I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Monday, February 06, 2006


For the first time in my life I finally feel stronger than my depression.

Every depressive synapse in my brain, every depressive muscle in my body screams against me when I walk. But I do it, I’m in control, and I can push it out of my head, and assure myself that I’m in control.

I hate walking on the treadmill; it’s painful, boring, and sweaty. I love walking on the treadmill, I’m clearheaded and in complete control. I control when to start, when to stop, and I control my depression, for the first time in my life.

Even when I look at the scale in the morning and there’s no change to my weight, I’m still in control. I push through the frustration and irritation, and by the time I’ve walked for 15 minutes, the worst is behind me, and I’m separated from the depressed me.

I walked for 30 minutes today, almost a mile and an 8th of one. I think I really could have continued walking, but I promised myself I’d stop at 30 minutes. I think I can do more; maybe tomorrow I’ll do a mile and a quarter.

I want instant gratification, I want to see a drop on the scale, but I can move beyond that want.

I’ve never felt like this before. In the past, it was always people trying to control me, my mom, the dieticians, my doctors, but now I’m controlling it. I’m doing it because I told myself to do it, and nobody can take that control away from me.


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