

And that’s that. I feel confident that I can really keep these, as my attitude seems more optimistic and cheerful, even when thinking about the situation that I am in right now.

So here’s to the new year, when it comes 13 days from today, and here’s to changes that I can hopefully make in myself, to make me a better person, for myself and for my family, for my future, and for the things to come.