I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Pirates go with everything, even tofu!

Ahh, naiveté and the way difference people display it is grand.

Jack is reminded of Elizabeth, in Mina’s intelligence, beauty and headstrong attitude that lead her to the decisions she makes. Watching her, and being near her, he sees history repeating itself and sees himself left alone. His shipmates already recognize that he has claimed Mina for his own; they see in his eyes and behavior what she cannot.

Mina, young and inexperienced, is unaware of what the feelings in chest mean. The flutter of her heart, the painful tug when she thinks about her real home, the man in France she is betrothed to. Mina has no idea that the seeds of love were planted when she first sat in the cabin with the pirate, when she let down her defenses and let him in.

Love is grand, even imaginary love!

I’ve always been in love with CHARACTERS as opposed to people. I suppose to even things out in the end I’ll just need to find a person who’s a real character in their own right. But as it stands right now I am content to daydream and have no real lover. So much safer, so much easier, at least that’s how I feel. I’m sure those who have been married for 20 years would tell me I don’t know what I’m missing. But I’ll be a bachelorette for a while longer thank you, and enjoy being without the stress that a relationship can put on you.

I didn’t walk on the treadmill yesterday, I’m not sure if I’m lazy or just headstrong. I pass by the treadmill every time I’m in the kitchen and I just go “Nuuuuu” and walk back into the living room. So, yesterday Kinny and I roleplayed for a while, until all of a sudden her friends dropped by and she had to leave, to go do whatever people with large groups of friends do when they drop by. Damn her social life and my lack of one! No, I don’t mind really, it’d be very selfish of me to want her to be online at my beck and call for roleplaying any time I possibly could want it. Gets boring after a while too, half the fun is the waiting, the fantasizing about what they might say next.

Woke up at 2 today, right on schedule, but mom tells me that tomorrow we have a pdoc appointment at 1:40pm. It’s at least 40 minutes away, and we have to visit my dad before to get the money for the doc…

Holy crap, my upstairs neighbors are being really loud, stomping around, dropping things, making my cats look upstairs with that curious, ears back, wtf look on their face.

Well, all of that aside, today I’ve decided I’m going to focus on at least doing ONE thing. I’m going to have a good meal, BBQ tofu and Asparagus. No putting it off, no lazing around until Kinny gets online. I’ve got food to cook and by god I’m going to cook it. In fact, I’m going to go drain the tofu now!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

A picture and a some rambling.

It’s times like this when I wish I could draw. It’s unfair that I can imagine and picture these things so realistically that I could TOUCH them, but when I bring the pen to paper all that comes out in childish scribbling.

Picture, if you can, my Mina Orcot. Alabaster goddess, tall and shapely, with eyes of the richest amethyst, her waist-length inky black hair wrapped into a messy and hurried braid; she’s wearing non-descript clothing, a pair of brown trousers, and an ill-fitting white, mans shirt, no shoes on her feet. Picture her sitting against the wall on a small prison style bed, in the cabin of a ship, resting her back against the wooden wall, her knees at her chest. Next to her is the tanned and ragged pirate, half-drunk and warm, a bottle in his hand, his head against the wall next to her. Watch him sling his arm around her friendlily, and see the momentary indecision in her eyes before she rests her weary head on his shoulder, those jewel-toned eyes slipping closed as her companion rests his chin on her head with a gentleness that betrays his exterior…

This, more or less, is a scene that took place in my roleplay with Kinny last night, and when I close my eyes I can SEE it, I can see the look of weary comfort on her face, the sheer differences in their clothing and features, looking charmingly mismatched but somehow oh so right in the dull light of the cabin.

I would draw this if I could, and it would look exactly the way it looks in my mind. But oh well, I can merely picture it in my mind’s eye and say, “yes, exactly like that.”

Needless to say I’m fantastically obsessed with Jack Sparrow right now. I blame the media, commercials, hype, and breakfast cereal, Johnny Depp’s face plastered on something around every corner. It’s saturation! I’ve always had obsessions with characters, singers, actors, etc; they’ve never hampered my life in the least, and this one isn’t either, but the pure saturation of my object of obsessive affection is driving me crazy. This is going to lead to sexual frustration; I can just see it now. Thank god for plastic and re-chargeable batteries yes?

Anyway, yesterday Kinny showed up early and we had a serious RP session, thank the gods because I was getting ready to hunt her down and nail her to her chair. I did the dishes, another thank god, they were conspiring to take over the kitchen and I just couldn’t have that. But other than burning DVDs to free up space on my laptop, roleplaying, and watching television I really didn’t do all that much yesterday. The dishes were an accomplishment, and I felt GOOD all day. Lots of laughing and smiling, especially after Tricia got online and we started talking about how silly Yomi is, how every little Indies vocalist is trying to be Kyo, and how terrible Antique Café’s videos are. I got to sleep around 5am, nice and regularly for me, and woke up today at 1:45. 8 hours and 45 minutes, god it feels good not to sleep for 10-12 hours a day.
I think that the emptiness and apathy I’ve been feeling lately might have been cycle-related. I’m feel so GOOD today, and it’s not mania either. I’m calm and happy.

Mom showed up a little after I woke up and we headed out to Bob Evens for a deliciously cheap breakfast/lunch. I had Strawberry Banana Crepes and completely cleaned my plate. Mom had chicken and noodles and we got out of there spending less than 10 dollars for a nice filling meal. It’s the little things like that, that make a life happy and fulfilled, I think.

Afterwards we went to the grocery store, which was far too entertaining for just being a grocery store. It’s always good for me to get out of the house, and the only things my mom and I ever really do together are go to doctors and go to the grocery store, so I’ve gotta try to make the best out of things. I didn’t really need any groceries but I bought some gummy worms, some low fat ice cream, and some carrots, to give my mom the illusion that I’m actually eating healthy and not planning on having ice cream with gummy worms in it for dinner. God that sounds good.

Actually health wise I’m doing well. I’m planning on making BBQ tofu tonight for dinner. How do you make BBQ tofu you ask? Uh…we’ll just have to see! :D Actually I’m going to fry up the tofu (in a pan with a light coating of olive oil) after draining it, and putting it in a marinade. Then, I’ll add BBQ sauce, just like a stir-fry. Ingenious I tell you!

My weight is a little heavier than I wanted it to be lately, I put on a little weight and bumped myself up to 232, but it’s slowly dropping and planning on doing some walking today as soon as the Flexeril kicks in, I already walked around the grocery store, so 15 minutes at 2 miles an hour should get my heart rate up pretty well. I really got to start slow, when I try to over-exert myself and walk a mile after not doing it for a while, I end up in serious pain the next day, and in the end it’s just not productive.

I’ve babbled enough today.

Monday, June 26, 2006

A Day Without Rain

It’s kind of dreary out today, looks like rain. It’d be nice if it rained; I think my Hibiscus likes the rainwater better than tap water. It’s always blooming up a storm after it rains. Plus it’s muggy today, not that muggy in Michigan is a new or novel concept, but rain would be nice; wash away the muggy, wash away the heat, give reason for the mucky dreary sky.

I’m really glad my pdoc cut me down to 100mg of Seroquel. My sleeping patterns have never been so steady. I consistently go to bed between 2 and 4am, and consistently wake up around 1-2pm. For a lot of people this might not be the ideal schedule, but it’s perfect for me. My mom is getting use to it, she’s finally resigned herself to the idea that I will never be awake at 9 in the morning to do things with her.

When I woke up today, at 12:45pm, my mom was waiting in the living room. Apparently she didn’t want to sit around the house at home, so she came over here to sit around while I was asleep. At least she didn’t wake me. I woke, I got dressed, and we made our way to Meijers to buy groceries. My mom, being the genius that she is, hadn’t eaten yet at 12:45, even though she’d been up since 8 or so.

So we stopped at Burger King first, even though she insisted she wasn’t hungry. I don’t know if she’s hungry or not, I’m not walking through a grocery store with my mom on an empty stomach. We have very different shopping styles, she goes in there military-like with itemized list, which has every single item lumped together depending on where it is in the store. If her items are not there, she gets angry, if there are too many people in the store she gets angry, if I’m taking too long (which is very likely, to her at least) she gets angry.

I, on the other hand, meander around the store patiently looking at every item that I could possibly be interested in. I never bring a list, but I rarely ever forget what I’ve come to the store looking for. Two things I needed for sure were Balsamic Vinegar and Vegetable Broth, and sure enough, when I came to that aisle, I quickly remembered it. Grocery shopping is a tactile experience! You have to squish the fruit and pick up the boxes to see how heavy they are. But that’s just me.

We got 50 food stamp dollars worth of food, all very healthy and tasty looking stuff. I’ve eaten a Luna Bar, and leftover chicken fried rice (not the type from a restaurant mind you, I made it myself, from a bag :D) and have drunk a bottle of water. I’ve got all this lovely tasty low-calorie, low-fat food, and all I want is a bar of Hershey’s chocolate! How do you do it? How can you train yourself to be satisfied with fruits and healthy snacks, when every nerve in your body is craving for a little bit of chocolate.


Granted I know that eating a little chocolate won’t be the death of me, I even have some of these. 60 calories for the perfect taste of dark chocolate; but I’m not certain it would satisfy me. I ate a lot of junk food when I was a child, and though I reformed, I’m slowly slipping back into my old ways, and I don’t like it. Sweets are lovely and good but I sometimes wish I had no taste buds so wouldn’t be tempted by triple chocolate cake.

Other than inexplicably normal cravings for sweets and junky foods, things seem fine. I’m bored, but that’s nothing new. I could read, but I’d rather not. I could play a video game, but again, I haven’t the drive. Ideally, Kinny would get online right now, and we could roleplay for a long while. It’s been a while since I really indulged myself in a good RP, and since Kinny has been such an absolute doll to play my current object of affection for me, I’m craving her presence all the more.

Hmm, so much talk about nothing...ah! It's raning now...


A line to remember...

"I could teach you many things and more if you wanted. I could show you how to be a pirate, but you would never be tried as one. I would steal you away."

I don't care if our roleplays play out like crap romance novels. I thought that was sweet.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Overproductive.

Time goes by and things move on and I go from writing no blog entries to several a day.

Just a few things to say this time.

Kage has been an absolute doll today, I gave him a new shakey mousie after he tore the feather tail off of the one he’s been working on, and he has been carrying it around in his mouth here and there, like it was his baby. I keep hearing it rattle when he goes tearing around the house.

I talked to Tricia, yes, the same Tricia I was badmouthing in the previous post, and she told me that she’s made a final decision on something we’ve been talking on an off about. When I get my SSDI, after I can get a new place away from my parents, she is going to get dual citizenship and move to Michigan with me. I love her to death. She has been my friend for over 5 years now, through mania and depression, through verbal abuse and guilt trips, through jealousy and bitterness and she’s stayed by my side the entire time. She’s no saint; we’ve torn at each other like rabid dogs on days when we were both angry, but in the end all we really did was help each other get that anger out. We may not be the perfect match, but I really don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t know she was there for me, and I know she feels the same way.

I feel loved. I feel warm and squishy and soft like fresh baked bread.

So the storm has passed, as it may be.

The really shitty part of my period is usually the first two days, maybe three, where I am in constant, unbearable pain. Mortrin 800, originally prescribed for my back pain, helps. Heat also helps, and I wear these neat little disposable “one use only” heated pads that you stick to the inside of your undies.

So far I’ve been productive. I fed the birds, showered, watered the hibiscus, and had waffles, mango, and rice cakes for breakfast. I could probably do without the rice cakes, but I’ve got a voracious appetite today. I rarely eat on those first two days, most foods nauseate me on sight.

I finally corralled my friend Kinny for a good 5 hours of roleplaying last night. (I stapled her to the chair, hehe!). I’m so bored lately, and so apathetic about doing things, that roleplaying is the only thing I’m really looking forward to. I post on message boards, I watch television and listen to my music, but I’m really enjoying the RP time. Because of my general dislike and unwillingness to meet new people, especially in fan related communities, I only have two people that I roleplay with anymore. Kinny is around a lot, but has odd emergencies and things that take her away from the PC. Tricia finally got her computer fixed, but her new boyfriend still remains more important than me.

Example: Her PC has been broken for over a month, she has talked to me at least 20 minutes throughout this whole time. She has called her boyfriend everyday. The day her PC gets fixed, she chats with me for about an hour until it’s time to call her boyfriend. Some best friend eh? Calling the boyfriend still has priority over talking to the best friend, even though it’s been a month since she’s done so. I’m bitter, but I have every right to be. Lust (not love, she’s never even met this guy face to face) does really stupid things to people.

So it’s 4:24pm, I’ve been up for two hours, and my day is complete. I have nothing else to do other than eat my other meals, chat with people on the internet, and talk with my mother on the phone. Speaking of, Rick wanted to know if you can sell houses on eBay. He’s an idiot. What are they planning on selling the house? Where are they, and my aunt and uncle who live in the basement (fully furnished) planning on living? What the hell do they have in mind wanting to sell the house when they’re planning on moving me back into it this October? Maybe that’s not why he wanted to know, but I have a strong feeling that it is. He’s got this great idea that we’re going to built a house, with two levels, with enough room for me, them, and grandma and grandpa. He’s an idiot, a complete and utter idiot. Our family has lived in that ranch for 21 years. We own it outright. Where the hell does he even THINK that building a new house at this point in time is a good idea? Especially with the money problems we’re having now. Creditors and credit companies are calling so often that when my mom’s landline got turned off they just left it that way. I just cannot begin to fathom why Rick thinks this is a good idea, or why my mom would be willing to go along with him.

I guess love does stupid things to you too. For my sanity, and my intelligence, I hope I never fall in love again.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Me: In Review

Let’s start from the beginning about what’s going on with me lately.
First and foremost; it has been decided that I am moving back in with my mother and stepfather in October. The cost of keeping me in an apartment is so great that my mother is forty thousand dollars in debt, and my father is not going to let that happen to him as well. The money is gone, I do not have Medicaid, the only thing I really do have is the food stamps, 156 dollars worth of food a month.

I do not want to move back into my mother’s house. I don’t like the house; I don’t like being around her consistently. I love my mother, there is no disputing that, but I can really only take her in small doses.

My old room was converted into my stepfather’s room. It’s been painted blue and fitted with hardwood flooring. The blue paint I can deal with, but I don’t like hardwood flooring in any room other than the kitchen. I’ll have to have rugs. All of my things will be going in storage except for what will fit into my old room. Television, video games, laptop, and several bookshelves…some of my kitchen items will fit in my mom’s kitchen, and the rest will go into storage. I’ll keep my teas and other heat-able drinks in my bedroom. I’ll have a twin bed, so I will have more room in my bedroom. Both cats and both gerbils, providing they survive, will also be coming with me.

It doesn’t seem so bad from the outside, and, in the end, I’ve pretty much given up fighting against it. But it just makes me sad. I’ve spent three years living in apartments, and I’ve relished the freedom. My sleeping patterns are not normal, because I choose to stay up late. Currently I’m going to bed around 3-4 in the morning, and waking up between 12:45 and 2pm in the afternoon. It’s stable enough; I’m sleeping 9 hours as opposed to 10, 12, or 14. Maybe I’m being childish; maybe I’m being selfish. I’m not happy that my mom has lost all this money, and that we’re living on the poverty range right now, but I don’t want things to change; even if it’s only for a short period of time. I don’t want to move back home. I was never happy there; I was never comfortable there.


Secondly: My moods are acting up. I’m somewhat fatigued, somewhat depressed, pretty EMPTY generally. Apathetic? I haven’t been doing much, haven’t had the motivation for it. I’ve watched TV, read websites, played video games, even cooked a little, but that’s about it.

Lexa came over and we watched movies together a while ago. We watched “Hook”, “Pirates of the Caribbean”, “Casanova”, “The Brothers Grimm”, and “Muppet Treasure Island”. We had Hawaiian Barbeque Pizza and Strawberry Pie. It was fun, it always is, and I did my best to call her by her new name. (Lexa used to be Rosi, she changed her first, middle, and last name sometime a couple years ago.) I’ve been really reluctant to call her by her new name, because I think she changed it for silly reasons, and because, simply, I’ve always known her as Rosi. But, she is one of my best friends, and I should respect her decision.

I finally got to talk to Tricia again, which I really needed. I’ve missed her so much while her PC wasn’t working. All is well in Tricia-land (a.k.a.) Canada, and she’s happy to see me too.

Lastly: I’m on my period. And I hate it. I’m drained, bleeding, and the very epitome of the word “BLEH”

Friday, June 23, 2006

The very definition of bleh.

I really do want to write more often, but every time I try I stare at the blank screen in front of me completely uninspired. I could write about my day, but what is there to really write about. I did laundry, I did dishes, I cooked, I ate, and I slept.

Bleh.

I tried.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

June 05's Post.

Tomorrow is 6/6/06, and of course there’s an unneeded amount of hype about it. The classic horror movie “The Omen” has been remade, and is being released. Hell Michigan is having a special 666 themed party, which I actually find kind of cute. But the only significance that this day holds for me is it’s my father’s birthday. I definitely have to call him and send him some good wishes.

I’ve stopped playing Ragnarok Online, because our server was having problems. The rest of the guild moved to a different server, so I’m finished playing. Not only do I not feel like restarting from scratch, but I’m more productive when I’m not spending hours on an MMORPG. When I get a new PC, and rejoin Everquest, I’ll limit myself to 2-3 hours a day, rather than wasting 6-8 hours on a video game. Besides, I have dozens and dozens of console games that I’ve been neglecting. I’m pretty close to finishing Suikoden V again, this time with all 108 stars of destiny. I figure I’ll start with Suikoden I next, and play through the series, as the chronological order is actually V – I – II – III – IV.

I’ve cooked a few nice meals recently, including Tofu Apple-Veggie stir-fry, and Whole Wheat Spaghetti with Green Pepper and Mushroom Sauce a la Ragu. Two things to remember for next time.

1: Skin the apples before adding them.
2: Cook the whole wheat pasta for longer than 9 minutes. Don’t trust test noodles.

I am ever so irritated with my mother today. She arrived at 11am, waking me up to ask me where her pills were. Unfortunately, the pills were in her purse and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve only been awake for 10 hours or so, and most of it has been lying down on the couch trying to sleep. I’m still deliriously tired and probably going to pass out an hour or so after posting this…

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Overdue

Every time I have a blog or a journal I write furiously for a few weeks, even a couple of months, then neglect it completely. Good to see that my habits haven’t changed much as I’ve gotten older.

The 30th was my 22nd birthday. Very little happened. My mom picked me up, and we went to get the tail light on my car changed, very exciting, a very fancy thing to do on ones birthday. This put me in an off mood. My mom’s had my car for weeks and she didn’t bother to take it up to the oil change place until my birthday.

We bought a cake at Bueches, a “Chocolate Chocolate Cheesecake Cake” which was very delicious and has effectively raised my weight by 5 pounds or so. Then after a bit of arguing my mom took me home. I was going to see grandma and grandpa and get my gift from them, but they went off to the doctors before I even arrived to my mom’s house.

The day after my birthday I had an appointment for a pulmonary functions test and some X-Rays at St. Joseph Hospital.  We get inside, finally get where we’re supposed to be, and the first thing that happens is a woman comes on the loudspeaker for the “morning scripture”. I thanked god (heh) that I had brought my iPod and headphones and blasted deadman until that was over. It felt very uncomfortable to be a hospital, listening to somebody recite from the bible. I tried to think if it was illegal, as in the separation of church and state, but it IS a hospital named after a saint, not a state building. Still it’s uncomfortable and pretty upsetting to have scripture shoved down your throat. I wonder when the powers that be decided that this country was going to be a Christian one. I know it wasn’t the intentions of the founders…meh.

During the pulmonary test I was given a drug called Albuterol through a nebulizer, which gave me severe tremors. Other than that the test wasn’t hard or uncomfortable, other than the fact that the shaking made me feel that I was starting to have a panic attack. It didn’t go away until after the X-Rays and after the Arby’s for lunch. We stopped at Meijer for a few things, including some extra-special mousies for Kage. He really likes them.

Tomorrow is my monthly appointment with Singhal, and we’re also going to Noble Fish as an extension of my birthday, I’ll hopefully be getting money from my dad and his parents, getting my present from my Grandparents, (They got me a birdhouse, but I’m not supposed to know that yet, I have to practice acting surprised.) Also we’ll be going to best buy to pick up a new network card and HOPEFULLY a couple of video games, depending on the kind of money I get from my dad. Hopefully I’ll get about 200, 100 for a massaging pad for my couch to ease the pain in my back a little bit, and 100 for video games. I want so much stuff…