I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Novelty Cereals Suck.

I popped open the “Pirates of the Caribbean” cereal and gave it a try.

It’s basically Coco Puffs with tiny little Jolly Roger, sword, ship, pirate hat, and ships wheels marshmallows. It seems to be sweeter than Coco puffs, and not as well matched with the marshmallows as say, Count Chocula is. It’s INCREDIBLY sweet, this coming from a person who likes Lucky Charms and Count Chocula…

I definitely won’t be buying another box, but I’ll be keeping the one I have for prosperities sake…

Wanna sleep for a thousand years...

There are serious flaws in the human body, I think.

I should have started my period already. It’s been at the very least, 32 days since my last cycle. I’ve had cramps the past three days, I spotted once, but it really should have happened.

I’ve been sort of moody and upset since March 14th, when I decided that I needed to start dating. I’ve e-mailed at least 10 people from yahoo personals, and gothic personals, and only one of them has responded to me. This has not had a good effect on my self-esteem. The responder, of course, was Shaun, but a few days ago I found that he had met another girl on the same day that he had met me, and he’s been spending hours talking to her on internet phone.

I’m disappointed. I was really looking forward to meeting Shaun, and perhaps starting to date him, but now all I can think is that the other girl obviously has more in common with him, and he’s going to start a relationship with her instead. On top of the fact that none of the other people I e-mailed even bothered to give him a courtesy response of “No thank you” or “I’m not interested”, I’m a little bitter.

I’m not going to give up mind you, if he asks me out, I’ll go out with him, but my self-image, self-esteem, and subconscious isn’t giving me much of a hopeful outlook.

Two decent things have happened because of a slightly elevated mood in the past few days though. I tried out a new shampoo and conditioner in the anticipation of a date, and I’m very pleased with the way it makes my hair look and feel. Secondly, I’ve been cooking more, and I’ve discovered exactly how much I like to cook with tofu. I’ve made 2 stir-fries in the past week or so, and I bought more tofu and veggies to make a third, as well as a block of tofu for “Marinated Tofu Cutlets”, a recipe I found at www.vegweb.com.

I haven’t exercised in the past two days, in anticipation of my period, and I’m frustrated. Though I must be bloated by now, my weight is staying steady. I’m not gaining. I have high hopes that when I finish my period, I’ll be 225 or under.

I went over an old journal of mine and found some important (at least to me) information.

Haiiro joined my family on September 16th, and Kage joined on April 27th. So now I know what days to celebrate their birthdays on.

Rachel was sweet and bought me a subscription to “The Puzzle Society” which gives me access to several thousand crossword puzzles. I like crossword puzzles, it might be a waste of time like anything else done online, but at least I learn trivia while I’m doing them.

So yesterday, my mom and I went out to do some errands. We went to Kroger to return 10 dollars worth of bottles, went to Big Lots to pick up a few things, even though I hate those kind of scummy stores, I did get a replacement razor for 2 dollars. For some reason I threw away the razor handle for my Venus, I still have a whole box of refills though. After that we went to Detroit Edison for my mom to pay her electric bill, then Meijer for groceries. I had a decent time grocery shopping, got a good amount of food, and all the ingredients for the Tofu cutlet recipe that I want to try out. I also bought a box of “Pirates of the Caribbean” cereal, because I was completely enamored with the pictures of Johnny Depp plastered on the box.

I fell asleep at around…2:30 to 3:00pm yesterday, after the grocery shopping and such, and woke up at midnight or so, then decided I didn’t want to be awake. I forced myself back to sleep, on and off, until around 3am. I had odd dreams about school, and a really creepy situation.

I could have SWORN that I took the water bottle away from my gerbils before I went to sleep, because they were banging it against the edge of the cage and keeping me up, but when I woke up, it was still in their cage. I’m a little uneasy about the fact that I either imagined taking it out, or put it back in without my knowing it.

So, that’s all there is to it. Today I ought to do some laundry, make a loaf of banana bread, and do the dishes. It’d also be fantastic if I could FUCKING START MY PERIOD…but my body hates me, so I’m sure it’ll drag out until the end of the month.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Dead and Gone

I’m a mess.
I’m an ugly, tangled, ragged ball of nerves and synapses.
I’m never going to be good enough for someone else until I can be good enough for myself. And I’m never going to be good enough for myself.

And the worst part about this is…

There are so many people out there more fucked up than me. There are so many people out there that have gone through worse, that have worse problems, that have had worse happen to them. I hate it.

I have a mother that loves me, friends that love me, and sometimes it just feels like the only thing that matters is the voice in my head and the way I see myself in the mirror.

I wish I’d just start my goddamned period already. Fuck.

This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters

Yesterday was a decent day, I did laundry, dishes, made tofu stir-fry (which was great except for the fact that I seemed to undercook the tofu a little), walked a mile and a half, and got a few things at the grocery store (water, rice cakes, shampoo, conditioner, finishing spray, and deodorant).

Where has this burst of energy and motivation come from? I’d like to think it’s from meeting a new friend, and the prospect of dating once again, but in actuality, I’m more terrified of what could go wrong, than I am looking forward to what could go right. If I’ve been fantasizing, I’ve been fantasizing about everything I could do and say wrong, and what a disaster it could be.

I’m also going over the mental checklist of things I need to do to prepare for dating and (gulp)…sex.

On the short list, I need new shoes, maybe a gothy hair clip, and black, or very dark nail polish. On the long list…I need to go to the gynecologist and get on birth control, buy some decent underwear, shave/nair/veet my legs, and last but not least, mentally prepare myself for it.

Why did I suddenly think that going on a date was a smart move, now or at any other time in my life? Stupid me, stupid romance movies, stupid!

But, I’m going to try to be cool about it, not be pushy, not have any pre-conceptions or expectations (good or bad) and let him make the first move, and just relax until then. (As if I can relax >_>)

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Oh well shit.

There’s been a disturbing lack of entries in the past four days and I plan to get to the bottom of it…ok so I’ve been lazy.

After my breakdown on March 14th, I signed up for Yahoo Personals, and two gothic personals sites. There’s a very attractive man on the Yahoo site with long brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a lip piercing. I fell for him, subscribed, and sent him a message. I think he got my message…and deleted it. How kind. He updated his profile, didn’t send me a response.

I had better luck with the gothic personals. I contacted a tall, skinny, cyber-goth who lives close to me. He responded quickly, and we’ve been talking. He has social anxiety as well, so he’s more comfortable with one-on-one situations, like me. We seem to have enough in common, and as soon as the weather improves, we’re going to meet.

But…I have no nice clothes, my hair’s a mess, I’m lumpy…and I literally weigh twice as much as this guy…foo…

Out of the frying pan into the fire? Or some cliché like that…

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Something's broken...

I’m going through a thing.

Yesterday was long, Mom showed up at 11 or so to take me to Dr. Singhal’s office. The drive felt extra long, and I nodded off every couple minutes, listening to H.I.M. The visit was short, and Singhal told me that if I can see the female doctor in Ortonville because she takes Medicaid, that I should, and to not argue if she wants to change my medication.

The drive home was long too, Mom asked me if I wanted to go to Arby’s and get a Rueben, but I was too tired to eat. In my apartment I opened my bedroom window for the first time, after having to call the maintenance guys and ask them how it opened. The air was warm and springy, and even though I was woken up every few minutes (it seemed) by the open shade banging on the window dude to the wind, I took a nice long nap until Rosi called.

She arrived, and we went to Blockbuster, Madagascar (saccharine and weak), A Dirty Shame (we had the censored version :/) Quigly Down Under (Alan Rickman as a cowboy was the only thing that saved that movie) Benny and Joon (So sweet), Mirrormask (Magical) Pulse (A Japanese horror film, I was disappointed) and the Avengers (Cheeeeeeeeeese). We went to Starbucks, and I got a Caramel Apple Cider, then we went to the grocery store, where I got chex mix.
We watched Madagascar, A Dirty Shame, Quigly Down Under, and Benny and Joon that night, while eating pizza and snacks. Benny and Joon was the last before I went to bed, and it left me empty. What I wouldn’t give for someone like Johnny Depp’s character in my life (hell, it wouldn’t hurt if he looked like Johnny Depp either).

I cried myself to sleep, silently as I could, with Rosi sleeping on the couch. Thinking depressive thoughts. “I don’t deserve love” “I’ve missed my only chance” “I’m so lonely” “Sometimes I feel like I’m dead inside and everyone knows it but me, so they smile and pretend not to notice, even though they can see the maggots crawling under my skin”. My friends are deserting me. I’ve been desperately trying to get a hold of Sarah, but she might as well be dead for all I know. No answer on her phone, no response to her e-mail, no evidence that she ever even existed. Tricia’s gone all the time. Another boyfriend, another reason to be away from the computer. Sometimes I think that even if I don’t love her, and she doesn’t love me, she’s the only one who could put up with me well enough to be with me. But that’s not right either. She’s been away for days. Kinny up and disappeared too, so all I have now is Rosi, Rachel, and Hikari.

I don’t want to die, I don’t want to kill myself, but sometimes I sincerely wish I were dead. I just wish there was a way out of this pointless existence sometimes. Sure, I have good days, I have happy days, and I have days when life is as great as it’s going to get but in the end I’m still here alone in this cheap thin-walled apartment with nothing. Even if there were money, there would still be this nagging in the back of my head that there’s nothing for me to be getting up the morning for. Maybe this is what people with faith have that I don’t, they have a delusion that there’s something to live for; that in the end there’s going to be something other than nothingness when we die.

I don’t want to be alone any longer. I don’t want to live like this any longer. Something’s got to give…it has to.  

Saturday, March 11, 2006

ONE DAY I WILL !#$@ YOUR PARENTS!

A lot of sources and screennames on the internet have been telling me that 30 minutes of walking at 2.5 miles per hour is not enough. It’s too slow, it’s too little.

Well, if walking 2.5 miles per hour for 30 minutes is a walk in the park for these people, good for them. But it’s a fucking marathon for me.

I just walked 30 minutes, at a 5% grade, at 2.5mph. According to the nifty little calculator at www.caloriesperhour.com, I burned 295.5 calories. I also worked up a hell of a nasty sweat, and my back, and legs are significantly sore. It will go away, but the calories I burned will not come back.

I need to stop worrying so hard about what other people say is right for me.

I know what’s right for me.

That’s all that I need to know.

Psst! 30 minutes at 2.5mph is exactly 1&1/4 miles!

If Ville has a Vampire Heart, then I do too.

Nothing new to say today, yet again, but I’ll write anyway.

I’ve decided, after a lot of thought, and a nasty mixed state, that I’m not going to worry about losing weight. I’m going to eat 2000 calories or less a day, I’m going to do my walk once or twice a day, depending on how I feel, and I’m just going to let things go that way. I’ll probably lose a little weight, but obsessing about it isn’t what’s right for me. Between obsessing about my weight, being frustrated about it, and pmsing, I’ve been dealing with shitty mood swings all day.

Mom came over at about 4:30pm, and we went to the grocery store, I picked up some fresh veggies, some meatless products, and some sushi.

I fried up the tofu and vegetables for stir-fry today. It turned out surprisingly good, and I think I’ll try it again. Tofu is a fun thing to work with, as long as you’re open to it, and it tasted good with fresh veggies and “Roasted Garlic Teriyaki sauce”

My mom’s idea of eating dinner after I take my medication seems to be just the right thing to keep me from being hungry at night.

Listening to a lot of H.I.M. today…

Friday, March 10, 2006

Another rough day.

I woke up today (yesterday, March 9th) in an absolutely crap mood. At noon my eyes opened, and I sighed, and forced myself back to sleep. I woke up 3 hours later, feeling like crap, still. Apparently those 3 hours of sleep did nothing for my mood. Fuck it.

I was irritated, you see, because last night before I went to bed, after maintaining my diet rather well, I ended up eating two handfuls of haribo raspberries, a handful of Twizzlers Tweeterz, some peanut butter, and some pastrami. It made me feel bad, and it stuck with me.

Though I’ve been down for most of the day, I managed to get over it. I tried walking faster on my treadmill, but 3.0mph is just far too much, I tried it for ¼ of a mile, and it hurt my back, and was very unpleasant. I tried to continue my walk at 2.7mph, but there was just no way. I ended up walking another ¼ and giving up, bitching and moaning about it.

I’ve still been adding up my calories and whatnot, in fact I found an automated service online to help me out, and it’s doing really well. I’ve eaten around 1800 calories today, and I think with one more meal, I can manage to do 2200 or less today, as long as I don’t sabotage myself again before I go to bed. My mom suggested to take my medication and THEN eat, so that twinge of hunger that sets in won’t have an effect on me.  Even though “they” say that eating before you go to bed is bad for you, as long as I’m eating 2200 calories or less a day I don’t think that WHEN I eat it will be a factor.

But this is frustrating. I’ve eaten A LOT today, yet I’m still hungry. I think I’m going to take my meds and eat a can of soup.

I’m going through some mood swings too. I’ve gone from a 2 to a 5 to a 6 to a 2 again on the scale of 1 being the most depressed you’ve ever been, and 10 being the most manic you’ve ever been. When my belly growled I almost started crying And I’ve drank 5 bottles of water today, that bullshit about water suppressing your appetite is ridiculous.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I Ate This

Tallied up my caloric intake for the day.

  • Calories: 2223

  • Fat: 36g

  • Carbohydrates: 342g

  • Sugars: 127

  • Protein: 100g

  • Sodium: 3100 O__O!

So, other than the fact that I believe I had too much salt…I have no frame of reference for this stuff…I don’t know if I should be eating more, less, a LOT less…oh well.

My walk burned 200 calories by the way…

Shake Gently, Serve Chilled.

Decided to fool around with the speed on my treadmill today. I’ve been steadily walking at 2.2 or 2.3 miles per hour, a nice brisk, but calm walk. I always work up a sweat, and burn a decent amount of calories. Today I sped it up to 2.5 for the last quarter mile. It was a bit speedier than I’m use to, but it was do-able. I might try the whole thing at 2.5 tomorrow. I also sped it up to 3, which was a slow jog. I’m not confident enough to jog on my treadmill yet. I’m off balance, and have a fear of falling off of it.

But at any rate, I walked for 31 minutes, burning off 200 calories, roughly half of my breakfast. Worked up a mighty fine sweat, and I feel decent.

So,

  • Walk? Check!

  • Brushed Teeth? Check!

  • Breakfast? Check!

  • Vitamins? Check!

  • Laundry? Check!

All the “have-to-dos” are out of the way now. Unfortunately that leaves me with a serious case of “What’s-left-to-do?”

I’ve decided to tally up the amount of calories I’m eating in the next couple days, to get an idea of whether I need to be eating more or less to lose weight. I wish there were a free online resource where I could keep a log of this sort of stuff, but all of the calorie counters and stuff that I’ve found have been on paysites.  

So far, after Breakfast, Lunch, and Snack #1, I’ve eaten a paltry 1000 calories, and I’m rather satisfied.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Sleep of the Just

As I spend this morning sitting with my obligatory oatmeal and a cup of tea, trying to shake off the drowsiness that I feel after every good night’s sleep, I wish that I could wake up feeling alert and perky. I opened my eyes at 9:30am, after at least 10 hours of good sleep, and the first thought that goes through my mind is “I want to go back to sleep”. There’s no wonder as to why my sleep schedule is so fucked up, why I continually get up past noon. It’s irritating, sincerely.

I slept well enough; I always do, but shaking off the sluggish feeling of sleepiness is hard as ever. I ate two packets of oatmeal (two servings, but I wake up feeling hungry as hell) a banana, and a cup of tea, and I’m still sluggish and foggy. And hungry. That’s the really frustrating thing. My appetite is crazy. 2 packets of oatmeal (300 calories, 4 grams of fat) a banana (around 100 calories?) and a cup of tea with sugar (hmm…28 calories?)…and I’m still very hungry. Physically mind you, not the boredom, nothing better to do, just want to eat because I want to eat hungry. My stomach is growling, churning, and being irritating generally.

I’m going go try and take my walk, maybe it’ll perk me up.

It didn’t :/

Monday, March 06, 2006

One Small Step for Extremist Conservatives, One Giant Leap Backwards for Women's Rights.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11699703/


I’m ashamed to live in the United States sometimes.

This is one of them.  

Self-esteem boost for the day: I'm a gorgeous fat girl.

I love modern appliances, especially modern kitchen appliances. When I moved into my new apartment, at the age of 18, I received housewarming gifts for Christmas; a waffle iron, a crock-pot, and a little food processor. I’ve been ogling the KitchenAid stand mixers for months; I love kitchen appliances!

But no modern kitchen appliance holds the place in my heart that the microwave does. Putting aside the quality meals that can be made from leftovers alone, there are supermarket shelves full of foods that can be made in the microwave. Frozen vegetables that you cook in the bag, rice and noodle dishes made in a microwavable container, even desserts on the store shelves that after two or three minutes of heat turn into decadent molten cakes; TV dinners, pizza, sandwiches, popcorn and all manner of foods can be cooked in that little box in the kitchen.

Why the ode to a common appliance? Quite simply, I love my microwave and I’m pleased to have it. I’ve had my share of fantastic meals lately, made of nothing but leftovers and microwavable rice or noodle dishes. Living alone, I don’t like cooking every single day, not only is it a waste of dishes, but it’s tedious and frustrating! Last week I fried up some lean turkey sausage, and throughout the week I’ve been eating it, reheated, with microwave cooked vegetables and a starch. No pans to scrub, no cooking utensils to wash, no having to clean up the stove afterwards, just a lovely meal within 15 minutes or less.

Thank you microwave, I love you.

As for the rest of my day, I woke up at around midnight feeling lost and dazed, I’d been having odd dreams, probably attributed to previewing the Japanese gay boy porn that I’ve come across lately. I also dreamt about mandragora, go figure. I walked for 30 minutes, just over a mile, started out a bit more energetic than I should have, and was completely beat by the time the 30 minutes were over. Damn music got me too into it, yes it is possible to dance on a treadmill, yes I probably looked like a complete loser, but it was fun.

Drastically running low on hard drive space currently, I mean, I’m sure this problem could be solved by, well, downloading less shit and deleting the stuff I haven’t used in ages, my manga folder, for example. But I’m a squirrel, metaphorically, I horde! I gather files like acorns and horde them, guarding them viciously, my files, no touchy! Of course there’s no money to buy another external hard drive, or this lovely external DVD/CD burner I found at Newegg.com, but I want it anyway, and if I keep running low on space, I’m going to need it. I’ve got about 25 dollars stashed away, hopefully I can make that grow by 100 in the next few weeks while not maxing out my hard drive space. I have around 15 gigs left, between my two drives. Fuck.

I really hate my schedule sometimes, waking up at midnight would be all fine and good if there were something for me to fucking do. I’ve walked, I’ve eaten, I’ve washed dishes, I’ve refilled the humidifier…and…aside from laundry that I may or may not do, there’s nothing left for the day other than watching TV, playing video games, and fucking around on the PC. Nobody’s online of course, I chatted with Rachel a bit, said ‘ello to Kinny when she popped up for a couple minutes, but that’s that. Currently I’m surfing around on Snopes.com for light, whimsical reading, watching VH1/MTV (switching between the two when real crap comes on. It’s bullshit, MTV and VH1 only show music videos at 5am or so, so much for music television, too much fucking reality shit…but that’s a rant for another day!) and checking out the video that just finished downloading, don’t think it’s my thing, the guys are far too muscular and clean-cut. I think I’ll just delete it and clear up some extra hard drive space. There’s a white reggae rapper on MTV right now, apparently an orthodox Jew doing reggae music. That’s bloody weird. I’ve got nothing against Judaism or reggae for that matter, I just never thought I’d see the two mix. Oh, Fall Out Boy is on now. My guilty pleasure. Rawr!

On another tangent, why am I so bleeding hungry lately? I’m trying not to overeat, but ever since I started working out, I’ve been ridiculously hungry. I’m eating three full meals a day, more than I usually do, and I’m starving! Listen metabolism! I’m trying to fucking lose weight here! Don’t reward me for exercising by forcing me to eat an extra meal a day! Don’t fuck with me Metabolism! I’ve got Slimfast and I know how to use it! Just try me, I dare ya.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

"You! Son with wang! You please ancestors!"

Exercise is Sexy.

If I’d heard someone state that two months ago, I would have laughed in their face, glared at them irritably and generally figured they were on crack. Afterall, exercise makes you sweat like you’ve been running for your life, smell like a gym locker, and hurts your joints and muscles. How can that be sexy?

One word, accomplishment.

Exercise isn’t easy, and it’s not generally fun, but when I’m done with that mile, mile and a quarter, or mile and a half, I’ve accomplished something that nobody, and nothing can take away from me. My depression can’t take it away from me.

My walk was one and a quarter miles today, after which I took a nice hot shower, I felt like a queen. Sweating bullets from head to toe, smelling like I’d forgotten deodorant for the past 3 days, and hot as hell, and I’ve never felt better.

I’m still not losing weight, but everyone that I’ve spoken to assures me that I’m going to be building muscle for a while, and I shouldn’t actually expect any weight loss right away. With the way my mood has been though, I’m not going to stop just because I’m not seeing results in my body.

P!nk has a new song out, called Stupid Girls, and it’s obviously aimed at celebrities like Paris Hilton and such, who are famous just because they’re famous, no talent, no brains, no substance. I like it, she’s a gorgeous woman, it’s a pity she’s straight; I read somewhere that she just got married. What a loss for the lesbian community.

Well I’m like a broken record aren’t I? “I took a walk, I did this, I did that”. Christ I’m boring.

Oh, spoke to Daren the other night; he instant messaged me while drunk on his 21st birthday. Maybe we’ll go out for dinner to catch up when he gets back from vacation, I doubt it though, he’s sort of flaky.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Jam Tomorrow...

Yesterday was a damn decent day. I woke up feeling sluggish and foggy as usual, but after a bit I shook it off. I took my walk, one and one-fourth of a mile, and then I cooked up the “Sweet Italian Turkey Sausage” that was sitting in my fridge. I heated up some leftover cauliflower, pea pods, red peppers, and cheddar noodles on the side, and it was one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time. In fact, it’s one of the best meals I’ve ever cooked for myself, and two thirds of it was leftovers. I finished off the rum raisin for dessert, bad of me, but the meal was just that good; it deserved a fattening and fantastic dessert. Mum came over before I went to sleep, and Haiiro played with the catnip for the first time, in his sweet little goofy way.

Today, was far less decent. I managed my walk, but the day did not treat me well…don’t wanna talk about it.