I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Monday, December 26, 2005

The magic is gone...

If I were a child still, today would have been a day for basking in the glow of Christmas, new toys to play with, new clothes to wear, and at least a week until school started again. But, since I’m an adult, today is just Monday, instead of new clothes, there’s laundry to do, instead of new toys there’re dishes to wash and meals to cook.

The holidays have lost their magic, it’s miserable. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even my birthday this year passed without fanfare, without as much of a squeak. It’s disappointing that now the days that brought me so much joy when I was a child are just another day out of the year now.  I suppose that its probably just part of getting older, of being an adult, but it’s depressing.

I haven’t been doing too well with keeping my pre-New Year’s Resolutions, sadly enough. My weight is hovering between 220 and 222, which is sort of upsetting, I need to get it down to 210 again, or 200, then lower. But there’s a load of dishes in the kitchen, a load of laundry in the laundry room, and a load of brownies waiting for me to eat them. I don’t know. I did a lap on the treadmill, but losing weight just seems overwhelming. There’re calories in everything you eat, and everything tasty has more than the healthy stuff. It’s not that don’t like healthy food, or that I don’t want to lose weight…it’s that the weight of being bi-polar, broke, and just generally sad and despondent is heavier than it’s ever been.

It’s December 26th, and the government still hasn’t seen fit to get back to me about my Social Security/Disability case, even though it’s nearly 30 days after the period of time they told me to expect an answer. I still do not have Medicaid because I’ve been shuffled around to 3 different case-workers this year alone, and because they lost my paperwork for several months, and because they’re forcing me to go to yet another doctors appointment to re-evaluate my mental status, even though I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder since I was 13 years old.

But, New Years Resolutions and incompetent government officials aside…Christmas is gone and it was a meager one indeed this year. From Grandma and Grandpa, a 50 dollar check, which was spent on Ramen noodles, Japanese snacks, lunch at Arby’s, and groceries. From Mom, a soft leopard print blanket, which came with a tiny leopard plushie. I’m sure I’ll get enough from my father’s side of the family to finally fix my PC, but that’s it. I shouldn’t complain, but I’m tired of being so destitute. I am thankful that we can afford the necessities, but it’s human nature to want more. I’ve got a huge list of things that I would have liked to get for Christmas, and sadly, most of them are just necessary things for the house. A new microwave to replace the broken one, a vacuum, a humidifier, a water filter…

All in good time, I hope, all in good time…


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