I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

I’m just a regular woman, living in Michigan, 22 years old, 2 cats, there’s nothing extraordinary or fantastic about me, so I assume that my thoughts can’t be too exciting to anyone other than myself. But that’s quite all right, because this blog is first and foremost, for myself and nobody else. This will hold the chronicles of my boring life as I try to change myself for the better, I’m hoping to write every day, or every other day at least, but we’ll just have to see.

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Location: Grand Blanc, Michigan, United States

Friday, July 14, 2006

Oh I'm pissed.

I think I’m PMSing. This is the biggest difference between a man and a woman with bipolar disorder. When on the right medications, when feeling well for a long period of time, the man does not have to worry about the “monthly curse” hitting him and making all the progress they have made go to hell.

Why is it that science hasn’t come up with a safe way of alleviating this hell for women? Not only is there the indignity, discomfort, and just plain disgust of bleeding from your vagina for 3-5 days a month, sometimes accompanied by debilitating pain similar to labor. But there’s the mental breakdown. I’ve been fine all month, I’ve been energetic, I’ve been happy, and I’ve felt GOOD. But no, nothing gets to fucking last.

Yesterday I was manic, I was clenching my hands, getting up and walking around, eating everything in sight, and wanting to kill everyone. I screamed at my PC, I glared at my cats; it took everything in my power not to tell my best friends and mom to fuck off when they talked to me. Today I just feel shitty, I want to go back to bed and I don’t want to do anything at all. I just want to scream, break things, and eat. And I don’t even really want to eat. My stomach is growling and I just want to yell at it.

Why is this still happening? Why do I have to suffer with erratic moods and debilitating pain? Sure, there are birth control protocols that can make you have between 0-4 periods a year, but those are of course accompanied by all the normal risks of birth control; blood clots, stroke, heart disease, etc. So I can get on one of these, not that I need birth control mind you, I don’t fucking have sex with men. I don’t have sex with anyone. It’s been four years since that, and over 2 since I kissed anyone. So I can get on birth control for no reason other than alleviating my stress, pain, and indignity of being on my period, only to expose myself to many potential health risks.

You know what my theory is?

Men like knowing that we’re the “weaker sex”. For the same reason that they try to make us disappear by making us obsessed with our weight and dieting. They might hate dealing with us when we’re in our hormonal straightjacket of menstruation, but in the back of their mind they’ll snicker and say, “See this is why a woman can never be president, they’re completely irrational. This is why men are better than women, this is why we’re stronger and superior.” Oh and of course there’s the companies that profit off of us. Pads, tampons, midol and pamprin, even heating pads specifically designed to have on your belly when you’re having cramps.

This is insane. We shouldn’t have to deal with this. I should be able to have my bipolar stable and BE stable the whole goddamned month. Someone remove my uterus, throw it away I don’t need it. Throw it to the dogs. Whenever I hear someone talking about the “miracle of childbirth” and how it’s so empowering as a woman I want to shake them by the shoulders and ask them if the epidural has addled their fucking brain.

There is no pride in being female, there is only burden.

Another thing, gynecologists. This godforsaken society is so advanced that we can give people robotic limbs when they lose one, but the only way to make sure a woman is healthy is to put her on a bed, legs akimbo, and stick your hand inside of her. No. This is not right. Not right at all. Stop working on computer animation and diet pills, stop making exercise equipment and Hollywood movies.



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