I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Foam on Fungus. (title supplied by a spam e-mail I recieved)

Today was a long fucking day. Firstly my mom showed up early. She always does this, mainly because she wakes up at around 6am, and can’t sit around and wait until it’s time to do what we’re supposed to do.


So she showed up at 10:30am, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep until about 2am, because, even with my meds, sometimes it’s still hard for me to get to sleep. Mom, of course, is ridiculously manic and bouncy and no matter how hard I try I can’t get back to sleep for a half hour or so. So at 11:30 we take off, firstly we go to the candy store at the “Grand Mall” that we’ve been meaning to go to, it’s a cute place, if not a little expensive. I got some rock candy, some “Banana Splits” which are a type of taffy, some licorice wheels, some raspberry candies and of course good old Candy Cigarettes.

By the time we get into Waterford, it’s only quarter after 12, so we stop at “Mel’s Grill” for lunch. I got a Rueben, it was good, not as good as Arby’s Ruebens, but it sufficed. It came without Thousand Island dressing, so I had to put it on myself. I sort of chuckled and thought of House’s line “Rueben, dry, hold the pickles, no fries.”

At my dads house, after the Rueben, he wrote us a check for 300 dollars, and gave me 50 in cash for groceries. I hate asking my dad for money, I hate it more than I hate the smell of boiling pork (which makes me nauseous). When we entered his house, I nearly had a panic attack. But it’s done with. After that we went to cash the check, the damn bank charged me 8 dollars for that…

In Ortonville we stopped to pay the bills, and I went into Edith’s Pet Supplies looking for some “Krunch-A-Rounds” for the gerbils, they didn’t have any, but I had a great conversation with the man who was running the store. An old gentlemen who was watching the store along with a white great dane with two different colored eyes, who also happened to be deaf. The dog was a big sweetie though (emphasis on big!), unlike the little Corgi that wouldn’t let me pet him. We chatted about animals, then mom and I went to Meijer to get 50 dollars worth of groceries. I bought a lottery ticket, didn’t win though.

So, needless to say, I’m a bit worn out and not taking my walk today!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Made with the Finest Peanuts.

I haven’t written in the past few days but I really have meant to.

But I’ve been pretty much bed/couch ridden since the 19th, when I started my period. Between the horrific cramps and the mood swings brought on by the monthly curse. There was lots of sleeping, I think I slept at least 24-28 hours in a 2 day period, to try to just sleep through the worst of the cramps. Lots of sleeping with House running on my laptop for background noise; I even passed out on the couch for 6 hours.

Yesterday Wendy brought my mom over and we went to Target for a humidifier. It’s a 1-gallon cold mist humidifier sort of shaped like an elephant. The mist comes out of the nose. It’s already doing a good deal of help, the kitties are less zappy, and the air feels less dry. Plus the tank stays full for over 8 hours, and it has an auto shut-off. I also got some necessities, deodorant, lotion, shaving cream, and some bread and other groceries at Kroger.

Mom finally got her car fixed, and the other day she called my dad and talked to him about helping me get mine fixed. However, she wants to wait until the spring so there’s less chance of the doors freezing shut so we can get those fixed as well. There’re so many things wrong with my poor car, but at least mom can come over every other day now.

I missed my walk for about 3 days while I was incapacitated because of my period, but I’m getting back on the right track, I did it yesterday, and I’m planning on doing 1 and ¼ mile today.

Update: Did the 1&¼ and I feel like a million dollars, now if I only HAD the million dollars…

Friday, February 17, 2006

Feh!

I was up until nearly 5 am last night watching boypr0n and chatting with Ann and Trish. I have to admit that this was not my best judgment as of late. Though the boypr0n was fantastic (Ryota is the pinnacle of naked cuteness) and the conversation was good, I really should have gotten to sleep earlier. I rolled out of bed at 3pm, cleaned the litter box, took the trash out, and cleaned myself up. I still need to walk my mile, but I’m going to have a bit to eat and take my vitamins first. I haven’t been taking them twice a day like I’m supposed to. I keep missing the second dose.

Though it rained last night, it was still very cold when I went outside today to check my mail and toss out the garbage.

I’m not depressed…just…tried of the situation. I want money.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I love Spaghetti-O's

It feels like my hair might be thinning out. That bothers me, I’ve always had thick and healthy hair, but I’ve been losing it a lot for the past year or so. I started taking Biotin though, which on top of breaking down carbs and fat is supposed to help hair and nails. Perhaps it will get thicker after using that for a while.

I woke up feeling less dead today, yet still a bit later than I would have hoped to. That’s due to the fact that I had the hardest time getting to sleep though. I had oatmeal and half-caf coffee with breakfast, then took my walk. Stretched out a bit, walked a quarter mile, then the plug that turns on the treadmill popped out, and I had to start fresh. I walked 2/3 of a mile, so I figure that should even out to about one.

Did a little writing last night, and today, out of boredom and lack of things to watch on television, I’m working on watching the Japanese version of “Dark Water”. It took a lot of effort to actually get working though. All the media players I have acted differently with it. VLC had no sound, Media Player and Real Player both stuttered and jerked. Winamp finally decided to play it correctly, but the sound is very low, even though my laptop is turned up as far as it will go. God forbid anyone message me right now, my eardrums might burst.

I’m sort of tired and lonely, physically tired, as if I’ve had to push too hard lately. It’s probably because I’m due to start my period in the next 2 days or so, but it’s crappy nonetheless. I’m still not very depressed, just…lonely and worn out.  

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

valenfuzzy...fuck...

A Hallmark Holiday has passed, and I am no worse for wear. I watched a new episode of House, and had a little rum raisin ice cream in my own little pampering celebration.

My mother finally put the final nail into the coffin she’s been building for my car, she claims it’s just a coincidence, but I think it’s far too coincidental that the only time anything goes wrong with it is when she’s driving it. So now I’m stuck even more than before. Stranded in Grand Blanc without transportation, and without any company. She usually comes over every other day, helps out with the housework, and takes me to the store. Now there’s no car, and I’m screwed, majorly. (Side note: Microsoft Word didn’t recognize majorly as a word. What’s wrong with this program?)

I’m fucking tired, groggy. I want to just go back to sleep for a few hours, or for the rest of the day. I hate feeling drained like this. I’ve got piles of laundry, I need to take my walk and do some other chores, but I just want to sleep. I think I might. It won’t hurt me to miss one walk a week. I missed one last week when I lost that day, and I feel just about as bad now. Just want to sleep, just want to rest!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Another day, another cliché.

I woke up at about 6:30 this morning having to use the bathroom so badly that I thought if I bent over my bladder might explode. Went back to sleep (after running to the bathroom of course), and got up again at 11. Felt surprisingly lonely when I woke up, that doesn’t usually happen with me. I called my mom, she showed up around 12:30 or so with Wendy, otherwise known as “Only-woman-who-swears-more-than-I-do”, that’s her Indian name you see. She hung out in my living room, sitting in the large empty space between my recliner and the sliding glass door, and filled out her bills while my mom cleaned the litter box and I sat on the couch with my laptop for a bit. We went to Meijer, I didn’t really NEED a lot more food, but I ended up spending 37 dollars (there was only 36.90 left from my food stamps that I got on the 7th. 149 dollars for a months worth of groceries is completely unreasonable. I might live alone but groceries aren’t any less expensive because I’m only buying them for one person. I shop sales and such, but I’m not willing to buy only generic brands. I’ve tried generic cereals and stuff, they’re crap, no matter what anyone says.

Bought a B Complex vitamin today at Meijer, along with 2 bath bombs, and a few other household essentials. Lean Cuisines were on sale, and with my mother’s encouragement I bought a pint of Rum Raisin ice cream. After all, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and I have nobody to spend it with other than Dr. House, and Kyo. But the former is behind a Television screen, and the latter is in Japan, so instead I’ll cuddle up with a bit of decadent ice cream and my cats.

I need to reinstall Windows again on this piece of shit machine (aptly named “Craptop”). I think I’ll do that tomorrow. Get it out of the damn way so I can stop seeing that little icon on my system tray and thinking “God I have to reinstall Windows again”. It’s really unreasonable that I can’t activate my copy of Windows on this laptop…

I…just activated it. I have no idea how I managed that, but apparently Windows is now activated. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS. What the bloody fucking hell…it wouldn’t activate before… Oh well, who gives’ a flying fuck! I don’t have to reinstall! Whee! Yay desu!

Tomorrow, before Rum Raisin + House, I’m going to Dr. Singhal’s office with my mother and Wendy, we were going to go on Wednesday, but Wendy couldn’t get an appointment then, and offered to drive us all. Since the last working car in the family (mine) is dead, having a ride there and back is crucial  

I’m off to bed soon, my body’s getting tired and as soon as I pop my pills my mind’ll be there too. Walked 30 minutes, getting odd stitches and soreness though. My ribs and generally tummy area hurt, and while I walk, the old soreness in my leg has been acting up. When I was really little, my inner left thigh hurt a lot, up near the ball of the hip mostly. It went away mostly when I got older, but it hurts sometimes when I do a lot of walking, leading to my limp now and then. It hurts a lot when I walk on the treadmill, but completely stops when I do. Odd.

Oh well, in general, life is good, it might be cold as fuck outside, but I’m happier than ever.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

She Ain't Right in the Head

I’ve noticed a couple things today that make me think I might be a little too sexualized lately.

Taking my mile walk, as I tried to drink from my sports bottle, I accidentally splashed water on my face. My first thought was “Gee, this must be how it feels to be a porn star”.

Secondly, I’ve noticed that my shampoo looks disturbingly similar to a certain white and creamy bodily fluid. How lovely.

At any rate, my moods have kept stable, except for a couple days ago when I lost the day all together. I was so tired that I took a nap during the day, and then went to sleep at 11:00pm, missing most of the day. I walked 27:14 minutes yesterday, and 35:00 minutes today, the difference between today and yesterday is that I walked without shoes yesterday, giving my feet blisters. That was a very dumb idea, but there’s cliché’s about hindsight that I could quote right now.

Speaking of sight, I took a shower/bath today. First I took a shower, then rinsed out the tub to soak for a bit. When I got out of the tub, smelling and looking like a Vanilla goddess painted by Botticelli, I found that my glasses were no longer on the bathroom counter where I had put them before I took my bath. This did not seem right to me. I pawed around for them blindly, crawled around on the floor, and then retreated to my bedroom to find my spare glasses. My spare glasses are very old, and no longer my prescription, wearing them for a few minutes gave me a headache, god forbid I ever have to wear them for a longer period of time. When I found my glasses, I found them on the floor in the living room, between the cat’s paper bag, and a cat toy. This can only mean one thing. My cats are trying to overthrow me, by making it so I can’t see what they’re doing. Very sneaky, very clever, very evil little bastards they are.

I started taking Omega-3 Fatty Acids on the recommendation of the folks at Mood Garden, but I haven’t noticed a difference in my mood, mostly because I’ve been feeling so damn good lately. Considering adding a B-complex and Biotin as well, when I have the money for it.


Monday, February 06, 2006

Breakthrough

For the first time in my life I finally feel stronger than my depression.

Every depressive synapse in my brain, every depressive muscle in my body screams against me when I walk. But I do it, I’m in control, and I can push it out of my head, and assure myself that I’m in control.

I hate walking on the treadmill; it’s painful, boring, and sweaty. I love walking on the treadmill, I’m clearheaded and in complete control. I control when to start, when to stop, and I control my depression, for the first time in my life.

Even when I look at the scale in the morning and there’s no change to my weight, I’m still in control. I push through the frustration and irritation, and by the time I’ve walked for 15 minutes, the worst is behind me, and I’m separated from the depressed me.

I walked for 30 minutes today, almost a mile and an 8th of one. I think I really could have continued walking, but I promised myself I’d stop at 30 minutes. I think I can do more; maybe tomorrow I’ll do a mile and a quarter.

I want instant gratification, I want to see a drop on the scale, but I can move beyond that want.

I’ve never felt like this before. In the past, it was always people trying to control me, my mom, the dieticians, my doctors, but now I’m controlling it. I’m doing it because I told myself to do it, and nobody can take that control away from me.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

30 out of 1440

The treadmill and I meet again, this time for 30 minutes, an entire mile. It hurt, it sucked, I got sweaty and sore in the back and thigh area, but I did it, and I’m going to do it again. As much as I dislike exercise in general, I think it’s having a positive effect on my mood. Thursday I did 4 loads of laundry, and cleaned all the dishes. Friday I walked ¾ of a mile, and then went grocery shopping. Today I feel good, even though I’m a little sore from the walking, and subsequent baking of banana bread. If I can keep this up, I should be just fine.

I’m not happy with my weight, but I’m hoping for results too quickly. Walking a mile doesn’t automatically make you lose weight; I’m going to have to do this every day (or every other day) for a while before I can expect any real results. It’s just hard, I don’t like exercising, but I’m doing my best to push myself. But my hunger is bothering me. I’ve eaten a pastrami sandwich (low fat everything) a low fat yogurt, strawberries and no fat whipped cream and a can of Campbell’s Select soup, as well as a handful of candy hearts. I’m still very hungry, it’s bothering me a great deal too. I don’t want to overeat now that I’m trying to exercise, but my body seems like it’s trying to sabotage me. At least there’s Banana Bread in the oven, made with applesauce instead of oil.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Days Go By

I woke up in a good mood finally; I wish I knew what triggered the good moods upon waking, so I could do it every day before I go to sleep. I’m dressed, my teeth are brushed, my hair is brushed and in a ponytail, and I walked ¾ of a mile on the treadmill. I probably could have done a mile, but I started getting a stitch in my stomach.

Still, I’m planning to ask Dr. Singhal to either up or change my anti-depressant. One good day is great, but a month full of good days is really what I want.

Yesterday wasn’t great, I was pretty down and spent the day sitting on the couch up until the time I decided to do my laundry. For the first time since I’ve moved into this apartment my laundry is all done, save for what I was wearing yesterday. It never really hung over my head or anything, but it does feel somewhat good to have it all done, for now at least.

My mom is taking things better than she was last week, but she’s a fountain of optimism. I don’t understand how someone can be so hopeful when they live in the same world that I do.

I canceled my long-running subscriptions to BeBoys Gold and Shoxx magazine and I feel like crap about it. I don’t have the money to pay for them anymore, but I still want to have them.

Randomly, I want to watch Fern Gully, but I haven’t had it on video/DVD for the longest time. It was on my Dad’s house, on VHS, he probably threw it out when Penny moved in, at any rate, I don’t have a VHS player.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Things can always get worse.

After three years of waiting, my social security and disability case finally came to a close. And of course, because I have the worst luck of any living human being on this planet, I was completely denied.

So there’s no money, no PC, no nothing, just 3 years of waiting wasted for nothing. My case was rejected on the assumption that Dr. Singhal lied about the extent of my disabilities. I’ve only been living with bi-polar disorder for the past 8 years of my life, and the courts just threw it away. 8 years of suffering, 3 years of hoping and waiting, all for nothing. This was the worst thing possible that could happen to me. I cried, I told everyone, and now there’s nothing else I can do.

My depression has been worse in the past month or so, I gained over five pounds, but I managed to slowly drop it off. I’m down to 222 again, but I can’t see it getting any easier to maintain and lose. Nothing is making me happy. I don’t want to play video games, I don’t want to read, and I don’t do laundry or do the dishes. The only thing that has really been giving me any joy lately is taking baths, and I can’t do that every day because it can cause urinary tract infection. I don’t have medical insurance and can’t afford to go to the doctor, so I can’t do anything…I’m getting tired of this.