I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Thursday, January 19, 2006

On Disappointments.

Life makes me fucking sick.

Just over a week ago, the hard drive on this piece of shit ancient laptop died, leaving me with no access to the Internet at all. Finally getting the Christmas money I was depending on to fix my PC, I bought the parts needed and patiently waited for them to arrive. They, of course, took at least 5 days longer than they were supposed to, and arrived on the rainiest, shittiest, day possible. And of course, Joe wouldn’t put them in on the day they arrived, or the day after, but on Sunday. And, of course, after at least 10 hours of work on Sunday, it turns out that the damn PC still wasn’t working. Of course I had to borrow money for my father to get a new hard drive, which we thought was the problem, and OF COURSE the hard drive didn’t fix whatever problem it was. So I took the hard drive back and bought one for my laptop, which took under 30 minutes to install, and now I can get onto the internet again, of course, my PC is still a broken piece of shit. The only upside of this is now I have the knowledge it takes to put an entire PC together. I removed the motherboard to put it back in the box and return it in under 10 minutes.

Yesterday I had to see yet another in a line of psychiatrists to try and decide if I’m mentally ill enough to need Medicaid. Of course I haven’t had it since I turned 21, because as far as the state is concerned, mentally ill people are MIRACULOUSLY CURED when they become adults! It’s amazing! This one was a woman in Ortonville who works in a tiny office that used to be a tiny Barber Shop. At least it was a woman, they understand sexual molestation or abuse better than men ever could. She didn’t ask me “how do you know you were molested?” or any other stupid offensive questions. Of course there is a downside to this. The woman takes Medicaid, and is in Ortonville; therefore my mom wants us to start seeing her, instead of Dr. Singhal, even though my mother has trusted him for 13 years with our collective mental health.

So, in the end, there’s nothing. There’s still no money, there’s still no settlement of the case, I have no life, no car, nothing that really makes me happy. There are the brownies that I’ve been making pretty regularly, but all those are doing is putting extra weight on me. I’m up to 225 now. I need to lose 25 pounds, and I have idea how, and no drive to. I just want to sit here, eat ice cream and brownies, and stare at the television.

The night before last, I was reading “The Sandman” reading a part of it that I had avoided for a very long time, because I knew in advance that a character I loved was going to die. And though it is a comic book, it was not like “Superman” or “Batman” when if the main character dies, you know for certain that it’s not permanent. He’s dead, and he’s never coming back. I shed a few tears for that, then a torrent came down. I cried for over an hour, sobbing so hard that my throat was sore and my face and shirt were soaked with tears. I’m between bad places right now, half of the time I’m angry, violently, or so depressed that I can barely move. The other half I’m so numb that even the biggest disappointments just make me shrug. I just…I’ve been so disappointed by life in general that lately I’m thinking about death again. I’m so frightened of death, but lately, I just don’t feel like it matters, if I died, it would be over, I wouldn’t be disappointed or numb or worrying about the future, and facing the crap that the next day brings. Several months ago, I couldn’t imagine things getting any worse than they were, and today they’re worse than they’ve ever been. Between the numbness and the pain…maybe it would just be best if I fell asleep one night and didn’t wake up in the morning. I told Dr. Singhal that I was more depressed than usual, but he didn’t do anything, I wasn’t given any more medications. I somehow doubt it would really help if I even did. Nothing will get better, nothing good ever happens for me. My whole life has just been a downward spiral until now. It’s just so depressing and so disappointing. Life should have been better than this…

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