I decided I needed to take my pants off. It improved my disposition greatly.

The little things...

2006-08-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

It really is the little things in life that make you feel warm (Scratch that, warm is bad right now) and fuzzy.

My mom came over at about 10 in the morning while I was still asleep. She woke me up to show me a couple things she had gotten at the store for me. Prilosec OTC, because the insurance won’t fill my prescription for Nexium, a package of gerbil treats, a jar of peanut butter, and a package of mousie toys for Kage.

The mousie toys hit me in the heart the hardest. See, my brown tabby cat, Kage (Japanese for shadow, because he followed me incessantly when I got him), is a mousie connoisseur. He only likes a certain type of mousie, and will play with nothing else. The mousies have to be made out of real fur; he does not play with synthetic material. In addition they have to be basically a hollow plastic tube or ball filled with what I like to call “Shakies”. Since he plays with them so often, he wears them out, and recently I realized he had ripped fur off of and broken most of his mousies. So we hit the grocery stores, the pet stores and only found a package of far smaller mousies that were made out of fur and feathers, but they just weren’t the same.

The package of mousies my mom brought me today is EXACTLY the same as Kage’s favorite. On top of everything else, they cost nearly 7 dollars, but she bought them for my baby. That was a great thing to have in the morning, I promptly went back to sleep, but when I opened up the package and gave a mousie to Kage, the look in his eyes was worth it all. He KNEW that those were his favorite.

Moving on, the weather is completely ridiculous. Bring me a republican, better yet, bring me Bush, so I can shove his face against the asphalt and ask him if he really things that Global Warming is a democratic conspiracy. I got the mail today, and then hiked the rent check up to the front office. It took maybe five minutes and it felt like an HOUR. The heat and humidity is so oppressive that not only did it feel like walking through hot soup but after that 5-minute trek there and back I was COVERED in sweat. I don’t even get this sweaty walking a mile on my treadmill.

Hopefully mom will show up tomorrow to go to the grocery store and get a few necessities. I’m out of relish. No, see, this is a necessity because I can’t use all the tuna fish in my fridge if I don’t have relish to make tuna salad…basically what I want to get at the store is relish, ice cream, and eggs. There’s a lot more I could buy but I don’t get food stamps until the 7th. So I’ve gotta live off of what’s in the fridge until then. I can survive! Soup, noodles, tofu! In all actuality I should buy more tofu…ah. Anyway.

I'm addicted to Hawksley Workman, thanks Trish.

No muscle man, no candy cane
No pack of sexy starving wolves
No money talking, moonlight walking
Lady shocking, big crow cocking
Those ladybugs can go to blazes
Here and there go pretty faces
All of this don't mess my stuffing
Only one thing got me huffing

I'm jealous of your cigarette
And all the things you do with it
I'm jealous of your cigarette
And the pleasure that you get from it
And not me
All this time your talking no

No king, no prince with gold ring pinky
I suggest that we do something kinky
No pilot flying private plane
To smooch you on the hills of Spain
No catapult to all night kisses
That old thing just always misses
All of this don't mess my stuffing
Only one thing got me huffing

I'm jealous of your cigarette
And all the things you do with it
I'm jealous of your cigarette
And how you wanna suck on it
And not me
All this time your talking no…

On music, and the other things vital to life.

2006-07-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Not entirely much has been going on lately, but I just haven’t felt motivated enough to write. I went to see my pdoc on Friday, complained about the PMS but he didn’t do anything to help me with it. If it’s just as bad next month I think I’ll complain again, I shouldn’t have to suffer a week of symptoms if I don’t have to.

I’ve been roleplaying pretty steadily, Kinny’s showing up every day. We got about 6 hours in yesterday before her nephew started acting up. He’s having “emotional problems” that her brother is instigating. Depression runs in her family, both her and her nephew are diagnosed with it but the nephew is not taking medication. She’s going to try to get him to a therapist but if his father is doing things to antagonize and trigger him it doesn’t really seem like it’s going to work itself out well.

Oh well, it’s not my business even if we’ve been friends for 4+ years; we don’t do a lot of talking about our real lives but we’re friends all the same.

Other than visiting the pdoc I haven’t really been doing much. Money is tight so I went grocery shopping once recently but the cupboards are getting pretty bare. Not really, I’ve got loads of food in the cupboards but I’m kind of hurting for protein. I’m going to have to cook up that tofu pretty soon as I’m just running out of other things to eat. I’ve got plenty of frozen stuff, lots of veggies, a couple healthy choice meals and a bag of “Steak Teriyaki” but what do you do if you don’t feel like that? Just eat it anyway? Blah.

The move back to my mom’s house is concrete now, at the end of September I’m going to be moving back into my old room. I’m trying to tell my mom that she’s going to have to get the internet turned on at least two days before I move back in, because god forbid she has me stranded there for a week or something without the net. Comcast is always fucking slow too, so she’s just gotta make sure it’s set up. I’ve also informed her that I’m going to need a space heater for the winter, and she’s all “We’ll see”. I run way colder than my mother does, she keeps the heat at 72 in the winter, and that’s not even warm enough for me in the summer. 75 is a good baseline temperature for me, warmer is fine in the winter, but rarely in the summer.

I’ve discovered a load of new music lately, through the magic of Pandora and my friend Tricia. AFI, Alien Ant Farm, Coheed and Cambria, Crosstide, Death Cab for Cutie, Desole, Feeder, Forgive Durden, Franz Ferdinand, Hail Social, Hawk Nelson, Hawksley Workman, Idlewild, Katatonia, Kevin Devine, Kill Hannah, Love Equals Death, Motion City Soundtrack, Panic! At The Disco (My new favorite), Powderfinger, Sanctus Real, Scars of Life, The Like Young, The Raconteurs, and Violet Nine. I love music; I eat it up like popcorn. 85 gigabytes of music, 85, that’s fucking crazy. 48.5 is all Japanese. 32.8 is in English and the other 3.7 is random soundtracks and stuff. Sheesh, crazy.

Oh I'm pissed.

2006-07-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

I think I’m PMSing. This is the biggest difference between a man and a woman with bipolar disorder. When on the right medications, when feeling well for a long period of time, the man does not have to worry about the “monthly curse” hitting him and making all the progress they have made go to hell.

Why is it that science hasn’t come up with a safe way of alleviating this hell for women? Not only is there the indignity, discomfort, and just plain disgust of bleeding from your vagina for 3-5 days a month, sometimes accompanied by debilitating pain similar to labor. But there’s the mental breakdown. I’ve been fine all month, I’ve been energetic, I’ve been happy, and I’ve felt GOOD. But no, nothing gets to fucking last.

Yesterday I was manic, I was clenching my hands, getting up and walking around, eating everything in sight, and wanting to kill everyone. I screamed at my PC, I glared at my cats; it took everything in my power not to tell my best friends and mom to fuck off when they talked to me. Today I just feel shitty, I want to go back to bed and I don’t want to do anything at all. I just want to scream, break things, and eat. And I don’t even really want to eat. My stomach is growling and I just want to yell at it.

Why is this still happening? Why do I have to suffer with erratic moods and debilitating pain? Sure, there are birth control protocols that can make you have between 0-4 periods a year, but those are of course accompanied by all the normal risks of birth control; blood clots, stroke, heart disease, etc. So I can get on one of these, not that I need birth control mind you, I don’t fucking have sex with men. I don’t have sex with anyone. It’s been four years since that, and over 2 since I kissed anyone. So I can get on birth control for no reason other than alleviating my stress, pain, and indignity of being on my period, only to expose myself to many potential health risks.

You know what my theory is?

Men like knowing that we’re the “weaker sex”. For the same reason that they try to make us disappear by making us obsessed with our weight and dieting. They might hate dealing with us when we’re in our hormonal straightjacket of menstruation, but in the back of their mind they’ll snicker and say, “See this is why a woman can never be president, they’re completely irrational. This is why men are better than women, this is why we’re stronger and superior.” Oh and of course there’s the companies that profit off of us. Pads, tampons, midol and pamprin, even heating pads specifically designed to have on your belly when you’re having cramps.

This is insane. We shouldn’t have to deal with this. I should be able to have my bipolar stable and BE stable the whole goddamned month. Someone remove my uterus, throw it away I don’t need it. Throw it to the dogs. Whenever I hear someone talking about the “miracle of childbirth” and how it’s so empowering as a woman I want to shake them by the shoulders and ask them if the epidural has addled their fucking brain.

There is no pride in being female, there is only burden.

Another thing, gynecologists. This godforsaken society is so advanced that we can give people robotic limbs when they lose one, but the only way to make sure a woman is healthy is to put her on a bed, legs akimbo, and stick your hand inside of her. No. This is not right. Not right at all. Stop working on computer animation and diet pills, stop making exercise equipment and Hollywood movies.

FIX US NOW.

Fin~

2006-07-13T01:46:00.000-07:00

I don’t normally FINISH roleplays; I get bored with them and start new ones somewhere in the middle. Kinny and I pretty effectively ended one today, the story of Mina Orcot and Jack Sparrow. He finally decides that he should no longer dwell on Elizabeth Swann, realizing that Mina’s willingness to love him, and her strength of will was worth more than the memory of a woman who was already taken. Before they could live happily ever after though, they ran into Mina’s father, who appears to be the devil in a man’s skin. With half a dozen rifles pointed at his chest, Jack convinces him that if the only problem was the matter of dowry (Mina had been set to marry a Frenchman when she was “ransomed” by Jack) that he would more than double the offer. He buys her freedom, and they do indeed live happily ever after.

It was a long RP! I have 13 saved logs from Yahoo Messenger, and they’re all very long. This of course by no means is the end to my roleplaying. Tomorrow we will start anew. This time I’ll be playing the eccentric and fearless Victoria Anne Merrick.

The Prologue~

The air was fresh and clean, and the blue summer sky seemed to go on forever in the bustling city of Port Royale. Businessmen, paupers and everything in between swarmed the streets like water through a stream. Merchants in charming shops and sparse stalls hawked their wares, fresh fruit, fine clothing, jewelry and necessities.

Every city has its characters, and this one is no exception. From the noblemen in powdered wigs to the shady yet interesting characters lurking in the alleys, Port Royale was ever the interesting place to be.

Atop the slanted roof of a tavern sat one of these characters; a young woman in man’s dress, a three cornered hat pulled low on her face. Victoria was a newcomer to Port Royale and if you didn’t look twice you could mistake the small woman for a young man.

If your eyes were deadened by drink, or weary from work, she passed incredibly well. However if your mind was sharp and your eyes critical, there were many flaws in her appearance. Her hips were too wide, her waist too thin, even under the trousers, billowy white shirt, vest and jacket. The girls face, though she was not stunning, was still very lovely, too soft and sweet for a man.

As she sat jauntily atop the roof (and who knew how she had gotten there), she removed a small and delicate pipe from her jacket pocket. Striking a match against the bottom of her boot, she placed it between her lips and lit the tobacco inside. Under that hat there were striking jade eyes, that watched the people below with a sharp interest.

Slowly drawing the acrid smoke into her lungs, Victoria’s eyes lit on a commotion. One hand holding the pipe deftly, the other slid the tri-corner hat off of her head, resting it on her lap, a waterfall of tawny brown hair falling over her shoulders. The girl’s skin was tanned, a fine golden color of someone who spent their time outdoors in the sun. Pleasantly shaped but wind-chapped lips came down again on the pipe as she watched three British soldiers in their red coats surrounding a man…

/end non-real stuff.

Today I fried up my tofu, although it's not actually FRYING. I put it in a pan with a tiny amount of oil and cook it. Is that considered frying or sauteeing? I love t0 cook but some of the terms elude me.

I took my walk again today, 24 minutes, one mile, 2.5 miles per hour. Mom called in the middle of it, just to call, because that's just how she is sometimes. She had called three times before I heard the phone ringing, because I listen to music when I'm walking. It was dumb luck that the song turned off right when she called. I'm sure if I hadn't answered after 3-4 more calls she would have come over. She's riduclously paranoid about me. She's worried I'll fall down at hurt myself and not be able to reach the phone. I'm 22! I'm more resiliant than that!

But yes, day was good. Had tofu, did much roleplaying. Must sleep now.

For lack of anything else.

2006-07-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

La la la, haven’t really accomplished much other than squeezing tofu, doing the dishes, doing some roleplaying, playing Zoo Tycoon, and walking on the treadmill.

I’ve been ok.

So THAT'S why the rum's always gone...

2006-07-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

After nearly a week of absence Kinny has showed up, much to my relief. It turns out she had gotten a nasty summer cold and has been under the weather for the entire week. I had a feeling that something was wrong, she just doesn’t up and disappear like that.

I feel very relieved, doubly so that she felt good enough to RP with me.
I almost feel guilty about asking her to roleplay, but in the end I know it’s not just for me, she wouldn’t have been roleplaying with me for 3 some years now if she didn’t enjoy it too. I of course made it perfectly clear that if she wasn’t feeling well enough that we didn’t have to roleplay.

So mom and I went out to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest today. She showed up at 11:00am, even though we were planning on seeing the 2 o’clock show. I woke up at 11:30, and heard someone moving around, so I couldn’t fall back to sleep. She braided my hair, and I put on my tank top with the skull and crossbones on it, because I don’t yet have my “Sparrow’s Wench” t-shirt. We buy tickets at the theater, she puts about a gallon of butter on the popcorn (and on her hands in the process) and we sit down to watch.

The previews are terrible, not one good-looking movie in them. Hollywood’s going downhill, granted, it has been for years. The movie itself was good, but pretty long. 2 hours and 30 minutes is a lot when the theater is the average temperature of Antarctica. I liked the movie, mom liked the movie, and the rest of the theater seemed to as well. It’s always cute when people clap after movies.

At home, nothing’s very exciting. I chat with Rachel and Hikari, I look around for people to roleplay with and come up empty, doesn’t matter much anyway I think, I need to be patient and be very happy with the ones I have. Besides, Kinny and Tricia are the best, regardless of the duration between posts, between RPs, or whatever. They’re my friends, I feel a little guilty about trying to find new people, I haven’t acted this desperate in MANY years. I blame the movie, that’s gotta be thing, blame something other than boredom. As Rachel says, “I hate boredom, it’s so boring.”

I did manage to walk on the treadmill today, even though sitting in the theater for 2.5 hours had made me a little sore and tired, only 15 minutes but it’s good for me to stay in the habit. That’s all for now. I’m still roleplaying and watching Ghost Hunters; good end to a good day.

Motivation, it's a beautiful thing.

2006-07-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

I used to really identify with these lyrics. I still love them, but I no longer feel Rob Thomas is singing words that I wrote...

Could I Be You
Something is wrong with the sum of us
And I can't seem to erase
How can I be the only one
Without a smile on my face?

When now...
And you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering could I just be you tonight...

You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can't even start to feel mine
And I'm standing in place with my head first
And I shake and I shake
And I see your progress stretched out for miles, and miles

And you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering could I just be you tonight...

This is the sound that I make
These I words I chose
Somehow the right thing to say
Just won't come out...
Just won't come out...

And you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering could I just be you tonight...
And I was wondering could I just be you tonight...

One lone little musebunny hopped out from under the couch and sat on my head for a little, long enough for me to write a page of something that's not really relevant to anything. At least I wrote. I would write everyday if I really had the capacity to. It would all be drivel and floof but I’d still write. Might be the obsessively dark love poetry from years ago, or yet another beginning of a story that I’ll never finish…But I’m happy to have written.

I woke up in a state of complete and total lack of focus. Mentally and physically. My eyes wouldn’t focus enough for me to read, and even when they did I couldn’t digest the words. Cobwebs and labyrinths, they are in my eyes; too fine to hold, too hard to comprehend.

Despite this lack of concentration I’ve gotten loads done today. I unloaded the dishwasher, rinsed the dirty dishes, and tossed them in. I folded some towels that needed to be folded, I’m halfway through painting my nails black. Well, more like, 3/4th of the way. My right hand needs a second coat, it’s always the hardest one, me being right handed.

On top of all this, I spend 30 minutes on the treadmill. I was completely intending to only spend 20, but it was just easy enough to go to 30 today. I walked just over a mile.

Although, I’m afraid I might be a little manic. I can’t tell. I have an odd feeling in my chest, my heart seems to be beating too fast, and the ativan I took didn’t make that go away. I have a lot to say, I feel good, I feel satisfied, yet I can’t concentrate hard enough to read a news story or a page of a book…I’m not entirely sure if I just feel good, or I might be slipping into hypomania. I don’t know if I’ve ever had hypomania before. I do recall feeling really good, and having my mom tell me to calm down because I’m just talking too much.

C’est la vie! If this continues, and becomes uncomfortable, I'll talk to my pdoc next month.

But why are the musebunnies gone?!

2006-07-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

Waking up to cat vomit is a sure sign that the day is not going to well. On top of that, it’s a fuckin’ worthless holiday too. I hate holidays, in general, for the same reason I hate weekends. They take my stable weekday television programming from me. I’m watching a marathon of “Dirty Jobs” now, and I guess it’s ok.

After two days of missing in action Kinny showed up at 3:00pm today (noon in California where she lives). Turns out she overdid things and ended up pretty much sleeping two days straight. Now I feel bad about whining about her being gone. If I hadn’t had her up all night roleplaying she probably wouldn’t be so tired. Oh well. Ah, she just disappeared. Ah, depression. No roleplaying today I assume. I’m an addict; I need my fix. I’ve done my best to assure her that it’s all right, and not only do I not mind but I’m glad that she’s feeling better. I am, glad that she’s feeling better that is, but if I had my way we’d roleplay everyday, for hours and hours. Edit: I actually apologized to her, saying I’m sorry if I’d been keeping you up when you needed to sleep, but it turns out she really looks forward to RP time as winding down before bed. So is it the bipolar or the ovaries that make me worry about shit like that?

Kinny and I have a strange relationship. I’ve known her for longer than three years, easily, but I know very little about her. We don’t talk much. All the “talking” we do is in the guise of our characters. I attempt to make an effort, but she doesn’t really. If I ask her about her life, the conversation sort of dies a little; kind of sad for one of my oldest friends. “What’s this strange relationship that we hold on to?”

I fell asleep with inspiration in my head, and when I’d woken up the musebunnies had disappeared. I’m going to leave small offerings of chocolate around the house and see if they take the bait…then I’m going to krazy glue them to the table and suck them dry. So far they’ve only given me crumbs. “Alabaster and onyx, amethyst and blush…” it’s beautiful, but it’s nothing! I could describe the WORLD but I couldn’t make it DO anything. Writer’s block is hell, if there’s anything more frustrating to a creative mind, I don’t want to know it.

Haiiro’s courting the tiger plush again, gross. Cats have no concept of privacy or shame, and obviously neutering them doesn’t help with it at all. The weirdest part about this is not that he’s fixed, but that he mounts the damn thing backwards, humping its head. Poor stuffed animal, and to think I used to sleep with that in my bed, gross.

Ah well.

A kiss, reflection, and some things that DIDN'T happen in my roleplay with Kinny.

2006-07-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

     Her shy inhibitions and noble sensibilities deadened by the rum, Mina makes a bold decision that clarifies all of the uneasy fluttering in her heart. The young, inexperienced noble waif kisses the pirate, surprising both of them with how forward she suddenly is.  It’s one of those fairy tale moments that everyone dreams about, the world disappears and Mina’s mind says “Ah! Of course! So THIS is love.”
     But alas, the moment is short-lived as Mina’s head spins out of control and she lets her hormones get the best of her. In a moment of uncharacteristic chivalry, Jack plays the gentleman and stops Mina before she makes a decision that she’s not ready for.
     In separate cabins the moment sinks in, in different ways. Mina looks at her life with a newfound clarity, even though falling in love with a pirate is the most foolish thing she could possibly do, she is at peace, if only for the time being. She sleeps while Jack battles personal demons with rum.
Still hung up on Elizabeth he can’t bring himself use Mina as a simple substitution to clear his head for a night. In love with an unattainable woman, and beginning to care for this mere girl who he had intended to collect a ransom for, he drinks himself to sleep, only to be awoken by uncomfortable dreams. He spends the entire day in his cabin, avoiding this little noble jewel that claims with sincerity in those haunting amethyst eyes that she would have done what she had done, even without the help of the drink.
It's like a soap opera, I know, but it's a fantastic waste of time and it's an outlet for my sometimes-stunted creativity. I love nothing better than developing my characters without having to worry about plotlines, or wondering when the muse-bunnies will run away and hide under the refrigerator. I can always roleplay. But the current melodramatic soap opera feel makes me laugh. “What will happen next!? Will Jack realize that Mina is a jewel more precious than gold? Will Mina realize that in the end, it really WAS the rum talking?! Tune in next time…”

I crack myself up.

So yesterday I went to the pdoc, same old same old, I told him about the apathetic and blah feelings I was having, but either he wasn’t worried, or I didn’t explain myself well enough because in the end I left with the same prescription as last month. I have a feeling that the bout of apathetic depression might have been related to my monthly cycle, and vow to pay closer attention next month when it hits.
I have discovered the secret to cooking perfect tofu, and I’m a VERY happy woman because of it. It turns out that freezing the block of bean curd, then thawing it, completely changes the texture, making it firmer, denser, and more “meaty”. I could easily eat this tofu every day for the rest of my life, and I’m not even vegan, much less vegetarian!
After the pdoc mom and I both had a gyro at a Coney Restaurant near the doctor’s office, we stopped at Kroger for Tofu, Yogurt, and Black Licorice, (all major food groups!). I sat around for a while, and then Kinny came online and roleplaying ensued.

I’ve got the oddest situation with my cat Haiiro right now. There’s a large stuffed tiger lying in the living room, it’s their toy, and they snuggle with it, milk-tread on it, and sleep near it. Well, Haiiro has…begun pursuing a more romantic relationship with the plushie tiger. Twice in the past week I’ve caught him on top of it, humping away. Now both of my kitties are fixed, but that hasn’t seemed deter either of them from engaging in sexual escapades. Although, Kage usually humps HAIIRO, instead of an inanimate objects…I’m embarrassed for him, but in the same breath I just have to tell EVERYONE because it’s frickin’ hilarious.

Have I ever mentioned I hate weekends? It doesn’t make much sense to most people but the weekdays seem to have more…stability to them. Television always sucks on weekends, sometimes there’s a good marathon of Mythbusters or Ghost Hunters, but meh. Meh I say! I really need to get myself a hobby that’s not dependant on Kinny or Tricia being online. I might finish up reading “The Vampire Lestat” today at least, maybe pick up “The Stolen Child” or “Parasite Eve”, both books I got for my birthday but haven’t as much as cracked open yet. I’m too restless to JUST watch TV, it’s a welcome break from the silence, but I can’t just sit in front of it. Maybe I’ll walk out this extra energy after I finish my tofu to make my belly stop whining at me. If all goes well, I’ll catch a musebunny somewhere around the house and do a little writing, so I’m not completely useless, waiting around for Kinny to get online, which she may or may not do.

P.S. “Musebunny” Definition: A rare and exotic creature of incredible fluffiness, which bestows its owner with unlimited creativity and inspiration. Unfortunately these useful little creatures are shy, often hiding in dark places such as underneath couches and refrigerators. They are known to show up only in the most inconvenient times, such as car rides and showers, because of their love for moving vehicles and water. Those attempting to catch a musebunny will usually find themselves disappointed and worn out from the chase. Though similar, they are not to be confused with their close cousins, the plotbunnies.

Pirates go with everything, even tofu!

2006-06-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

Ahh, naiveté and the way difference people display it is grand.

Jack is reminded of Elizabeth, in Mina’s intelligence, beauty and headstrong attitude that lead her to the decisions she makes. Watching her, and being near her, he sees history repeating itself and sees himself left alone. His shipmates already recognize that he has claimed Mina for his own; they see in his eyes and behavior what she cannot.

Mina, young and inexperienced, is unaware of what the feelings in chest mean. The flutter of her heart, the painful tug when she thinks about her real home, the man in France she is betrothed to. Mina has no idea that the seeds of love were planted when she first sat in the cabin with the pirate, when she let down her defenses and let him in.

Love is grand, even imaginary love!

I’ve always been in love with CHARACTERS as opposed to people. I suppose to even things out in the end I’ll just need to find a person who’s a real character in their own right. But as it stands right now I am content to daydream and have no real lover. So much safer, so much easier, at least that’s how I feel. I’m sure those who have been married for 20 years would tell me I don’t know what I’m missing. But I’ll be a bachelorette for a while longer thank you, and enjoy being without the stress that a relationship can put on you.

I didn’t walk on the treadmill yesterday, I’m not sure if I’m lazy or just headstrong. I pass by the treadmill every time I’m in the kitchen and I just go “Nuuuuu” and walk back into the living room. So, yesterday Kinny and I roleplayed for a while, until all of a sudden her friends dropped by and she had to leave, to go do whatever people with large groups of friends do when they drop by. Damn her social life and my lack of one! No, I don’t mind really, it’d be very selfish of me to want her to be online at my beck and call for roleplaying any time I possibly could want it. Gets boring after a while too, half the fun is the waiting, the fantasizing about what they might say next.

Woke up at 2 today, right on schedule, but mom tells me that tomorrow we have a pdoc appointment at 1:40pm. It’s at least 40 minutes away, and we have to visit my dad before to get the money for the doc…

Holy crap, my upstairs neighbors are being really loud, stomping around, dropping things, making my cats look upstairs with that curious, ears back, wtf look on their face.

Well, all of that aside, today I’ve decided I’m going to focus on at least doing ONE thing. I’m going to have a good meal, BBQ tofu and Asparagus. No putting it off, no lazing around until Kinny gets online. I’ve got food to cook and by god I’m going to cook it. In fact, I’m going to go drain the tofu now!

A picture and a some rambling.

2006-06-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

It’s times like this when I wish I could draw. It’s unfair that I can imagine and picture these things so realistically that I could TOUCH them, but when I bring the pen to paper all that comes out in childish scribbling.

Picture, if you can, my Mina Orcot. Alabaster goddess, tall and shapely, with eyes of the richest amethyst, her waist-length inky black hair wrapped into a messy and hurried braid; she’s wearing non-descript clothing, a pair of brown trousers, and an ill-fitting white, mans shirt, no shoes on her feet. Picture her sitting against the wall on a small prison style bed, in the cabin of a ship, resting her back against the wooden wall, her knees at her chest. Next to her is the tanned and ragged pirate, half-drunk and warm, a bottle in his hand, his head against the wall next to her. Watch him sling his arm around her friendlily, and see the momentary indecision in her eyes before she rests her weary head on his shoulder, those jewel-toned eyes slipping closed as her companion rests his chin on her head with a gentleness that betrays his exterior…

This, more or less, is a scene that took place in my roleplay with Kinny last night, and when I close my eyes I can SEE it, I can see the look of weary comfort on her face, the sheer differences in their clothing and features, looking charmingly mismatched but somehow oh so right in the dull light of the cabin.

I would draw this if I could, and it would look exactly the way it looks in my mind. But oh well, I can merely picture it in my mind’s eye and say, “yes, exactly like that.”

Needless to say I’m fantastically obsessed with Jack Sparrow right now. I blame the media, commercials, hype, and breakfast cereal, Johnny Depp’s face plastered on something around every corner. It’s saturation! I’ve always had obsessions with characters, singers, actors, etc; they’ve never hampered my life in the least, and this one isn’t either, but the pure saturation of my object of obsessive affection is driving me crazy. This is going to lead to sexual frustration; I can just see it now. Thank god for plastic and re-chargeable batteries yes?

Anyway, yesterday Kinny showed up early and we had a serious RP session, thank the gods because I was getting ready to hunt her down and nail her to her chair. I did the dishes, another thank god, they were conspiring to take over the kitchen and I just couldn’t have that. But other than burning DVDs to free up space on my laptop, roleplaying, and watching television I really didn’t do all that much yesterday. The dishes were an accomplishment, and I felt GOOD all day. Lots of laughing and smiling, especially after Tricia got online and we started talking about how silly Yomi is, how every little Indies vocalist is trying to be Kyo, and how terrible Antique Café’s videos are. I got to sleep around 5am, nice and regularly for me, and woke up today at 1:45. 8 hours and 45 minutes, god it feels good not to sleep for 10-12 hours a day.
I think that the emptiness and apathy I’ve been feeling lately might have been cycle-related. I’m feel so GOOD today, and it’s not mania either. I’m calm and happy.

Mom showed up a little after I woke up and we headed out to Bob Evens for a deliciously cheap breakfast/lunch. I had Strawberry Banana Crepes and completely cleaned my plate. Mom had chicken and noodles and we got out of there spending less than 10 dollars for a nice filling meal. It’s the little things like that, that make a life happy and fulfilled, I think.

Afterwards we went to the grocery store, which was far too entertaining for just being a grocery store. It’s always good for me to get out of the house, and the only things my mom and I ever really do together are go to doctors and go to the grocery store, so I’ve gotta try to make the best out of things. I didn’t really need any groceries but I bought some gummy worms, some low fat ice cream, and some carrots, to give my mom the illusion that I’m actually eating healthy and not planning on having ice cream with gummy worms in it for dinner. God that sounds good.

Actually health wise I’m doing well. I’m planning on making BBQ tofu tonight for dinner. How do you make BBQ tofu you ask? Uh…we’ll just have to see! :D Actually I’m going to fry up the tofu (in a pan with a light coating of olive oil) after draining it, and putting it in a marinade. Then, I’ll add BBQ sauce, just like a stir-fry. Ingenious I tell you!

My weight is a little heavier than I wanted it to be lately, I put on a little weight and bumped myself up to 232, but it’s slowly dropping and planning on doing some walking today as soon as the Flexeril kicks in, I already walked around the grocery store, so 15 minutes at 2 miles an hour should get my heart rate up pretty well. I really got to start slow, when I try to over-exert myself and walk a mile after not doing it for a while, I end up in serious pain the next day, and in the end it’s just not productive.

I’ve babbled enough today.

A Day Without Rain

2006-06-26T14:51:00.001-07:00

It’s kind of dreary out today, looks like rain. It’d be nice if it rained; I think my Hibiscus likes the rainwater better than tap water. It’s always blooming up a storm after it rains. Plus it’s muggy today, not that muggy in Michigan is a new or novel concept, but rain would be nice; wash away the muggy, wash away the heat, give reason for the mucky dreary sky.

I’m really glad my pdoc cut me down to 100mg of Seroquel. My sleeping patterns have never been so steady. I consistently go to bed between 2 and 4am, and consistently wake up around 1-2pm. For a lot of people this might not be the ideal schedule, but it’s perfect for me. My mom is getting use to it, she’s finally resigned herself to the idea that I will never be awake at 9 in the morning to do things with her.

When I woke up today, at 12:45pm, my mom was waiting in the living room. Apparently she didn’t want to sit around the house at home, so she came over here to sit around while I was asleep. At least she didn’t wake me. I woke, I got dressed, and we made our way to Meijers to buy groceries. My mom, being the genius that she is, hadn’t eaten yet at 12:45, even though she’d been up since 8 or so.

So we stopped at Burger King first, even though she insisted she wasn’t hungry. I don’t know if she’s hungry or not, I’m not walking through a grocery store with my mom on an empty stomach. We have very different shopping styles, she goes in there military-like with itemized list, which has every single item lumped together depending on where it is in the store. If her items are not there, she gets angry, if there are too many people in the store she gets angry, if I’m taking too long (which is very likely, to her at least) she gets angry.

I, on the other hand, meander around the store patiently looking at every item that I could possibly be interested in. I never bring a list, but I rarely ever forget what I’ve come to the store looking for. Two things I needed for sure were Balsamic Vinegar and Vegetable Broth, and sure enough, when I came to that aisle, I quickly remembered it. Grocery shopping is a tactile experience! You have to squish the fruit and pick up the boxes to see how heavy they are. But that’s just me.

We got 50 food stamp dollars worth of food, all very healthy and tasty looking stuff. I’ve eaten a Luna Bar, and leftover chicken fried rice (not the type from a restaurant mind you, I made it myself, from a bag :D) and have drunk a bottle of water. I’ve got all this lovely tasty low-calorie, low-fat food, and all I want is a bar of Hershey’s chocolate! How do you do it? How can you train yourself to be satisfied with fruits and healthy snacks, when every nerve in your body is craving for a little bit of chocolate.

Granted I know that eating a little chocolate won’t be the death of me, I even have some of these. 60 calories for the perfect taste of dark chocolate; but I’m not certain it would satisfy me. I ate a lot of junk food when I was a child, and though I reformed, I’m slowly slipping back into my old ways, and I don’t like it. Sweets are lovely and good but I sometimes wish I had no taste buds so wouldn’t be tempted by triple chocolate cake.

Other than inexplicably normal cravings for sweets and junky foods, things seem fine. I’m bored, but that’s nothing new. I could read, but I’d rather not. I could play a video game, but again, I haven’t the drive. Ideally, Kinny would get online right now, and we could roleplay for a long while. It’s been a while since I really indulged myself in a good RP, and since Kinny has been such an absolute doll to play my current object of affection for me, I’m craving her presence all the more.

Hmm, so much talk about nothing...ah! It's raning now...

A line to remember...

2006-06-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

"I could teach you many things and more if you wanted. I could show you how to be a pirate, but you would never be tried as one. I would steal you away."

I don't care if our roleplays play out like crap romance novels. I thought that was sweet.

Overproductive.

2006-06-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Time goes by and things move on and I go from writing no blog entries to several a day.

Just a few things to say this time.

Kage has been an absolute doll today, I gave him a new shakey mousie after he tore the feather tail off of the one he’s been working on, and he has been carrying it around in his mouth here and there, like it was his baby. I keep hearing it rattle when he goes tearing around the house.

I talked to Tricia, yes, the same Tricia I was badmouthing in the previous post, and she told me that she’s made a final decision on something we’ve been talking on an off about. When I get my SSDI, after I can get a new place away from my parents, she is going to get dual citizenship and move to Michigan with me. I love her to death. She has been my friend for over 5 years now, through mania and depression, through verbal abuse and guilt trips, through jealousy and bitterness and she’s stayed by my side the entire time. She’s no saint; we’ve torn at each other like rabid dogs on days when we were both angry, but in the end all we really did was help each other get that anger out. We may not be the perfect match, but I really don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t know she was there for me, and I know she feels the same way.

I feel loved. I feel warm and squishy and soft like fresh baked bread.

2006-06-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

So the storm has passed, as it may be.

The really shitty part of my period is usually the first two days, maybe three, where I am in constant, unbearable pain. Mortrin 800, originally prescribed for my back pain, helps. Heat also helps, and I wear these neat little disposable “one use only” heated pads that you stick to the inside of your undies.

So far I’ve been productive. I fed the birds, showered, watered the hibiscus, and had waffles, mango, and rice cakes for breakfast. I could probably do without the rice cakes, but I’ve got a voracious appetite today. I rarely eat on those first two days, most foods nauseate me on sight.

I finally corralled my friend Kinny for a good 5 hours of roleplaying last night. (I stapled her to the chair, hehe!). I’m so bored lately, and so apathetic about doing things, that roleplaying is the only thing I’m really looking forward to. I post on message boards, I watch television and listen to my music, but I’m really enjoying the RP time. Because of my general dislike and unwillingness to meet new people, especially in fan related communities, I only have two people that I roleplay with anymore. Kinny is around a lot, but has odd emergencies and things that take her away from the PC. Tricia finally got her computer fixed, but her new boyfriend still remains more important than me.

Example: Her PC has been broken for over a month, she has talked to me at least 20 minutes throughout this whole time. She has called her boyfriend everyday. The day her PC gets fixed, she chats with me for about an hour until it’s time to call her boyfriend. Some best friend eh? Calling the boyfriend still has priority over talking to the best friend, even though it’s been a month since she’s done so. I’m bitter, but I have every right to be. Lust (not love, she’s never even met this guy face to face) does really stupid things to people.

So it’s 4:24pm, I’ve been up for two hours, and my day is complete. I have nothing else to do other than eat my other meals, chat with people on the internet, and talk with my mother on the phone. Speaking of, Rick wanted to know if you can sell houses on eBay. He’s an idiot. What are they planning on selling the house? Where are they, and my aunt and uncle who live in the basement (fully furnished) planning on living? What the hell do they have in mind wanting to sell the house when they’re planning on moving me back into it this October? Maybe that’s not why he wanted to know, but I have a strong feeling that it is. He’s got this great idea that we’re going to built a house, with two levels, with enough room for me, them, and grandma and grandpa. He’s an idiot, a complete and utter idiot. Our family has lived in that ranch for 21 years. We own it outright. Where the hell does he even THINK that building a new house at this point in time is a good idea? Especially with the money problems we’re having now. Creditors and credit companies are calling so often that when my mom’s landline got turned off they just left it that way. I just cannot begin to fathom why Rick thinks this is a good idea, or why my mom would be willing to go along with him.

I guess love does stupid things to you too. For my sanity, and my intelligence, I hope I never fall in love again.

Me: In Review

2006-06-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

Let’s start from the beginning about what’s going on with me lately.
First and foremost; it has been decided that I am moving back in with my mother and stepfather in October. The cost of keeping me in an apartment is so great that my mother is forty thousand dollars in debt, and my father is not going to let that happen to him as well. The money is gone, I do not have Medicaid, the only thing I really do have is the food stamps, 156 dollars worth of food a month.

I do not want to move back into my mother’s house. I don’t like the house; I don’t like being around her consistently. I love my mother, there is no disputing that, but I can really only take her in small doses.

My old room was converted into my stepfather’s room. It’s been painted blue and fitted with hardwood flooring. The blue paint I can deal with, but I don’t like hardwood flooring in any room other than the kitchen. I’ll have to have rugs. All of my things will be going in storage except for what will fit into my old room. Television, video games, laptop, and several bookshelves…some of my kitchen items will fit in my mom’s kitchen, and the rest will go into storage. I’ll keep my teas and other heat-able drinks in my bedroom. I’ll have a twin bed, so I will have more room in my bedroom. Both cats and both gerbils, providing they survive, will also be coming with me.

It doesn’t seem so bad from the outside, and, in the end, I’ve pretty much given up fighting against it. But it just makes me sad. I’ve spent three years living in apartments, and I’ve relished the freedom. My sleeping patterns are not normal, because I choose to stay up late. Currently I’m going to bed around 3-4 in the morning, and waking up between 12:45 and 2pm in the afternoon. It’s stable enough; I’m sleeping 9 hours as opposed to 10, 12, or 14. Maybe I’m being childish; maybe I’m being selfish. I’m not happy that my mom has lost all this money, and that we’re living on the poverty range right now, but I don’t want things to change; even if it’s only for a short period of time. I don’t want to move back home. I was never happy there; I was never comfortable there.

Secondly: My moods are acting up. I’m somewhat fatigued, somewhat depressed, pretty EMPTY generally. Apathetic? I haven’t been doing much, haven’t had the motivation for it. I’ve watched TV, read websites, played video games, even cooked a little, but that’s about it.

Lexa came over and we watched movies together a while ago. We watched “Hook”, “Pirates of the Caribbean”, “Casanova”, “The Brothers Grimm”, and “Muppet Treasure Island”. We had Hawaiian Barbeque Pizza and Strawberry Pie. It was fun, it always is, and I did my best to call her by her new name. (Lexa used to be Rosi, she changed her first, middle, and last name sometime a couple years ago.) I’ve been really reluctant to call her by her new name, because I think she changed it for silly reasons, and because, simply, I’ve always known her as Rosi. But, she is one of my best friends, and I should respect her decision.

I finally got to talk to Tricia again, which I really needed. I’ve missed her so much while her PC wasn’t working. All is well in Tricia-land (a.k.a.) Canada, and she’s happy to see me too.

Lastly: I’m on my period. And I hate it. I’m drained, bleeding, and the very epitome of the word “BLEH”

The very definition of bleh.

2006-06-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

I really do want to write more often, but every time I try I stare at the blank screen in front of me completely uninspired. I could write about my day, but what is there to really write about. I did laundry, I did dishes, I cooked, I ate, and I slept.

Bleh.

I tried.

June 05's Post.

2006-06-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is 6/6/06, and of course there’s an unneeded amount of hype about it. The classic horror movie “The Omen” has been remade, and is being released. Hell Michigan is having a special 666 themed party, which I actually find kind of cute. But the only significance that this day holds for me is it’s my father’s birthday. I definitely have to call him and send him some good wishes.

I’ve stopped playing Ragnarok Online, because our server was having problems. The rest of the guild moved to a different server, so I’m finished playing. Not only do I not feel like restarting from scratch, but I’m more productive when I’m not spending hours on an MMORPG. When I get a new PC, and rejoin Everquest, I’ll limit myself to 2-3 hours a day, rather than wasting 6-8 hours on a video game. Besides, I have dozens and dozens of console games that I’ve been neglecting. I’m pretty close to finishing Suikoden V again, this time with all 108 stars of destiny. I figure I’ll start with Suikoden I next, and play through the series, as the chronological order is actually V – I – II – III – IV.

I’ve cooked a few nice meals recently, including Tofu Apple-Veggie stir-fry, and Whole Wheat Spaghetti with Green Pepper and Mushroom Sauce a la Ragu. Two things to remember for next time.

1: Skin the apples before adding them.
2: Cook the whole wheat pasta for longer than 9 minutes. Don’t trust test noodles.

I am ever so irritated with my mother today. She arrived at 11am, waking me up to ask me where her pills were. Unfortunately, the pills were in her purse and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve only been awake for 10 hours or so, and most of it has been lying down on the couch trying to sleep. I’m still deliriously tired and probably going to pass out an hour or so after posting this…

Overdue

2006-06-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

Every time I have a blog or a journal I write furiously for a few weeks, even a couple of months, then neglect it completely. Good to see that my habits haven’t changed much as I’ve gotten older.

The 30th was my 22nd birthday. Very little happened. My mom picked me up, and we went to get the tail light on my car changed, very exciting, a very fancy thing to do on ones birthday. This put me in an off mood. My mom’s had my car for weeks and she didn’t bother to take it up to the oil change place until my birthday.

We bought a cake at Bueches, a “Chocolate Chocolate Cheesecake Cake” which was very delicious and has effectively raised my weight by 5 pounds or so. Then after a bit of arguing my mom took me home. I was going to see grandma and grandpa and get my gift from them, but they went off to the doctors before I even arrived to my mom’s house.

The day after my birthday I had an appointment for a pulmonary functions test and some X-Rays at St. Joseph Hospital. We get inside, finally get where we’re supposed to be, and the first thing that happens is a woman comes on the loudspeaker for the “morning scripture”. I thanked god (heh) that I had brought my iPod and headphones and blasted deadman until that was over. It felt very uncomfortable to be a hospital, listening to somebody recite from the bible. I tried to think if it was illegal, as in the separation of church and state, but it IS a hospital named after a saint, not a state building. Still it’s uncomfortable and pretty upsetting to have scripture shoved down your throat. I wonder when the powers that be decided that this country was going to be a Christian one. I know it wasn’t the intentions of the founders…meh.

During the pulmonary test I was given a drug called Albuterol through a nebulizer, which gave me severe tremors. Other than that the test wasn’t hard or uncomfortable, other than the fact that the shaking made me feel that I was starting to have a panic attack. It didn’t go away until after the X-Rays and after the Arby’s for lunch. We stopped at Meijer for a few things, including some extra-special mousies for Kage. He really likes them.

Tomorrow is my monthly appointment with Singhal, and we’re also going to Noble Fish as an extension of my birthday, I’ll hopefully be getting money from my dad and his parents, getting my present from my Grandparents, (They got me a birdhouse, but I’m not supposed to know that yet, I have to practice acting surprised.) Also we’ll be going to best buy to pick up a new network card and HOPEFULLY a couple of video games, depending on the kind of money I get from my dad. Hopefully I’ll get about 200, 100 for a massaging pad for my couch to ease the pain in my back a little bit, and 100 for video games. I want so much stuff…

At the end of my Noose

2006-05-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

I think I’m going crazy because I increasingly feel like the only sane person around.

My grandmother is strung out on pain pills, while my mom takes handfuls of ativan to stay numb, and that’s on top of the whole family being addicted to marijuana for over 20 years.

Today my mom delivered an ultimatum. “Get a job, or move home in 5 months when your lease is up.”

What the hell good is my getting a job going to do? I’ve never worked more than 20 hours a week, for nothing more than 8 dollars an hour. Never mind the constant physical pain and the mental turmoil, I should force myself to work a minimum wage job to try and scrap together 200 dollars a month to help with the bills.

I was denied for Medicaid and Emergency Monetary Assistance, my food stamps run out on May 8th, and I’ve been denied twice for Social Security. I’m running out of reasons to see the point in going on. I seriously feel that the only way Social Security is going to take my case seriously is if I make a suicide attempt that puts me into the hospital, if I die, then that’s just one less thing for my mom to worry about.

My grandfather and stepfather seem to think that I’m some sort of genius that could make millions of dollars working on computers or selling real estate. They don’t get that before I dropped out of high school the only subject I was good at was English. They don’t get that seven years of shoveling anti-depressants and anti-psychotics into my system has left my brain a foggy mushy haze. I can’t remember the simplest things, phone numbers, addresses, birthdays. I’ve had a friend for over 5 years, and I’ll never remember her birthday, hell, I can’t even remember what month it’s in. I can’t remember directions, I’m constantly lost in the car, hell, I even have trouble with left and right. I had to leave my last job because I forgot a simple instruction that was apparently given to me earlier that year. I have no recollection of ever being told what I was told before.

I feel like I’m being crushed by the weight of bad omens. I cannot move back home, I felt like a prisoner who would do anything to escape, it was hell; I cannot go back, it’s not an option. My moods have only stabilized since I’ve gotten away from my family, I was miserable, irritable, and stuck in a deep, heavy depression the entire time I was there. I would rather die. I would rather kill myself.

As for working…I am in constant pain, I suppose if I could get a job in data entry or something simple like that, it would be ok…but I don’t even know how to find a job. I’ve always worked retail, McDonalds, video game stores, computer stores, comic book stores.

I can’t take any stress now. I feel like I’ll snap into two. I yelled at my mom today, but she deserved it. After making me give her all of my ativan for 6 months, she lies to the doctor and says she’s been taking a little more than usual. Bull. She’s been popping 5 or 6 a day sometimes. In fact, once, she went through all 30 of mine in a week. She blackmailed and bribed me to hand them over, or else I wouldn’t have. So what happens? The doctor prescribes her more. I can’t be responsible for her.

This is the beginning of the end. I can feel it.

Ragnarok Online ate my brain, and all unrelated thought processes.

2006-04-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I don’t have a good reason for not writing any entries, other than I started playing Ragnarok Online, and let myself get obsessed. I neglected housework, exercise, diet, friends, and even music and my favorite TV shows for RO.

It’s clear what I have to do. I need to start walking every day again, start doing more around the house, and stop prioritizing a game. Because not only have I neglected these things, my mood has drastically changed.

I’ve been angry, seething, irritable, aggravated, and just generally pissed off, I’ve wanted to scream, tear things apart, throw the cell phone against the damn wall so I don’t have to answer it and talk to my mom ever 3 hours or so. She’s driving me crazy, I don’t want to have to take care of her, and control when she gets her medications, but she can’t be trusted with even 2 weeks worth of it anymore. Too much stress and pressure on me to take care of her like this. She’s only 42, she shouldn’t need me to take care of her like she’s a child. I don’t WANT to take care of her this way.

Silent Hill: The Movie, In Review.

2006-04-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

It is going to be hard for the majority of people to like this film if they are not a fan of the games. However, if you are a fan of Silent Hill, and the mythology and horror that surround it, you will be pleased.

Now, if you do play the games, here are a few things that will thrill you. Nearly all the music in the movie is taken directly off of the Silent Hill game soundtracks. In the car on the way to Silent Hill, you hear a song that is played in the third game while the main character is in a car.

The structural similarities to the movie Silent Hill, and the game Silent Hill, will make any gamer squeal with delight. You ARE in the same Silent Hill of the game. Nearly all the shops on the main street are the same, the street names are the same, if you close your eyes for a moment, you can remember running through certain areas in the first game as Harry Mason (my biggest problem was the fact they felt they needed to replace the father with a mother as the main character. Unneeded change.). The main road, the school, the hospital, the hotel, all look like carbon copies of the locations in the game. Silent Hill fans will feel at home.

The plotline does not directly follow the first Silent Hill game, you see characters, monsters, and situations that either happen in later games, or don’t happen at all. But personally, it would be rather boring for me if it followed the game DIRECTLY, as I already know the ending. In the very beginning, when Rose first enters Silent Hill, she follows the exact path of Harry Mason in the first game. The wheel chair is there, the crucified corpse is there, the small child monsters are there. Later on in the game however, especially after the appearance of Pyramid Head (who did not originally appear until the sequel to Silent Hill), it runs off the beaten path. However, the core mythology, creepiness, and general VIBE of Silent Hill is always there.

The CGI really stands out in this movie, as Silent Hill seamlessly transforms from a misty deserted town to the very pits of hell. Pyramid Head is gruesome and terrible, the Nurse Monsters move with a horrific jerking, you can hear the popping and grinding of bones as they do. And as the “evil” Silent Hill dissolves back into the “good”, instead of just waking up in the right place, the walls slowly rebuild themselves from the ashes of the horror that dissolved in front of you only seconds before.

In the end, video game movies are known for being horrible, and will always get horrible reviews from those who don’t appreciate them for what they are, an ADAPTATION of something else.

I think Silent Hill fans will really enjoy this movie, others might feel left out of all the inside secrets and parallels. But as an adaptation of a video game into a movie, this is one of the better ones,

Novelty Cereals Suck.

2006-03-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

I popped open the “Pirates of the Caribbean” cereal and gave it a try.

It’s basically Coco Puffs with tiny little Jolly Roger, sword, ship, pirate hat, and ships wheels marshmallows. It seems to be sweeter than Coco puffs, and not as well matched with the marshmallows as say, Count Chocula is. It’s INCREDIBLY sweet, this coming from a person who likes Lucky Charms and Count Chocula…

I definitely won’t be buying another box, but I’ll be keeping the one I have for prosperities sake…

Wanna sleep for a thousand years...

2006-03-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

There are serious flaws in the human body, I think.

I should have started my period already. It’s been at the very least, 32 days since my last cycle. I’ve had cramps the past three days, I spotted once, but it really should have happened.

I’ve been sort of moody and upset since March 14th, when I decided that I needed to start dating. I’ve e-mailed at least 10 people from yahoo personals, and gothic personals, and only one of them has responded to me. This has not had a good effect on my self-esteem. The responder, of course, was Shaun, but a few days ago I found that he had met another girl on the same day that he had met me, and he’s been spending hours talking to her on internet phone.

I’m disappointed. I was really looking forward to meeting Shaun, and perhaps starting to date him, but now all I can think is that the other girl obviously has more in common with him, and he’s going to start a relationship with her instead. On top of the fact that none of the other people I e-mailed even bothered to give him a courtesy response of “No thank you” or “I’m not interested”, I’m a little bitter.

I’m not going to give up mind you, if he asks me out, I’ll go out with him, but my self-image, self-esteem, and subconscious isn’t giving me much of a hopeful outlook.

Two decent things have happened because of a slightly elevated mood in the past few days though. I tried out a new shampoo and conditioner in the anticipation of a date, and I’m very pleased with the way it makes my hair look and feel. Secondly, I’ve been cooking more, and I’ve discovered exactly how much I like to cook with tofu. I’ve made 2 stir-fries in the past week or so, and I bought more tofu and veggies to make a third, as well as a block of tofu for “Marinated Tofu Cutlets”, a recipe I found at www.vegweb.com.

I haven’t exercised in the past two days, in anticipation of my period, and I’m frustrated. Though I must be bloated by now, my weight is staying steady. I’m not gaining. I have high hopes that when I finish my period, I’ll be 225 or under.

I went over an old journal of mine and found some important (at least to me) information.

Haiiro joined my family on September 16th, and Kage joined on April 27th. So now I know what days to celebrate their birthdays on.

Rachel was sweet and bought me a subscription to “The Puzzle Society” which gives me access to several thousand crossword puzzles. I like crossword puzzles, it might be a waste of time like anything else done online, but at least I learn trivia while I’m doing them.

So yesterday, my mom and I went out to do some errands. We went to Kroger to return 10 dollars worth of bottles, went to Big Lots to pick up a few things, even though I hate those kind of scummy stores, I did get a replacement razor for 2 dollars. For some reason I threw away the razor handle for my Venus, I still have a whole box of refills though. After that we went to Detroit Edison for my mom to pay her electric bill, then Meijer for groceries. I had a decent time grocery shopping, got a good amount of food, and all the ingredients for the Tofu cutlet recipe that I want to try out. I also bought a box of “Pirates of the Caribbean” cereal, because I was completely enamored with the pictures of Johnny Depp plastered on the box.

I fell asleep at around…2:30 to 3:00pm yesterday, after the grocery shopping and such, and woke up at midnight or so, then decided I didn’t want to be awake. I forced myself back to sleep, on and off, until around 3am. I had odd dreams about school, and a really creepy situation.

I could have SWORN that I took the water bottle away from my gerbils before I went to sleep, because they were banging it against the edge of the cage and keeping me up, but when I woke up, it was still in their cage. I’m a little uneasy about the fact that I either imagined taking it out, or put it back in without my knowing it.

So, that’s all there is to it. Today I ought to do some laundry, make a loaf of banana bread, and do the dishes. It’d also be fantastic if I could FUCKING START MY PERIOD…but my body hates me, so I’m sure it’ll drag out until the end of the month.

Dead and Gone

2006-03-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

I’m a mess.
I’m an ugly, tangled, ragged ball of nerves and synapses.
I’m never going to be good enough for someone else until I can be good enough for myself. And I’m never going to be good enough for myself.

And the worst part about this is…

There are so many people out there more fucked up than me. There are so many people out there that have gone through worse, that have worse problems, that have had worse happen to them. I hate it.

I have a mother that loves me, friends that love me, and sometimes it just feels like the only thing that matters is the voice in my head and the way I see myself in the mirror.

I wish I’d just start my goddamned period already. Fuck.

This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters

2006-03-19T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a decent day, I did laundry, dishes, made tofu stir-fry (which was great except for the fact that I seemed to undercook the tofu a little), walked a mile and a half, and got a few things at the grocery store (water, rice cakes, shampoo, conditioner, finishing spray, and deodorant).

Where has this burst of energy and motivation come from? I’d like to think it’s from meeting a new friend, and the prospect of dating once again, but in actuality, I’m more terrified of what could go wrong, than I am looking forward to what could go right. If I’ve been fantasizing, I’ve been fantasizing about everything I could do and say wrong, and what a disaster it could be.

I’m also going over the mental checklist of things I need to do to prepare for dating and (gulp)…sex.

On the short list, I need new shoes, maybe a gothy hair clip, and black, or very dark nail polish. On the long list…I need to go to the gynecologist and get on birth control, buy some decent underwear, shave/nair/veet my legs, and last but not least, mentally prepare myself for it.

Why did I suddenly think that going on a date was a smart move, now or at any other time in my life? Stupid me, stupid romance movies, stupid!

But, I’m going to try to be cool about it, not be pushy, not have any pre-conceptions or expectations (good or bad) and let him make the first move, and just relax until then. (As if I can relax >_>)

Oh well shit.

2006-03-18T13:06:00.000-08:00

There’s been a disturbing lack of entries in the past four days and I plan to get to the bottom of it…ok so I’ve been lazy.

After my breakdown on March 14th, I signed up for Yahoo Personals, and two gothic personals sites. There’s a very attractive man on the Yahoo site with long brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a lip piercing. I fell for him, subscribed, and sent him a message. I think he got my message…and deleted it. How kind. He updated his profile, didn’t send me a response.

I had better luck with the gothic personals. I contacted a tall, skinny, cyber-goth who lives close to me. He responded quickly, and we’ve been talking. He has social anxiety as well, so he’s more comfortable with one-on-one situations, like me. We seem to have enough in common, and as soon as the weather improves, we’re going to meet.

But…I have no nice clothes, my hair’s a mess, I’m lumpy…and I literally weigh twice as much as this guy…foo…

Out of the frying pan into the fire? Or some cliché like that…

Something's broken...

2006-03-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

I’m going through a thing.

Yesterday was long, Mom showed up at 11 or so to take me to Dr. Singhal’s office. The drive felt extra long, and I nodded off every couple minutes, listening to H.I.M. The visit was short, and Singhal told me that if I can see the female doctor in Ortonville because she takes Medicaid, that I should, and to not argue if she wants to change my medication.

The drive home was long too, Mom asked me if I wanted to go to Arby’s and get a Rueben, but I was too tired to eat. In my apartment I opened my bedroom window for the first time, after having to call the maintenance guys and ask them how it opened. The air was warm and springy, and even though I was woken up every few minutes (it seemed) by the open shade banging on the window dude to the wind, I took a nice long nap until Rosi called.

She arrived, and we went to Blockbuster, Madagascar (saccharine and weak), A Dirty Shame (we had the censored version :/) Quigly Down Under (Alan Rickman as a cowboy was the only thing that saved that movie) Benny and Joon (So sweet), Mirrormask (Magical) Pulse (A Japanese horror film, I was disappointed) and the Avengers (Cheeeeeeeeeese). We went to Starbucks, and I got a Caramel Apple Cider, then we went to the grocery store, where I got chex mix.
We watched Madagascar, A Dirty Shame, Quigly Down Under, and Benny and Joon that night, while eating pizza and snacks. Benny and Joon was the last before I went to bed, and it left me empty. What I wouldn’t give for someone like Johnny Depp’s character in my life (hell, it wouldn’t hurt if he looked like Johnny Depp either).

I cried myself to sleep, silently as I could, with Rosi sleeping on the couch. Thinking depressive thoughts. “I don’t deserve love” “I’ve missed my only chance” “I’m so lonely” “Sometimes I feel like I’m dead inside and everyone knows it but me, so they smile and pretend not to notice, even though they can see the maggots crawling under my skin”. My friends are deserting me. I’ve been desperately trying to get a hold of Sarah, but she might as well be dead for all I know. No answer on her phone, no response to her e-mail, no evidence that she ever even existed. Tricia’s gone all the time. Another boyfriend, another reason to be away from the computer. Sometimes I think that even if I don’t love her, and she doesn’t love me, she’s the only one who could put up with me well enough to be with me. But that’s not right either. She’s been away for days. Kinny up and disappeared too, so all I have now is Rosi, Rachel, and Hikari.

I don’t want to die, I don’t want to kill myself, but sometimes I sincerely wish I were dead. I just wish there was a way out of this pointless existence sometimes. Sure, I have good days, I have happy days, and I have days when life is as great as it’s going to get but in the end I’m still here alone in this cheap thin-walled apartment with nothing. Even if there were money, there would still be this nagging in the back of my head that there’s nothing for me to be getting up the morning for. Maybe this is what people with faith have that I don’t, they have a delusion that there’s something to live for; that in the end there’s going to be something other than nothingness when we die.

I don’t want to be alone any longer. I don’t want to live like this any longer. Something’s got to give…it has to.

ONE DAY I WILL !#$@ YOUR PARENTS!

2006-03-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

A lot of sources and screennames on the internet have been telling me that 30 minutes of walking at 2.5 miles per hour is not enough. It’s too slow, it’s too little.

Well, if walking 2.5 miles per hour for 30 minutes is a walk in the park for these people, good for them. But it’s a fucking marathon for me.

I just walked 30 minutes, at a 5% grade, at 2.5mph. According to the nifty little calculator at www.caloriesperhour.com, I burned 295.5 calories. I also worked up a hell of a nasty sweat, and my back, and legs are significantly sore. It will go away, but the calories I burned will not come back.

I need to stop worrying so hard about what other people say is right for me.

I know what’s right for me.

That’s all that I need to know.

Psst! 30 minutes at 2.5mph is exactly 1&1/4 miles!

If Ville has a Vampire Heart, then I do too.

2006-03-11T01:35:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to say today, yet again, but I’ll write anyway.

I’ve decided, after a lot of thought, and a nasty mixed state, that I’m not going to worry about losing weight. I’m going to eat 2000 calories or less a day, I’m going to do my walk once or twice a day, depending on how I feel, and I’m just going to let things go that way. I’ll probably lose a little weight, but obsessing about it isn’t what’s right for me. Between obsessing about my weight, being frustrated about it, and pmsing, I’ve been dealing with shitty mood swings all day.

Mom came over at about 4:30pm, and we went to the grocery store, I picked up some fresh veggies, some meatless products, and some sushi.

I fried up the tofu and vegetables for stir-fry today. It turned out surprisingly good, and I think I’ll try it again. Tofu is a fun thing to work with, as long as you’re open to it, and it tasted good with fresh veggies and “Roasted Garlic Teriyaki sauce”

My mom’s idea of eating dinner after I take my medication seems to be just the right thing to keep me from being hungry at night.

Listening to a lot of H.I.M. today…

Another rough day.

2006-03-10T00:37:00.000-08:00

I woke up today (yesterday, March 9th) in an absolutely crap mood. At noon my eyes opened, and I sighed, and forced myself back to sleep. I woke up 3 hours later, feeling like crap, still. Apparently those 3 hours of sleep did nothing for my mood. Fuck it.

I was irritated, you see, because last night before I went to bed, after maintaining my diet rather well, I ended up eating two handfuls of haribo raspberries, a handful of Twizzlers Tweeterz, some peanut butter, and some pastrami. It made me feel bad, and it stuck with me.

Though I’ve been down for most of the day, I managed to get over it. I tried walking faster on my treadmill, but 3.0mph is just far too much, I tried it for ¼ of a mile, and it hurt my back, and was very unpleasant. I tried to continue my walk at 2.7mph, but there was just no way. I ended up walking another ¼ and giving up, bitching and moaning about it.

I’ve still been adding up my calories and whatnot, in fact I found an automated service online to help me out, and it’s doing really well. I’ve eaten around 1800 calories today, and I think with one more meal, I can manage to do 2200 or less today, as long as I don’t sabotage myself again before I go to bed. My mom suggested to take my medication and THEN eat, so that twinge of hunger that sets in won’t have an effect on me. Even though “they” say that eating before you go to bed is bad for you, as long as I’m eating 2200 calories or less a day I don’t think that WHEN I eat it will be a factor.

But this is frustrating. I’ve eaten A LOT today, yet I’m still hungry. I think I’m going to take my meds and eat a can of soup.

I’m going through some mood swings too. I’ve gone from a 2 to a 5 to a 6 to a 2 again on the scale of 1 being the most depressed you’ve ever been, and 10 being the most manic you’ve ever been. When my belly growled I almost started crying And I’ve drank 5 bottles of water today, that bullshit about water suppressing your appetite is ridiculous.

I Ate This

2006-03-08T19:20:00.000-08:00

Tallied up my caloric intake for the day.

Calories: 2223

Fat: 36g

Carbohydrates: 342g

Sugars: 127

Protein: 100g

Sodium: 3100 O__O!

So, other than the fact that I believe I had too much salt…I have no frame of reference for this stuff…I don’t know if I should be eating more, less, a LOT less…oh well.

My walk burned 200 calories by the way…

Shake Gently, Serve Chilled.

2006-03-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

Decided to fool around with the speed on my treadmill today. I’ve been steadily walking at 2.2 or 2.3 miles per hour, a nice brisk, but calm walk. I always work up a sweat, and burn a decent amount of calories. Today I sped it up to 2.5 for the last quarter mile. It was a bit speedier than I’m use to, but it was do-able. I might try the whole thing at 2.5 tomorrow. I also sped it up to 3, which was a slow jog. I’m not confident enough to jog on my treadmill yet. I’m off balance, and have a fear of falling off of it.

But at any rate, I walked for 31 minutes, burning off 200 calories, roughly half of my breakfast. Worked up a mighty fine sweat, and I feel decent.

So,

Walk? Check!

Brushed Teeth? Check!

Breakfast? Check!

Vitamins? Check!

Laundry? Check!

All the “have-to-dos” are out of the way now. Unfortunately that leaves me with a serious case of “What’s-left-to-do?”

I’ve decided to tally up the amount of calories I’m eating in the next couple days, to get an idea of whether I need to be eating more or less to lose weight. I wish there were a free online resource where I could keep a log of this sort of stuff, but all of the calorie counters and stuff that I’ve found have been on paysites.

So far, after Breakfast, Lunch, and Snack #1, I’ve eaten a paltry 1000 calories, and I’m rather satisfied.

Sleep of the Just

2006-03-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

As I spend this morning sitting with my obligatory oatmeal and a cup of tea, trying to shake off the drowsiness that I feel after every good night’s sleep, I wish that I could wake up feeling alert and perky. I opened my eyes at 9:30am, after at least 10 hours of good sleep, and the first thought that goes through my mind is “I want to go back to sleep”. There’s no wonder as to why my sleep schedule is so fucked up, why I continually get up past noon. It’s irritating, sincerely.

I slept well enough; I always do, but shaking off the sluggish feeling of sleepiness is hard as ever. I ate two packets of oatmeal (two servings, but I wake up feeling hungry as hell) a banana, and a cup of tea, and I’m still sluggish and foggy. And hungry. That’s the really frustrating thing. My appetite is crazy. 2 packets of oatmeal (300 calories, 4 grams of fat) a banana (around 100 calories?) and a cup of tea with sugar (hmm…28 calories?)…and I’m still very hungry. Physically mind you, not the boredom, nothing better to do, just want to eat because I want to eat hungry. My stomach is growling, churning, and being irritating generally.

I’m going go try and take my walk, maybe it’ll perk me up.

It didn’t :/

One Small Step for Extremist Conservatives, One Giant Leap Backwards for Women's Rights.

2006-03-06T17:32:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11699703/

I’m ashamed to live in the United States sometimes.

This is one of them.

Self-esteem boost for the day: I'm a gorgeous fat girl.

2006-03-06T02:23:00.000-08:00

I love modern appliances, especially modern kitchen appliances. When I moved into my new apartment, at the age of 18, I received housewarming gifts for Christmas; a waffle iron, a crock-pot, and a little food processor. I’ve been ogling the KitchenAid stand mixers for months; I love kitchen appliances!

But no modern kitchen appliance holds the place in my heart that the microwave does. Putting aside the quality meals that can be made from leftovers alone, there are supermarket shelves full of foods that can be made in the microwave. Frozen vegetables that you cook in the bag, rice and noodle dishes made in a microwavable container, even desserts on the store shelves that after two or three minutes of heat turn into decadent molten cakes; TV dinners, pizza, sandwiches, popcorn and all manner of foods can be cooked in that little box in the kitchen.

Why the ode to a common appliance? Quite simply, I love my microwave and I’m pleased to have it. I’ve had my share of fantastic meals lately, made of nothing but leftovers and microwavable rice or noodle dishes. Living alone, I don’t like cooking every single day, not only is it a waste of dishes, but it’s tedious and frustrating! Last week I fried up some lean turkey sausage, and throughout the week I’ve been eating it, reheated, with microwave cooked vegetables and a starch. No pans to scrub, no cooking utensils to wash, no having to clean up the stove afterwards, just a lovely meal within 15 minutes or less.

Thank you microwave, I love you.

As for the rest of my day, I woke up at around midnight feeling lost and dazed, I’d been having odd dreams, probably attributed to previewing the Japanese gay boy porn that I’ve come across lately. I also dreamt about mandragora, go figure. I walked for 30 minutes, just over a mile, started out a bit more energetic than I should have, and was completely beat by the time the 30 minutes were over. Damn music got me too into it, yes it is possible to dance on a treadmill, yes I probably looked like a complete loser, but it was fun.

Drastically running low on hard drive space currently, I mean, I’m sure this problem could be solved by, well, downloading less shit and deleting the stuff I haven’t used in ages, my manga folder, for example. But I’m a squirrel, metaphorically, I horde! I gather files like acorns and horde them, guarding them viciously, my files, no touchy! Of course there’s no money to buy another external hard drive, or this lovely external DVD/CD burner I found at Newegg.com, but I want it anyway, and if I keep running low on space, I’m going to need it. I’ve got about 25 dollars stashed away, hopefully I can make that grow by 100 in the next few weeks while not maxing out my hard drive space. I have around 15 gigs left, between my two drives. Fuck.

I really hate my schedule sometimes, waking up at midnight would be all fine and good if there were something for me to fucking do. I’ve walked, I’ve eaten, I’ve washed dishes, I’ve refilled the humidifier…and…aside from laundry that I may or may not do, there’s nothing left for the day other than watching TV, playing video games, and fucking around on the PC. Nobody’s online of course, I chatted with Rachel a bit, said ‘ello to Kinny when she popped up for a couple minutes, but that’s that. Currently I’m surfing around on Snopes.com for light, whimsical reading, watching VH1/MTV (switching between the two when real crap comes on. It’s bullshit, MTV and VH1 only show music videos at 5am or so, so much for music television, too much fucking reality shit…but that’s a rant for another day!) and checking out the video that just finished downloading, don’t think it’s my thing, the guys are far too muscular and clean-cut. I think I’ll just delete it and clear up some extra hard drive space. There’s a white reggae rapper on MTV right now, apparently an orthodox Jew doing reggae music. That’s bloody weird. I’ve got nothing against Judaism or reggae for that matter, I just never thought I’d see the two mix. Oh, Fall Out Boy is on now. My guilty pleasure. Rawr!

On another tangent, why am I so bleeding hungry lately? I’m trying not to overeat, but ever since I started working out, I’ve been ridiculously hungry. I’m eating three full meals a day, more than I usually do, and I’m starving! Listen metabolism! I’m trying to fucking lose weight here! Don’t reward me for exercising by forcing me to eat an extra meal a day! Don’t fuck with me Metabolism! I’ve got Slimfast and I know how to use it! Just try me, I dare ya.

"You! Son with wang! You please ancestors!"

2006-03-05T00:16:00.000-08:00

Exercise is Sexy.

If I’d heard someone state that two months ago, I would have laughed in their face, glared at them irritably and generally figured they were on crack. Afterall, exercise makes you sweat like you’ve been running for your life, smell like a gym locker, and hurts your joints and muscles. How can that be sexy?

One word, accomplishment.

Exercise isn’t easy, and it’s not generally fun, but when I’m done with that mile, mile and a quarter, or mile and a half, I’ve accomplished something that nobody, and nothing can take away from me. My depression can’t take it away from me.

My walk was one and a quarter miles today, after which I took a nice hot shower, I felt like a queen. Sweating bullets from head to toe, smelling like I’d forgotten deodorant for the past 3 days, and hot as hell, and I’ve never felt better.

I’m still not losing weight, but everyone that I’ve spoken to assures me that I’m going to be building muscle for a while, and I shouldn’t actually expect any weight loss right away. With the way my mood has been though, I’m not going to stop just because I’m not seeing results in my body.

P!nk has a new song out, called Stupid Girls, and it’s obviously aimed at celebrities like Paris Hilton and such, who are famous just because they’re famous, no talent, no brains, no substance. I like it, she’s a gorgeous woman, it’s a pity she’s straight; I read somewhere that she just got married. What a loss for the lesbian community.

Well I’m like a broken record aren’t I? “I took a walk, I did this, I did that”. Christ I’m boring.

Oh, spoke to Daren the other night; he instant messaged me while drunk on his 21^st birthday. Maybe we’ll go out for dinner to catch up when he gets back from vacation, I doubt it though, he’s sort of flaky.

Jam Tomorrow...

2006-03-04T03:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a damn decent day. I woke up feeling sluggish and foggy as usual, but after a bit I shook it off. I took my walk, one and one-fourth of a mile, and then I cooked up the “Sweet Italian Turkey Sausage” that was sitting in my fridge. I heated up some leftover cauliflower, pea pods, red peppers, and cheddar noodles on the side, and it was one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time. In fact, it’s one of the best meals I’ve ever cooked for myself, and two thirds of it was leftovers. I finished off the rum raisin for dessert, bad of me, but the meal was just that good; it deserved a fattening and fantastic dessert. Mum came over before I went to sleep, and Haiiro played with the catnip for the first time, in his sweet little goofy way.

Today, was far less decent. I managed my walk, but the day did not treat me well…don’t wanna talk about it.

Foam on Fungus. (title supplied by a spam e-mail I recieved)

2006-02-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

Today was a long fucking day. Firstly my mom showed up early. She always does this, mainly because she wakes up at around 6am, and can’t sit around and wait until it’s time to do what we’re supposed to do.

So she showed up at 10:30am, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep until about 2am, because, even with my meds, sometimes it’s still hard for me to get to sleep. Mom, of course, is ridiculously manic and bouncy and no matter how hard I try I can’t get back to sleep for a half hour or so. So at 11:30 we take off, firstly we go to the candy store at the “Grand Mall” that we’ve been meaning to go to, it’s a cute place, if not a little expensive. I got some rock candy, some “Banana Splits” which are a type of taffy, some licorice wheels, some raspberry candies and of course good old Candy Cigarettes.

By the time we get into Waterford, it’s only quarter after 12, so we stop at “Mel’s Grill” for lunch. I got a Rueben, it was good, not as good as Arby’s Ruebens, but it sufficed. It came without Thousand Island dressing, so I had to put it on myself. I sort of chuckled and thought of House’s line “Rueben, dry, hold the pickles, no fries.”

At my dads house, after the Rueben, he wrote us a check for 300 dollars, and gave me 50 in cash for groceries. I hate asking my dad for money, I hate it more than I hate the smell of boiling pork (which makes me nauseous). When we entered his house, I nearly had a panic attack. But it’s done with. After that we went to cash the check, the damn bank charged me 8 dollars for that…

In Ortonville we stopped to pay the bills, and I went into Edith’s Pet Supplies looking for some “Krunch-A-Rounds” for the gerbils, they didn’t have any, but I had a great conversation with the man who was running the store. An old gentlemen who was watching the store along with a white great dane with two different colored eyes, who also happened to be deaf. The dog was a big sweetie though (emphasis on big!), unlike the little Corgi that wouldn’t let me pet him. We chatted about animals, then mom and I went to Meijer to get 50 dollars worth of groceries. I bought a lottery ticket, didn’t win though.

So, needless to say, I’m a bit worn out and not taking my walk today!

Made with the Finest Peanuts.

2006-02-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written in the past few days but I really have meant to.

But I’ve been pretty much bed/couch ridden since the 19^th, when I started my period. Between the horrific cramps and the mood swings brought on by the monthly curse. There was lots of sleeping, I think I slept at least 24-28 hours in a 2 day period, to try to just sleep through the worst of the cramps. Lots of sleeping with House running on my laptop for background noise; I even passed out on the couch for 6 hours.

Yesterday Wendy brought my mom over and we went to Target for a humidifier. It’s a 1-gallon cold mist humidifier sort of shaped like an elephant. The mist comes out of the nose. It’s already doing a good deal of help, the kitties are less zappy, and the air feels less dry. Plus the tank stays full for over 8 hours, and it has an auto shut-off. I also got some necessities, deodorant, lotion, shaving cream, and some bread and other groceries at Kroger.

Mom finally got her car fixed, and the other day she called my dad and talked to him about helping me get mine fixed. However, she wants to wait until the spring so there’s less chance of the doors freezing shut so we can get those fixed as well. There’re so many things wrong with my poor car, but at least mom can come over every other day now.

I missed my walk for about 3 days while I was incapacitated because of my period, but I’m getting back on the right track, I did it yesterday, and I’m planning on doing 1 and ¼ mile today.

Update: Did the 1&¼ and I feel like a million dollars, now if I only HAD the million dollars…

Feh!

2006-02-17T15:51:00.000-08:00

I was up until nearly 5 am last night watching boypr0n and chatting with Ann and Trish. I have to admit that this was not my best judgment as of late. Though the boypr0n was fantastic (Ryota is the pinnacle of naked cuteness) and the conversation was good, I really should have gotten to sleep earlier. I rolled out of bed at 3pm, cleaned the litter box, took the trash out, and cleaned myself up. I still need to walk my mile, but I’m going to have a bit to eat and take my vitamins first. I haven’t been taking them twice a day like I’m supposed to. I keep missing the second dose.

Though it rained last night, it was still very cold when I went outside today to check my mail and toss out the garbage.

I’m not depressed…just…tried of the situation. I want money.

I love Spaghetti-O's

2006-02-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

It feels like my hair might be thinning out. That bothers me, I’ve always had thick and healthy hair, but I’ve been losing it a lot for the past year or so. I started taking Biotin though, which on top of breaking down carbs and fat is supposed to help hair and nails. Perhaps it will get thicker after using that for a while.

I woke up feeling less dead today, yet still a bit later than I would have hoped to. That’s due to the fact that I had the hardest time getting to sleep though. I had oatmeal and half-caf coffee with breakfast, then took my walk. Stretched out a bit, walked a quarter mile, then the plug that turns on the treadmill popped out, and I had to start fresh. I walked 2/3 of a mile, so I figure that should even out to about one.

Did a little writing last night, and today, out of boredom and lack of things to watch on television, I’m working on watching the Japanese version of “Dark Water”. It took a lot of effort to actually get working though. All the media players I have acted differently with it. VLC had no sound, Media Player and Real Player both stuttered and jerked. Winamp finally decided to play it correctly, but the sound is very low, even though my laptop is turned up as far as it will go. God forbid anyone message me right now, my eardrums might burst.

I’m sort of tired and lonely, physically tired, as if I’ve had to push too hard lately. It’s probably because I’m due to start my period in the next 2 days or so, but it’s crappy nonetheless. I’m still not very depressed, just…lonely and worn out.

valenfuzzy...fuck...

2006-02-15T13:26:00.000-08:00

A Hallmark Holiday has passed, and I am no worse for wear. I watched a new episode of House, and had a little rum raisin ice cream in my own little pampering celebration.

My mother finally put the final nail into the coffin she’s been building for my car, she claims it’s just a coincidence, but I think it’s far too coincidental that the only time anything goes wrong with it is when she’s driving it. So now I’m stuck even more than before. Stranded in Grand Blanc without transportation, and without any company. She usually comes over every other day, helps out with the housework, and takes me to the store. Now there’s no car, and I’m screwed, majorly. (Side note: Microsoft Word didn’t recognize majorly as a word. What’s wrong with this program?)

I’m fucking tired, groggy. I want to just go back to sleep for a few hours, or for the rest of the day. I hate feeling drained like this. I’ve got piles of laundry, I need to take my walk and do some other chores, but I just want to sleep. I think I might. It won’t hurt me to miss one walk a week. I missed one last week when I lost that day, and I feel just about as bad now. Just want to sleep, just want to rest!

Another day, another cliché.

2006-02-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

I woke up at about 6:30 this morning having to use the bathroom so badly that I thought if I bent over my bladder might explode. Went back to sleep (after running to the bathroom of course), and got up again at 11. Felt surprisingly lonely when I woke up, that doesn’t usually happen with me. I called my mom, she showed up around 12:30 or so with Wendy, otherwise known as “Only-woman-who-swears-more-than-I-do”, that’s her Indian name you see. She hung out in my living room, sitting in the large empty space between my recliner and the sliding glass door, and filled out her bills while my mom cleaned the litter box and I sat on the couch with my laptop for a bit. We went to Meijer, I didn’t really NEED a lot more food, but I ended up spending 37 dollars (there was only 36.90 left from my food stamps that I got on the 7th. 149 dollars for a months worth of groceries is completely unreasonable. I might live alone but groceries aren’t any less expensive because I’m only buying them for one person. I shop sales and such, but I’m not willing to buy only generic brands. I’ve tried generic cereals and stuff, they’re crap, no matter what anyone says.

Bought a B Complex vitamin today at Meijer, along with 2 bath bombs, and a few other household essentials. Lean Cuisines were on sale, and with my mother’s encouragement I bought a pint of Rum Raisin ice cream. After all, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and I have nobody to spend it with other than Dr. House, and Kyo. But the former is behind a Television screen, and the latter is in Japan, so instead I’ll cuddle up with a bit of decadent ice cream and my cats.

I need to reinstall Windows again on this piece of shit machine (aptly named “Craptop”). I think I’ll do that tomorrow. Get it out of the damn way so I can stop seeing that little icon on my system tray and thinking “God I have to reinstall Windows again”. It’s really unreasonable that I can’t activate my copy of Windows on this laptop…

I…just activated it. I have no idea how I managed that, but apparently Windows is now activated. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS. What the bloody fucking hell…it wouldn’t activate before… Oh well, who gives’ a flying fuck! I don’t have to reinstall! Whee! Yay desu!

Tomorrow, before Rum Raisin + House, I’m going to Dr. Singhal’s office with my mother and Wendy, we were going to go on Wednesday, but Wendy couldn’t get an appointment then, and offered to drive us all. Since the last working car in the family (mine) is dead, having a ride there and back is crucial

I’m off to bed soon, my body’s getting tired and as soon as I pop my pills my mind’ll be there too. Walked 30 minutes, getting odd stitches and soreness though. My ribs and generally tummy area hurt, and while I walk, the old soreness in my leg has been acting up. When I was really little, my inner left thigh hurt a lot, up near the ball of the hip mostly. It went away mostly when I got older, but it hurts sometimes when I do a lot of walking, leading to my limp now and then. It hurts a lot when I walk on the treadmill, but completely stops when I do. Odd.

Oh well, in general, life is good, it might be cold as fuck outside, but I’m happier than ever.

She Ain't Right in the Head

2006-02-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

I’ve noticed a couple things today that make me think I might be a little too sexualized lately.

Taking my mile walk, as I tried to drink from my sports bottle, I accidentally splashed water on my face. My first thought was “Gee, this must be how it feels to be a porn star”.

Secondly, I’ve noticed that my shampoo looks disturbingly similar to a certain white and creamy bodily fluid. How lovely.

At any rate, my moods have kept stable, except for a couple days ago when I lost the day all together. I was so tired that I took a nap during the day, and then went to sleep at 11:00pm, missing most of the day. I walked 27:14 minutes yesterday, and 35:00 minutes today, the difference between today and yesterday is that I walked without shoes yesterday, giving my feet blisters. That was a very dumb idea, but there’s cliché’s about hindsight that I could quote right now.

Speaking of sight, I took a shower/bath today. First I took a shower, then rinsed out the tub to soak for a bit. When I got out of the tub, smelling and looking like a Vanilla goddess painted by Botticelli, I found that my glasses were no longer on the bathroom counter where I had put them before I took my bath. This did not seem right to me. I pawed around for them blindly, crawled around on the floor, and then retreated to my bedroom to find my spare glasses. My spare glasses are very old, and no longer my prescription, wearing them for a few minutes gave me a headache, god forbid I ever have to wear them for a longer period of time. When I found my glasses, I found them on the floor in the living room, between the cat’s paper bag, and a cat toy. This can only mean one thing. My cats are trying to overthrow me, by making it so I can’t see what they’re doing. Very sneaky, very clever, very evil little bastards they are.

I started taking Omega-3 Fatty Acids on the recommendation of the folks at Mood Garden, but I haven’t noticed a difference in my mood, mostly because I’ve been feeling so damn good lately. Considering adding a B-complex and Biotin as well, when I have the money for it.

Breakthrough

2006-02-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my life I finally feel stronger than my depression.

Every depressive synapse in my brain, every depressive muscle in my body screams against me when I walk. But I do it, I’m in control, and I can push it out of my head, and assure myself that I’m in control.

I hate walking on the treadmill; it’s painful, boring, and sweaty. I love walking on the treadmill, I’m clearheaded and in complete control. I control when to start, when to stop, and I control my depression, for the first time in my life.

Even when I look at the scale in the morning and there’s no change to my weight, I’m still in control. I push through the frustration and irritation, and by the time I’ve walked for 15 minutes, the worst is behind me, and I’m separated from the depressed me.

I walked for 30 minutes today, almost a mile and an 8th of one. I think I really could have continued walking, but I promised myself I’d stop at 30 minutes. I think I can do more; maybe tomorrow I’ll do a mile and a quarter.

I want instant gratification, I want to see a drop on the scale, but I can move beyond that want.

I’ve never felt like this before. In the past, it was always people trying to control me, my mom, the dieticians, my doctors, but now I’m controlling it. I’m doing it because I told myself to do it, and nobody can take that control away from me.

30 out of 1440

2006-02-04T07:20:00.000-08:00

The treadmill and I meet again, this time for 30 minutes, an entire mile. It hurt, it sucked, I got sweaty and sore in the back and thigh area, but I did it, and I’m going to do it again. As much as I dislike exercise in general, I think it’s having a positive effect on my mood. Thursday I did 4 loads of laundry, and cleaned all the dishes. Friday I walked ¾ of a mile, and then went grocery shopping. Today I feel good, even though I’m a little sore from the walking, and subsequent baking of banana bread. If I can keep this up, I should be just fine.

I’m not happy with my weight, but I’m hoping for results too quickly. Walking a mile doesn’t automatically make you lose weight; I’m going to have to do this every day (or every other day) for a while before I can expect any real results. It’s just hard, I don’t like exercising, but I’m doing my best to push myself. But my hunger is bothering me. I’ve eaten a pastrami sandwich (low fat everything) a low fat yogurt, strawberries and no fat whipped cream and a can of Campbell’s Select soup, as well as a handful of candy hearts. I’m still very hungry, it’s bothering me a great deal too. I don’t want to overeat now that I’m trying to exercise, but my body seems like it’s trying to sabotage me. At least there’s Banana Bread in the oven, made with applesauce instead of oil.

Days Go By

2006-02-03T03:53:00.000-08:00

I woke up in a good mood finally; I wish I knew what triggered the good moods upon waking, so I could do it every day before I go to sleep. I’m dressed, my teeth are brushed, my hair is brushed and in a ponytail, and I walked ¾ of a mile on the treadmill. I probably could have done a mile, but I started getting a stitch in my stomach.

Still, I’m planning to ask Dr. Singhal to either up or change my anti-depressant. One good day is great, but a month full of good days is really what I want.

Yesterday wasn’t great, I was pretty down and spent the day sitting on the couch up until the time I decided to do my laundry. For the first time since I’ve moved into this apartment my laundry is all done, save for what I was wearing yesterday. It never really hung over my head or anything, but it does feel somewhat good to have it all done, for now at least.

My mom is taking things better than she was last week, but she’s a fountain of optimism. I don’t understand how someone can be so hopeful when they live in the same world that I do.

I canceled my long-running subscriptions to BeBoys Gold and Shoxx magazine and I feel like crap about it. I don’t have the money to pay for them anymore, but I still want to have them.

Randomly, I want to watch Fern Gully, but I haven’t had it on video/DVD for the longest time. It was on my Dad’s house, on VHS, he probably threw it out when Penny moved in, at any rate, I don’t have a VHS player.

Things can always get worse.

2006-02-01T04:39:00.000-08:00

After three years of waiting, my social security and disability case finally came to a close. And of course, because I have the worst luck of any living human being on this planet, I was completely denied.

So there’s no money, no PC, no nothing, just 3 years of waiting wasted for nothing. My case was rejected on the assumption that Dr. Singhal lied about the extent of my disabilities. I’ve only been living with bi-polar disorder for the past 8 years of my life, and the courts just threw it away. 8 years of suffering, 3 years of hoping and waiting, all for nothing. This was the worst thing possible that could happen to me. I cried, I told everyone, and now there’s nothing else I can do.

My depression has been worse in the past month or so, I gained over five pounds, but I managed to slowly drop it off. I’m down to 222 again, but I can’t see it getting any easier to maintain and lose. Nothing is making me happy. I don’t want to play video games, I don’t want to read, and I don’t do laundry or do the dishes. The only thing that has really been giving me any joy lately is taking baths, and I can’t do that every day because it can cause urinary tract infection. I don’t have medical insurance and can’t afford to go to the doctor, so I can’t do anything…I’m getting tired of this.

Eeyeech!

2006-01-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

I've learned a valuable lesson on my search for relaxing music.

Traditional Japanese is not it. It's very dischordant and hard on the ears. I found one koto song that I like so far...

I'm better off sticking to Enya...

On another music related note: Annie Lennox's "Love Song For a Vampire" is still one of the most moving love songs to me...

Potatoes & Cats, Cabbages & Kings.

2006-01-28T03:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a boring, normal day for me. That is until I decided to take a bath. Thursday night I decided to try the do-it-yourself route for taking care of a stubborn yeast infection that I have. The DIY route being plain yogurt, I learned a few things that weren’t mentioned on the website I did my research on.

1. Yogurt is cold. Very, very very cold.
2. It is possible to be embarrassed while you’re alone, lying on your back and smoothing yogurt on yourself is one way.
3. In the morning, it smells like sour milk. Ewww.

At any rate, it seems to have eased the itching, so it worked well enough.

I mention this gross bit of information because it’s the sole reason I decided to take a bath yesterday. I hopped into the shower, cleaned off really well, then decided to just plop down and fill the tub with water. Though I know they waste water, baths are possible the most relaxing thing for me. Not only does the feeling of floating in hot water ease my back pain, but also for some reason my brain slows down when I’m in the tub. I just close my eyes and rest, no racing thoughts, no worry, no boredom even, just relaxation and comfort. When I got out of the tub, my whole body was tingling and I was in such a state of relaxation that I could have fallen asleep without my medications. I went to sleep at about 8pm, still somewhat relaxed and tingly, and woke up this morning at 4:50 or so.

I awoke, and noticed my upstairs neighbors were awake, playing music, albeit not very loudly, I could still hear it. Of course, once I noticed this, I was completely unable to get back to sleep. My ribs are slightly sore, I’m not sure from what, but it made it pretty hard to get comfortable. The good news is, I woke up with a surprising amount of energy and resolve. I decided that today I’m going to do the rest of my laundry, make eggs for breakfast (I’ve only had a bit of cereal so far, but it’s got a surprisingly high amount of protein in it) clean up the kitchen and living room, clean the catbox, AND walk on the treadmill. We’ll see how much of that energy and fervor I can hold onto through the day, but it certainly is nice not to wake up feeling fatigued and not rested.

Also, I noticed how much the week has completely passed me by. When I awoke this morning I was thoroughly startled to find out that it was Saturday. For some reason I thought that today was going to be Thursday, or Friday perhaps. Trying to readjust my sleeping schedule has made me rather confused about what day is which.

So I made eggs, only to find out that my pan is off balance, or something. I cracked an egg into it and the egg slid all the way down to the end of the pan, leaving a huge snotty looking smear across the pan. I cracked a second egg and it did the exact same thing, except on the second one, the yolk broke as well. At least it’s damn near impossible to screw up a cup of tea, as I’ve be rather fond of drinking tea lately.

My cats are insufferable. Kage has come up with a new habit of attacking and ruining any potatoes I have in the house. When they were in the bottom cupboard, he dragged them out, on the counter, he knocked them off, and when I put them on top of the fridge, one of them still ended up on the living room floor, bitten and wet. I don’t know WHAT is persuading him to do this, but I really hope he cuts it out, as he’s wasting perfectly good potatoes.

On Life and Sleep.

2006-01-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

Life is a study of doing things you don’t want to, because you have to. Every single human being on the face of this planet has woken up at least once, (although my guess is it always happens far more than just once) and thought “oh god, I don’t want to get up and go to school/work/church/other random obligation”. In the end, I suppose that’s what makes it “life” and not Disneyland or something. Regardless of how much you like your job, or your life, you’re always doing things you don’t want to do.

The “Oh god I don’t want to get up” scenario happens a lot more with those of us who suffer from depression. It’s noteworthy that some of the many symptoms of depression have to do with sleep. Insomnia, difficulties falling asleep or waking up, oversleeping, and vivid dreaming are all things someone with depression can experience. So understandably, after a good night’s sleep, especially one with vivid pleasant dreams (although I’ve read that most bi-polar people suffer from nightmares, I never do, my dreams are usually weird, but never frightening or disturbing.) one would not want to wake up and face the day. Plus fatigue and low-energy are also symptoms of depression, making it a vicious cycle. It’s hard to get to sleep, and then even if you do sleep well, you wake up feeling as if you haven’t. I usually find that it takes me over an hour to fully “wake up” and I’ll usually just try to go back to sleep, regardless of how much sleep I’ve already gotten.

Of course, sleep disorders are only one of the many things a person with bi-polar or depression can and will experience, and my little rant isn’t really relevant to anything. Sometimes I just want to write what’s in my head, regardless of the relevance or meaning to any of it.

Self-esteem sickness.

2006-01-23T04:49:00.000-08:00

So on top of everything else, the sinus headache that I got the day before yesterday appears to have only been the tip of the iceberg, I managed to stay relatively healthy all winter, but now I’m getting sick. My glands are definitely swollen, my throat is sore and dry whenever I’m not drinking something, and I’ve been drinking so much that I’m in the bathroom every 45 minutes or so. It’ll probably just be a cold, with a sinus headache and pressure, but I’m going to be sick all the same. Probably came from walking outside when going to Singhals office, or the other doctor, the one in Ortonville…I can’t remember her name. It doesn’t matter, but nobody likes being sick. And in all honesty, I want some sympathy for it.

Lately…I’m sad. It’s probably just my situation and the weather making my depression worse, but I can’t stand it. I’m sad, lonely, and now I’m sick. I think I want to meet more people, but I’m…afraid. People hurt other people. I only know several people, so…less chance of being hurt? It doesn’t make it any less lonely though.

A got a message, earlier this morning, around…4am, a guy had seen my profile online and thought I sounded interesting, which, considering there’s a picture there, he thought that I was attractive. He’s 27, and from New York, and I suppose attractive in the way that most regular women find men attractive. It was a boost to my ego and self-esteem, a confusing boost, but a boost none-the-less. I don’t think I’ll ever find myself attractive, even if decent looking men in New York do.

My New Years Resolutions haven’t been going all to well. I have been reading more, definitely, but only because of a lack of anything else to do really. I can’t sit online waiting for Tricia, Hikari, Ann, or Kinny to get online all day and night, so I’ve been reading. I’m about 2/3 of the way through “Interview With The Vampire”, I’ve been putting off re-reading those books, because I met Lara the first time I did.

I decided to stop reading for tonight, and I’ve been watching “House M.D.” I’ll get it on DVD when I have money again, so I can watch it any time, without having my laptop in my lap. Unfortunately, the other show I felt like downloading, “Medical Investigation” only seems to have interested Spanish and French people, because those are the only languages the torrents are available in. Blah. I need to find something else to watch.

Sleep and Sickness.

2006-01-21T14:19:00.000-08:00

Sleep has done me wrong lately. I sleep and I sleep and when I wake I feel like I haven’t slept at all. Or I sleep, and I sleep and I wake up with my head and nose so stuffy that I just feel like lying down again. Between the depression and the physical SHIT that I’ve been going through in the past day, I just feel like I want scream, but I can’t.

The only thing I seriously hate about being on medications for my bi-polar disorder is the fact that I cannot generally take any decongestants. And 90% of the time when I start feeling sick, I get majorly congested, sinus headaches and lots of pressure. It’s disgusting, and it hurts, and I fucking hate it.

On Disappointments.

2006-01-19T15:37:00.000-08:00

Life makes me fucking sick.

Just over a week ago, the hard drive on this piece of shit ancient laptop died, leaving me with no access to the Internet at all. Finally getting the Christmas money I was depending on to fix my PC, I bought the parts needed and patiently waited for them to arrive. They, of course, took at least 5 days longer than they were supposed to, and arrived on the rainiest, shittiest, day possible. And of course, Joe wouldn’t put them in on the day they arrived, or the day after, but on Sunday. And, of course, after at least 10 hours of work on Sunday, it turns out that the damn PC still wasn’t working. Of course I had to borrow money for my father to get a new hard drive, which we thought was the problem, and OF COURSE the hard drive didn’t fix whatever problem it was. So I took the hard drive back and bought one for my laptop, which took under 30 minutes to install, and now I can get onto the internet again, of course, my PC is still a broken piece of shit. The only upside of this is now I have the knowledge it takes to put an entire PC together. I removed the motherboard to put it back in the box and return it in under 10 minutes.

Yesterday I had to see yet another in a line of psychiatrists to try and decide if I’m mentally ill enough to need Medicaid. Of course I haven’t had it since I turned 21, because as far as the state is concerned, mentally ill people are MIRACULOUSLY CURED when they become adults! It’s amazing! This one was a woman in Ortonville who works in a tiny office that used to be a tiny Barber Shop. At least it was a woman, they understand sexual molestation or abuse better than men ever could. She didn’t ask me “how do you know you were molested?” or any other stupid offensive questions. Of course there is a downside to this. The woman takes Medicaid, and is in Ortonville; therefore my mom wants us to start seeing her, instead of Dr. Singhal, even though my mother has trusted him for 13 years with our collective mental health.

So, in the end, there’s nothing. There’s still no money, there’s still no settlement of the case, I have no life, no car, nothing that really makes me happy. There are the brownies that I’ve been making pretty regularly, but all those are doing is putting extra weight on me. I’m up to 225 now. I need to lose 25 pounds, and I have idea how, and no drive to. I just want to sit here, eat ice cream and brownies, and stare at the television.

The night before last, I was reading “The Sandman” reading a part of it that I had avoided for a very long time, because I knew in advance that a character I loved was going to die. And though it is a comic book, it was not like “Superman” or “Batman” when if the main character dies, you know for certain that it’s not permanent. He’s dead, and he’s never coming back. I shed a few tears for that, then a torrent came down. I cried for over an hour, sobbing so hard that my throat was sore and my face and shirt were soaked with tears. I’m between bad places right now, half of the time I’m angry, violently, or so depressed that I can barely move. The other half I’m so numb that even the biggest disappointments just make me shrug. I just…I’ve been so disappointed by life in general that lately I’m thinking about death again. I’m so frightened of death, but lately, I just don’t feel like it matters, if I died, it would be over, I wouldn’t be disappointed or numb or worrying about the future, and facing the crap that the next day brings. Several months ago, I couldn’t imagine things getting any worse than they were, and today they’re worse than they’ve ever been. Between the numbness and the pain…maybe it would just be best if I fell asleep one night and didn’t wake up in the morning. I told Dr. Singhal that I was more depressed than usual, but he didn’t do anything, I wasn’t given any more medications. I somehow doubt it would really help if I even did. Nothing will get better, nothing good ever happens for me. My whole life has just been a downward spiral until now. It’s just so depressing and so disappointing. Life should have been better than this…

On the New Year.

2006-01-03T14:58:00.000-08:00

It’s been a while since I moved into my new apartment, I’ve gotten comfortable here, even though I was originally uneasy about leaving the town I had lived in for 21 years of my life. This is a nice apartment; it’s really comforting to have my own washer and dryer, even if they’re in my closet next to the stinky cat box. I’m pretty happy here, even though I’m still poor and still living with the mere basics of life, food and bills, although my credit cards are both maxed out and receiving late fees. It’s hard, but I’m getting by on the bare minimum. My mother spoke to the lawyer today, and he said that the decision should be coming any day now, but that’s not very comforting, considering the decision was supposed to have come in 30 to 90 days, and I went to court at the very end of August.

I’ve been under a lot of stress for ages now, and it seems to be finally catching up with me. My weight is steady between 221 and 224, my sleep patterns are crazy, and I have a very nasty canker sore on the inside of my bottom lip. It’s really been bothering me, and my mom finally brought me some Orajel and Popsicles to relieve the pain I’ve been suffering through the past couple days.

But, in the end, today is just another day, I’m going to make some white rice, and hope everything works out ok.

Insert Rain Related Cliche Here

2005-12-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think one of the side effects of being a woman with manic depression is feeling like it’s “That Time Of The Month” everyday. It’s hard enough dealing with the regular ups and downs of womanhood, but the sporadic depression, irritability, and mood swings.

Little things make me sad enough to cry, a character dies on a television show, or in a book, or, lately, a cartoon animal bites the dust and I start bawling. It bothers me, I’d like to have a normal stable mood for once in my life. I’ve been holding most of it back by eating sweets, but that’s only made me put on 5 pounds. Fuu~

The History Channel

2005-12-27T19:02:00.000-08:00

The History Channel started “Armageddon Week” the day after Christmas…

I question the logic in their timing.

The magic is gone...

2005-12-26T09:41:00.000-08:00

If I were a child still, today would have been a day for basking in the glow of Christmas, new toys to play with, new clothes to wear, and at least a week until school started again. But, since I’m an adult, today is just Monday, instead of new clothes, there’s laundry to do, instead of new toys there’re dishes to wash and meals to cook.

The holidays have lost their magic, it’s miserable. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even my birthday this year passed without fanfare, without as much of a squeak. It’s disappointing that now the days that brought me so much joy when I was a child are just another day out of the year now. I suppose that its probably just part of getting older, of being an adult, but it’s depressing.

I haven’t been doing too well with keeping my pre-New Year’s Resolutions, sadly enough. My weight is hovering between 220 and 222, which is sort of upsetting, I need to get it down to 210 again, or 200, then lower. But there’s a load of dishes in the kitchen, a load of laundry in the laundry room, and a load of brownies waiting for me to eat them. I don’t know. I did a lap on the treadmill, but losing weight just seems overwhelming. There’re calories in everything you eat, and everything tasty has more than the healthy stuff. It’s not that don’t like healthy food, or that I don’t want to lose weight…it’s that the weight of being bi-polar, broke, and just generally sad and despondent is heavier than it’s ever been.

It’s December 26th, and the government still hasn’t seen fit to get back to me about my Social Security/Disability case, even though it’s nearly 30 days after the period of time they told me to expect an answer. I still do not have Medicaid because I’ve been shuffled around to 3 different case-workers this year alone, and because they lost my paperwork for several months, and because they’re forcing me to go to yet another doctors appointment to re-evaluate my mental status, even though I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder since I was 13 years old.

But, New Years Resolutions and incompetent government officials aside…Christmas is gone and it was a meager one indeed this year. From Grandma and Grandpa, a 50 dollar check, which was spent on Ramen noodles, Japanese snacks, lunch at Arby’s, and groceries. From Mom, a soft leopard print blanket, which came with a tiny leopard plushie. I’m sure I’ll get enough from my father’s side of the family to finally fix my PC, but that’s it. I shouldn’t complain, but I’m tired of being so destitute. I am thankful that we can afford the necessities, but it’s human nature to want more. I’ve got a huge list of things that I would have liked to get for Christmas, and sadly, most of them are just necessary things for the house. A new microwave to replace the broken one, a vacuum, a humidifier, a water filter…

All in good time, I hope, all in good time…

Oh I'm such a pathetic sap sometimes...

2005-12-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

So today, low on groceries, my mom took me to Kroger, for food, prilosec, cat litter, and another peek at the young man who makes sushi. We have dubbed him “Sushi Boy”. He’s asian, whether he’s Japanese or Chinese is anybodies guess; he’s my height, dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin (sort of a caramel color).

Needless to say, I’ve got a fantastic crush on him. Even if he doesn’t have perfect skin, even if he’s got a little scraggly goatee, I’m completely smitten.

You’d think after how many times I’ve attempted the “dating thing” I’d know by now that attraction is natures way of laughing at you…

We’ll just have to see, my mom says he looks interested, but, I don’t trust her judgment on everything…

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.

2005-12-20T18:36:00.000-08:00

There comes a time when you’ve been angry and sad for so long, than you just stop feeling it. One disappointment after another tends to turn a person numb.

This morning I woke up at 5:55, realized I wouldn’t be able to sleep any longer, so I got up to do my normal morning things. Breakfast, oatmeal because my milk smells sour, no coffee, because the caffeine tends to make me panicky, and a sit down in front of my PC, mostly to check Flickr and my email.

I turn on my laptop, and low and behold, something else has gone wrong with my life. Nothing connects to the internet, I start Firefox and get stuck with the Comcast page, prompting me to install their self-install kit and “Get started on the internet”. The problem with this is, I already did this yesterday when I reinstalled windows on this piece of shit laptop. So, understandably pissed off, I call Comcast, only to have them tell me that they have “put a hold on my modem” because I have a $64.61 “delinquent” balance. In layman’s terms “Until you pay up with the money you still don’t have, you can no longer use “our” modem”.

I should be screaming mad, especially because I told my mom over a week ago that they had given me a “Courtesy Call” to tell me I had a delinquent balance. But in all honesty, I’m too sick of being outraged and upset to even feel anything.

So I cleaned the kitchen. And here I am now. Bemoaning my fate. There’s really only so many times I can complain about how the American Government is giving me the short end of the stick. Even though it’s passed the 30-90 day deadline the judge said his decision would be made in, I have not gotten a single word of response. I’m not surprised, and I’m not hopeful. If I get an answer, it will probably be after the Christmas holidays, that everyone, including the employees of the government who are supposed to be helping me, will enjoy. All except for me. That’s right, no Christmas this year, because we don’t even have the money to keep our utilities turned on.

I should be crying, I should be screaming, I should be miserable.

I can’t care anymore. I can’t even feel it anymore. Disappointment and letdowns have become such a big part of my life that they’re just everyday occurrences, like the sun rising, or the hours passing.

Anyway, I got the money from my dad paid the overdue balance and everything is hunky dory again.

Period Snickerdoodles.

2005-12-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

Much like a mother bird, I began nesting at 3am. Dragging pillows, blankets, and other comfortable items from my bedroom to make a comfortable little nest on my living room couch.

I woke up much, much earlier than I had intended to this morning, at 1:30am, instead of 5 or 6 like I had anticipated. Though it’s often impossible for me to fall asleep, I tend to sleep longer than I actually should, so going to bed at 5 or 6pm would normally leave me awaking at 4-6am, instead of exactly 8 hours since I had gone to sleep. Bah!

So I rolled out of bed, built my nest, had a bit of brownie (those were a lifesaver) and promptly started my period. Every month I ask myself the same thing. Why, after so many years of innovation and evolution, do human females still need to deal with the horrific phenomenon that is menstruation? Cramps, bloating, weight gain from giving into the cravings for salt and sweets, and last but certainly not least, 2-5 days of bleeding from the most delicate and private part of your body. The only real innovations that have been created to help women cope with this terrible monthly misery are painkillers and “feminine hygiene products”.

Now I’m sure your average childbearing female will see their period as merely a small price to pay for the miracle of childbirth, but what about the women who either want no children, or unable to have them? Personally I hope to never have children, as I do not want to pass on the faulty genetic traits that I have (bi-polar disorder, social anxiety, scoliosis, bad eyesight, bad teeth, etc, etc.). My mother had a Tubal Ligation some time ago after having 5 miscarriages, and she is no longer physically able to have a child. Yet both of us suffer through the pain and annoyance of the female curse.

Que Sera. Life goes on, and I’ve got a kitchen full of dishes and snickerdoodles with burnt sugar on the bottom. I followed the directions to a tee and yet they came out all funny. They didn’t flatten the way they were supposed to, and the sugar on the bottom of the cookies went all dark brown and black.

That of course, didn’t stop me from eating 6 of them. Damn cookie, so tempting in their sugary burnt-ness. Making my diet today consist of more applesauce brownies, 5-6 partially burnt snickerdoodles, a cup o’ramen, and a lean cuisine pizza. And now I’m hungry again. How boring, eat, blog, sleep.

Rant on weight and random applesauce.

2005-12-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

An infomercial for yet another weight loss gimmick has a woman claiming “I went from a size 10 to a size 0, and I’ve NEVER been a size 0” but that statement prompts all sorts of questions from me.

For starters, what’s wrong with being a size 10?

In all honesty, I don’t think anything is. I’m overweight, and I’m perfectly aware of this, and I wear a size 18. According to my old dietician, I could weigh 150 pounds and be perfectly healthy.

This Website has a lot of good points about dieting and American women.

The average American woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 pounds.

The average American model is 5'11" tall and weighs 117 pounds.

Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women.

Four out of five American women say they're dissatisfied with the way they look.

On any given day, almost half of the women in the United States are on a diet.

Almost half of American children between first and third grades say they want to be thinner.

Four out of five ten-year-old children are afraid of being fat.

On any given day, one in four men are on a diet.

Half of our nine and ten-year-old girls say that being on a diet makes them feel better about themselves.

More than one out of three "normal dieters" progress to pathological dieting. One fourth of those will suffer from partial or full syndrome eating disorders.

Americans spend over forty billion dollars a year on dieting and diet related products.

Between five and ten million women and girls in the United States struggle with eating disorders and borderline conditions.

One million boys and men struggle with eating disorders and borderline conditions.

The number of people with eating disorders and borderline conditions is triple the number of people living with AIDS (664,921 people are living with AIDS).

Eating disorders affect at least three times as many people as schizophrenia does (2.2 million people are living with schizophrenia).

What the hell is wrong with our society when children in the first grade think they should be thinner? Why can’t women just understand that our bodies are plumper and rounder than men, and that striving to be the size of a fashion model is self-destructive and foolish! Look at a Botticelli painting, the women are round, plump, and healthy, and they were the epitome of beauty at the time. When did we decide that women were no longer allowed to be what we are, curvaceous goddesses with pear shaped hips, sweet bellies, and round bottoms...

I blame two sources for the insecurity in body image in women. Firstly, the media, constant parades models in front of us, models so thin that their hips and collarbones jut out like broken glass, models with no real curves of their own, so they have to use silicone. The media puts these in front of us, and calls them “the ideal woman” and all of a sudden every little girl in America is looking at her hips, butt, and boobs, and saying “Wait a minute, these aren’t supposed to be there, these are fat, I’m fat, I’m ugly!” and the fact that little boys grow up seeing these models, and think that women aren’t supposed to have curves. It’s very frustrating.

I’m obese I’ll admit it. I’ll even tell you how much I weigh; I’m 5’3 and 220 pounds. I started a weight loss program in November of 2004, and lost a total of 45 pounds before I got sick of it. It was disgusting to have to measure and weigh my food every day, and to choke down the powdered “supplements” that they forced on me. To make it worse, the amount of money we wasted there was criminal. It will never be worth it to me to make myself suffer that much to lose weight. I was ill all the time, too much food, to little food, too much bland food, too much crappy disgusting powdered supplements... I will lose the weight in time. With eating healthily and exercising, not gimmicks and drugs.

On a completely unrelated note, I made brownies today, substituted the required 1/3 of a cup of oil with 1/3 of a cup of applesauce. They're yummy and soft, and taste nothing like apples. And they're also much less fattening than they would have been, as one tablespoon on oil adds 14 grams of fat to the entire recipe, where as applesauce only adds a negligible amount of calories.

Early New Years Resolutions, or, Yet Another New Beginning

2005-12-18T04:15:00.000-08:00

To be perfectly honest, I find blogging to be somewhat self-important. It seems conceited and foolish to think that anyone wants to read about the boring things that make the life of another person. Yet I’ve done it for years. When I was younger, and new to the internet, I had a “Livejournal”, like many people do. I learned after a year or two there that majority of people who have their journals public there are by far mostly attention seeking, childish, and emotionally unstable. Of course there are people all over the world like that, it’s just easier to see when they’re all laid out in front of you like sacrificial lambs. People lie, they hide their true feelings and affections, they play games, just to garner the affections of people doing the same thing. I left “Livejournal” for yet another “journal” site. “Deadjournal” served me well in the respect that I never made any friends there, or tried to. I dealt with no other people, so I never had to deal with the types that I found on other journal sites.

Now, if “Deadjournal” has served me so well, why am I starting over yet again, this time with a “Blog”? It seems to me when one writes enough in a journal, or a blog, after a while you lose the point. I stopped writing, only did it once or twice a month at best, which is not what I had intended to do. I’m not sure that starting over at a new place will keep me writing anymore than it has done in the past, but I really would like to write, for myself.

The reason I’m starting this blog is to record my life, no matter how banal or commonplace it is, so I don’t forget things that happen that were important to me. I have a terrible memory, and no matter how much has happened over a year, I will always forget a great deal of it, which leaves me to have the same things repeat themselves without my understanding. If I am to learn lessons from things that have happened in the past, I have to remember them.

Lastly, I want to keep track of the progress I make in bettering myself. I have a list of resolutions for this New Year, and I’d like to keep record of how well I keep them.

My Resolutions for the very end of 2005 and the whole of 2006

Continue to lose weight, however slowly, by…

Exercising more often, 3 to 5 times a week.
Cooking for myself more often, instead of eating frozen or pre-prepared food.
Trying not to overeat, this includes eating an excess of my “favorite” foods, such as chocolate, black licorice, and salty things.

Read more often. I have a good mind, and I’m wasting it by spending hours in front of the television and PC. I can’t give myself a definitive goal when it comes to this, but one book a month would be a good start.

Stop putting chores off until the last moment. This includes doing my dishes the day they are dirtied, doing laundry every other day or so when it needs to be done, cleaning the bathroom at least once a week, and vacuuming in the same frequency when I get a vacuum.

Plant a garden in my small back yard, and water it daily.

Lastly, write more often, this includes mere journal entries, as well as poetry and short story writing, which I have been neglecting for a long time now.

And that’s that. I feel confident that I can really keep these, as my attitude seems more optimistic and cheerful, even when thinking about the situation that I am in right now.

So here’s to the new year, when it comes 13 days from today, and here’s to changes that I can hopefully make in myself, to make me a better person, for myself and for my family, for my future, and for the things to come.