I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Saturday, January 28, 2006


I've learned a valuable lesson on my search for relaxing music.

Traditional Japanese is not it. It's very dischordant and hard on the ears. I found one koto song that I like so far...

I'm better off sticking to Enya...

On another music related note: Annie Lennox's "Love Song For a Vampire" is still one of the most moving love songs to me...

Potatoes & Cats, Cabbages & Kings.

Yesterday was a boring, normal day for me. That is until I decided to take a bath. Thursday night I decided to try the do-it-yourself route for taking care of a stubborn yeast infection that I have. The DIY route being plain yogurt, I learned a few things that weren’t mentioned on the website I did my research on.

1. Yogurt is cold. Very, very very cold.
2. It is possible to be embarrassed while you’re alone, lying on your back and smoothing yogurt on yourself is one way.
3. In the morning, it smells like sour milk. Ewww.

At any rate, it seems to have eased the itching, so it worked well enough.

I mention this gross bit of information because it’s the sole reason I decided to take a bath yesterday. I hopped into the shower, cleaned off really well, then decided to just plop down and fill the tub with water. Though I know they waste water, baths are possible the most relaxing thing for me. Not only does the feeling of floating in hot water ease my back pain, but also for some reason my brain slows down when I’m in the tub. I just close my eyes and rest, no racing thoughts, no worry, no boredom even, just relaxation and comfort. When I got out of the tub, my whole body was tingling and I was in such a state of relaxation that I could have fallen asleep without my medications. I went to sleep at about 8pm, still somewhat relaxed and tingly, and woke up this morning at 4:50 or so.

I awoke, and noticed my upstairs neighbors were awake, playing music, albeit not very loudly, I could still hear it. Of course, once I noticed this, I was completely unable to get back to sleep. My ribs are slightly sore, I’m not sure from what, but it made it pretty hard to get comfortable. The good news is, I woke up with a surprising amount of energy and resolve. I decided that today I’m going to do the rest of my laundry, make eggs for breakfast (I’ve only had a bit of cereal so far, but it’s got a surprisingly high amount of protein in it) clean up the kitchen and living room, clean the catbox, AND walk on the treadmill. We’ll see how much of that energy and fervor I can hold onto through the day, but it certainly is nice not to wake up feeling fatigued and not rested.

Also, I noticed how much the week has completely passed me by. When I awoke this morning I was thoroughly startled to find out that it was Saturday. For some reason I thought that today was going to be Thursday, or Friday perhaps. Trying to readjust my sleeping schedule has made me rather confused about what day is which.

So I made eggs, only to find out that my pan is off balance, or something. I cracked an egg into it and the egg slid all the way down to the end of the pan, leaving a huge snotty looking smear across the pan. I cracked a second egg and it did the exact same thing, except on the second one, the yolk broke as well. At least it’s damn near impossible to screw up a cup of tea, as I’ve be rather fond of drinking tea lately.

My cats are insufferable. Kage has come up with a new habit of attacking and ruining any potatoes I have in the house. When they were in the bottom cupboard, he dragged them out, on the counter, he knocked them off, and when I put them on top of the fridge, one of them still ended up on the living room floor, bitten and wet. I don’t know WHAT is persuading him to do this, but I really hope he cuts it out, as he’s wasting perfectly good potatoes.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

On Life and Sleep.

Life is a study of doing things you don’t want to, because you have to. Every single human being on the face of this planet has woken up at least once, (although my guess is it always happens far more than just once) and thought “oh god, I don’t want to get up and go to school/work/church/other random obligation”. In the end, I suppose that’s what makes it “life” and not Disneyland or something. Regardless of how much you like your job, or your life, you’re always doing things you don’t want to do.

The “Oh god I don’t want to get up” scenario happens a lot more with those of us who suffer from depression. It’s noteworthy that some of the many symptoms of depression have to do with sleep. Insomnia, difficulties falling asleep or waking up, oversleeping, and vivid dreaming are all things someone with depression can experience. So understandably, after a good night’s sleep, especially one with vivid pleasant dreams (although I’ve read that most bi-polar people suffer from nightmares, I never do, my dreams are usually weird, but never frightening or disturbing.) one would not want to wake up and face the day. Plus fatigue and low-energy are also symptoms of depression, making it a vicious cycle. It’s hard to get to sleep, and then even if you do sleep well, you wake up feeling as if you haven’t. I usually find that it takes me over an hour to fully “wake up” and I’ll usually just try to go back to sleep, regardless of how much sleep I’ve already gotten.

Of course, sleep disorders are only one of the many things a person with bi-polar or depression can and will experience, and my little rant isn’t really relevant to anything. Sometimes I just want to write what’s in my head, regardless of the relevance or meaning to any of it.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Self-esteem sickness.

So on top of everything else, the sinus headache that I got the day before yesterday appears to have only been the tip of the iceberg, I managed to stay relatively healthy all winter, but now I’m getting sick. My glands are definitely swollen, my throat is sore and dry whenever I’m not drinking something, and I’ve been drinking so much that I’m in the bathroom every 45 minutes or so. It’ll probably just be a cold, with a sinus headache and pressure, but I’m going to be sick all the same. Probably came from walking outside when going to Singhals office, or the other doctor, the one in Ortonville…I can’t remember her name. It doesn’t matter, but nobody likes being sick. And in all honesty, I want some sympathy for it.  

Lately…I’m sad. It’s probably just my situation and the weather making my depression worse, but I can’t stand it. I’m sad, lonely, and now I’m sick. I think I want to meet more people, but I’m…afraid. People hurt other people. I only know several people, so…less chance of being hurt? It doesn’t make it any less lonely though.

A got a message, earlier this morning, around…4am, a guy had seen my profile online and thought I sounded interesting, which, considering there’s a picture there, he thought that I was attractive. He’s 27, and from New York, and I suppose attractive in the way that most regular women find men attractive. It was a boost to my ego and self-esteem, a confusing boost, but a boost none-the-less. I don’t think I’ll ever find myself attractive, even if decent looking men in New York do.

My New Years Resolutions haven’t been going all to well. I have been reading more, definitely, but only because of a lack of anything else to do really. I can’t sit online waiting for Tricia, Hikari, Ann, or Kinny to get online all day and night, so I’ve been reading. I’m about 2/3 of the way through “Interview With The Vampire”, I’ve been putting off re-reading those books, because I met Lara the first time I did.

I decided to stop reading for tonight, and I’ve been watching “House M.D.” I’ll get it on DVD when I have money again, so I can watch it any time, without having my laptop in my lap. Unfortunately, the other show I felt like downloading, “Medical Investigation” only seems to have interested Spanish and French people, because those are the only languages the torrents are available in. Blah. I need to find something else to watch.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Sleep and Sickness.

Sleep has done me wrong lately. I sleep and I sleep and when I wake I feel like I haven’t slept at all. Or I sleep, and I sleep and I wake up with my head and nose so stuffy that I just feel like lying down again. Between the depression and the physical SHIT that I’ve been going through in the past day, I just feel like I want scream, but I can’t.

The only thing I seriously hate about being on medications for my bi-polar disorder is the fact that I cannot generally take any decongestants. And 90% of the time when I start feeling sick, I get majorly congested, sinus headaches and lots of pressure. It’s disgusting, and it hurts, and I fucking hate it.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

On Disappointments.

Life makes me fucking sick.

Just over a week ago, the hard drive on this piece of shit ancient laptop died, leaving me with no access to the Internet at all. Finally getting the Christmas money I was depending on to fix my PC, I bought the parts needed and patiently waited for them to arrive. They, of course, took at least 5 days longer than they were supposed to, and arrived on the rainiest, shittiest, day possible. And of course, Joe wouldn’t put them in on the day they arrived, or the day after, but on Sunday. And, of course, after at least 10 hours of work on Sunday, it turns out that the damn PC still wasn’t working. Of course I had to borrow money for my father to get a new hard drive, which we thought was the problem, and OF COURSE the hard drive didn’t fix whatever problem it was. So I took the hard drive back and bought one for my laptop, which took under 30 minutes to install, and now I can get onto the internet again, of course, my PC is still a broken piece of shit. The only upside of this is now I have the knowledge it takes to put an entire PC together. I removed the motherboard to put it back in the box and return it in under 10 minutes.

Yesterday I had to see yet another in a line of psychiatrists to try and decide if I’m mentally ill enough to need Medicaid. Of course I haven’t had it since I turned 21, because as far as the state is concerned, mentally ill people are MIRACULOUSLY CURED when they become adults! It’s amazing! This one was a woman in Ortonville who works in a tiny office that used to be a tiny Barber Shop. At least it was a woman, they understand sexual molestation or abuse better than men ever could. She didn’t ask me “how do you know you were molested?” or any other stupid offensive questions. Of course there is a downside to this. The woman takes Medicaid, and is in Ortonville; therefore my mom wants us to start seeing her, instead of Dr. Singhal, even though my mother has trusted him for 13 years with our collective mental health.

So, in the end, there’s nothing. There’s still no money, there’s still no settlement of the case, I have no life, no car, nothing that really makes me happy. There are the brownies that I’ve been making pretty regularly, but all those are doing is putting extra weight on me. I’m up to 225 now. I need to lose 25 pounds, and I have idea how, and no drive to. I just want to sit here, eat ice cream and brownies, and stare at the television.

The night before last, I was reading “The Sandman” reading a part of it that I had avoided for a very long time, because I knew in advance that a character I loved was going to die. And though it is a comic book, it was not like “Superman” or “Batman” when if the main character dies, you know for certain that it’s not permanent. He’s dead, and he’s never coming back. I shed a few tears for that, then a torrent came down. I cried for over an hour, sobbing so hard that my throat was sore and my face and shirt were soaked with tears. I’m between bad places right now, half of the time I’m angry, violently, or so depressed that I can barely move. The other half I’m so numb that even the biggest disappointments just make me shrug. I just…I’ve been so disappointed by life in general that lately I’m thinking about death again. I’m so frightened of death, but lately, I just don’t feel like it matters, if I died, it would be over, I wouldn’t be disappointed or numb or worrying about the future, and facing the crap that the next day brings. Several months ago, I couldn’t imagine things getting any worse than they were, and today they’re worse than they’ve ever been. Between the numbness and the pain…maybe it would just be best if I fell asleep one night and didn’t wake up in the morning. I told Dr. Singhal that I was more depressed than usual, but he didn’t do anything, I wasn’t given any more medications. I somehow doubt it would really help if I even did. Nothing will get better, nothing good ever happens for me. My whole life has just been a downward spiral until now. It’s just so depressing and so disappointing. Life should have been better than this…

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

On the New Year.

It’s been a while since I moved into my new apartment, I’ve gotten comfortable here, even though I was originally uneasy about leaving the town I had lived in for 21 years of my life. This is a nice apartment; it’s really comforting to have my own washer and dryer, even if they’re in my closet next to the stinky cat box. I’m pretty happy here, even though I’m still poor and still living with the mere basics of life, food and bills, although my credit cards are both maxed out and receiving late fees. It’s hard, but I’m getting by on the bare minimum. My mother spoke to the lawyer today, and he said that the decision should be coming any day now, but that’s not very comforting, considering the decision was supposed to have come in 30 to 90 days, and I went to court at the very end of August.

I’ve been under a lot of stress for ages now, and it seems to be finally catching up with me. My weight is steady between 221 and 224, my sleep patterns are crazy, and I have a very nasty canker sore on the inside of my bottom lip. It’s really been bothering me, and my mom finally brought me some Orajel and Popsicles to relieve the pain I’ve been suffering through the past couple days.

But, in the end, today is just another day, I’m going to make some white rice, and hope everything works out ok.