I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Something's broken...

I’m going through a thing.

Yesterday was long, Mom showed up at 11 or so to take me to Dr. Singhal’s office. The drive felt extra long, and I nodded off every couple minutes, listening to H.I.M. The visit was short, and Singhal told me that if I can see the female doctor in Ortonville because she takes Medicaid, that I should, and to not argue if she wants to change my medication.

The drive home was long too, Mom asked me if I wanted to go to Arby’s and get a Rueben, but I was too tired to eat. In my apartment I opened my bedroom window for the first time, after having to call the maintenance guys and ask them how it opened. The air was warm and springy, and even though I was woken up every few minutes (it seemed) by the open shade banging on the window dude to the wind, I took a nice long nap until Rosi called.

She arrived, and we went to Blockbuster, Madagascar (saccharine and weak), A Dirty Shame (we had the censored version :/) Quigly Down Under (Alan Rickman as a cowboy was the only thing that saved that movie) Benny and Joon (So sweet), Mirrormask (Magical) Pulse (A Japanese horror film, I was disappointed) and the Avengers (Cheeeeeeeeeese). We went to Starbucks, and I got a Caramel Apple Cider, then we went to the grocery store, where I got chex mix.
We watched Madagascar, A Dirty Shame, Quigly Down Under, and Benny and Joon that night, while eating pizza and snacks. Benny and Joon was the last before I went to bed, and it left me empty. What I wouldn’t give for someone like Johnny Depp’s character in my life (hell, it wouldn’t hurt if he looked like Johnny Depp either).

I cried myself to sleep, silently as I could, with Rosi sleeping on the couch. Thinking depressive thoughts. “I don’t deserve love” “I’ve missed my only chance” “I’m so lonely” “Sometimes I feel like I’m dead inside and everyone knows it but me, so they smile and pretend not to notice, even though they can see the maggots crawling under my skin”. My friends are deserting me. I’ve been desperately trying to get a hold of Sarah, but she might as well be dead for all I know. No answer on her phone, no response to her e-mail, no evidence that she ever even existed. Tricia’s gone all the time. Another boyfriend, another reason to be away from the computer. Sometimes I think that even if I don’t love her, and she doesn’t love me, she’s the only one who could put up with me well enough to be with me. But that’s not right either. She’s been away for days. Kinny up and disappeared too, so all I have now is Rosi, Rachel, and Hikari.

I don’t want to die, I don’t want to kill myself, but sometimes I sincerely wish I were dead. I just wish there was a way out of this pointless existence sometimes. Sure, I have good days, I have happy days, and I have days when life is as great as it’s going to get but in the end I’m still here alone in this cheap thin-walled apartment with nothing. Even if there were money, there would still be this nagging in the back of my head that there’s nothing for me to be getting up the morning for. Maybe this is what people with faith have that I don’t, they have a delusion that there’s something to live for; that in the end there’s going to be something other than nothingness when we die.

I don’t want to be alone any longer. I don’t want to live like this any longer. Something’s got to give…it has to.  


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